AIBU for not letting my mother see her newborn grandchild?

[KellyAnne47]

So my mother has always been awful with me. Treated me differently to my siblings. Told me Im worse mistake she's ever made. I remember her not even letting me hold her hand in the street as a child. Didn't wake while the afternoon and left me hungry, again as a small child. She tried to take my child off me years ago as I became a mother very young. Then kicked me out at 16, leaving me to fend for myself. There is so so much more. But I haven't the time or space for the rest. Anyway, I am due to give birth in a matter of days. She hadn't rang, text or seen me this whole pregnancy. Not asked how me or my unborn baby are doing. She lives ten min away. I just know when baby is born she will wanna sniff around but only until the novelty wears off. I feel very strongly that she isn't informed when baby is born and is not welcome to my house. So straight up, AIBU for this? I don't want to use baby as a weapon.. But she didn't care before. She doesn't care now. So why should I let her in the newborn bubble? She wouldn't be able to recognise my 3yr old given the chance.

I've said to eldest, that's your choice. But please do not disclose any information. Xx

You don't have to see anyone you don't want to. You can decide to never see a specific person ever again. You have a choice. I know it's hard because truthfully you want your mother to love and care for you, but sadly that's not happening
Protect yourself and your family, get some therapy and live a happy life.

Being pregnant is a good time to access mental health support. You'll be prioritised on waiting lists. Personality disorders are a bit of a catch all diagnosis for people who have had significant emotional traumas in childhood which cause ongoing issues for them with how they interact with other people and perceive themselves in the world.
Psychoanalytic psychotherapy is available for adults in some NHS trusts. If its available in yours it can be very helpful in unpicking everything you've mentioned here, it's also worth asking about should you not currently fit a diagnosis of cPTSD.

I think even I know by now she will never change and will never apologise or accept her wrong doings in the past. X

OP you sound lovely, strong and resilient and I bet you are a great mum, armed especially with the knowledge of what not to do, and how it felt to not be looked after.

As you are a nice, normal person, you'll feel guilt too easily, and sympathy too easily, for your mum who doesnt deserve it. I think cutting her off full stop ends this toxic awful cycle and is the only way to protect your kids, and to look after yourself. You don't ever have to be around such a toxic, nasty person again.

If you do decide to go permanently NC, definitely make some boundaries for yourself - no 'but what if x or y' or 'just this once' or emotional blackmail. That makes it less confusing and difficult for you going forward. Sorry you're having to go through all this.

Yep, I've definitely tried and tried to gain some form of something, anything with her!

I remember years ago buying her a very expensive gift she wanted for Christmas. I could just about buy it but hardly have any cash left after, so I told her if I got it then I wouldn't be able to get her a birthday gift too (birthday is a week before Christmas). So that the gift was for both. She agreed giddily. I felt some kind of feeling of pleasing her so that what I did was a good thing. Anyway, over the christmas period, we said I'd stay there with my eldest til new year. I'd given her 100 cash towards food etc to cover what me and DD used during stay. On Christmas day morning, she went mad saying she didn't have anything to open just shitty socks and candles etc. I said it's about the kids though mum? And I got you that Nintendo? She flipped out. Told me to get out her fucking house. With my child. So taxi back to my flat it was. Snow was horrendous. You couldn't make it up! And I only had electricity. No gas as I didn't top meter up with giving her my last hundred to last through to new year. And no word of a lie, all I had in was eggs and butter. Luckily my daughter went to her dad's. So there i was, eating microwaved scrambled eggs with no heating on christmas day because mother dearest didn't wake up to a bunch of presents. Luckily a friend of mine came over at tea time, topped my gas up. Brought some alcoholic beverages and ordered a pizza. But my point is she was more than happy for me to go with nothing. After all my efforts. I'm not trying to play the pitty party card. Just another example of the woman. X

Sorry I’d be protecting my children by keeping them completely away from her and I’d be estranged from her.

I totally get it. As I say I haven't seen or heard from her in a very long time. I cannot stop my eldest going to see my dad. I won't be contacting her or making any effort. I just dread the thought of her sniffing round whether it's by text or turning up. But to be fair I moved here just a couple of month ago so unless dad her where I live, she should stay clear. I also want to tell dad not to just show up with her. But im scared of him getting shit from her over my choices x

So your eldest of all your children that ever see your parents?

Yep x

@KellyAnne47 how old were you when you had your first child? How many do you have now?

She tried to take my child off me years ago as I became a mother very young. Then kicked me out at 16, leaving me to fend for myself
so you became a mother before 16 and she abandoned you?

Right before. Yes.x

That is not a mother, that is an abuser you are protecting yourself and your children from.

4 month before my 16th. And about to have 3rd.

Yeah I hate saying "mother". I no longer message or send anything on special occasions. I think because the birth of this baby will be such an amazing thing, a part of me feels bad I won't be allowing her to be a part of it. But I would be wasting my time, I know I will. My child will not now or ever benefit from her. Ever. The woman got the sack from Surestart ffs. I'm not sure of the ins and outs of that. But she hasn't worked since.

@KellyAnne47 I don’t mean to be rude, but you did get pregnant at 15 and that causes major difficulties for all members of your family not just you.

I know! My sister had her first at 16, second at 17 and me only 14 at the time. It was all just too much for everyone. Spent my 20s helping her, financing her etc.. That’s 30 years ago and she’s still being propped up by all of us. I wouldn’t wish a teenage pregnancy on any family.

“Told me Im worse mistake she's ever made.”

This is the only reason you need to not let her see your child. Let alone the rest of it. Cut ties!

You're totally right. Hitting, lack of affection, the non feeding, leaving lice in my hair, choosing alcohol and prescription drugs, favouring my siblings all from such a young age that being stretched as far as 5, must have something to do with me getting pregnant ten years later. You've taken a small fraction of what you have read and sadly, compared it to something you experienced which is totally and utterly a different situation.

I know. I guess the difference between me and her is I have a conscience. x

She probably got pregnant at 15 because she was seeking love and attention in the wrong places due to the neglect and abuse she had experienced as a child and her mum likely wasn't the sort of person she'd have wanted to go to for support and advice getting contraception at 15 because she was a horror.

Op, I think you shouldn't let her anywhere near you or your family. She's toxic and has mistreated you your whole life. She doesn't get to show up when a newborn is there then disappear again after treating you so badly. Have your baby and only let people in your bubble who care for and love you.

Thank you. This is pretty much spot on. I did what I could to stay out the house. Absolutely was not promiscuous! First boyfriend. Thought I "loved" him. Didn't even know what I was doing to be fair. Just kind of went along with things. Very very naive. His mother (very different to mine, I always looked at boyfriends mum like one of those out the films) actually walked into my mother's house while I were heavily pregnant and said, if she were to carry on mistreating me, that she would take me with her and that my mum aught to be ashamed of herself. My mother didn't say a word.

I don't know why I'm suddenly reliving all of this again so many years on and being days off popping. But the AIBU part is just hanging over me. I know what's right and what's wrong. It's just still so confusing. Maybe because of the way I feel about my children and how I treat them. X

I have to say - I also blame your panic, spineless enabling father for watching this unfold and doing sweet FA.

You have told your eldest the full story?