Colleagues you don’t like much

[MancunianFay]

During a (slightly drunken) chat last night with a good friend, we got onto the subject of colleagues we don’t like but have to deal with in work.

There is one colleague in particular that I don’t like. She’s lazy and not particularly competent but regularly complains about her pay and workload. She’s very negative but brags a lot about ridiculous things and I find her quite difficult to talk to for any length of time. I occasionally have a moan about her to friends and family (but never other colleagues).

I told my friend last night that I’ve found that in these circumstances, it’s best to be as friendly as possible so that the work atmosphere stays pleasant. I share an office with this woman (and several others) so I’ve always thought it would look ‘off’ if I didn’t engage in the usual pleasantries with her such as “I like your shoes/bag/dress” or “How was your weekend?” or “Would you like anything from the shop?” etc etc. I’ve even gone for a coffee with her in the staff room a few times when she’s asked me to.

My friend said she just couldn’t do that because she would feel two-faced and insincere. She said that in similar situations, she is always polite and civil but no more engaging than that.

i just want things to be professional. Being nice to the woman keeps things simple. I can’t see any advantages to making it obvious that I don’t like her. I have a sneaky suspicion that she doesn’t really like me all that much either so we’re probably both playing the same game.

My friend said that it will be obvious to everyone in work that I am overcompensating and I will come across as a bit snide.

Who is right here? Am I a duplicitous, backstabbing arsehole?

To be fair. My friend would probably acknowledge that the wine was making her talk shite last night but still, it got me thinking about how most people deal with colleagues they don’t particularly like.

You just sound as if you are professional and have good manners.

Many years ago I worked in retail. Didn't like some colleagues, took the same view as you and was friendly to everyone, regardless of my feelings about them. It was already a fairly shit job, why make it worse? I wanted to go there, do my job, get paid, and avoid drama as much as possible.

I have a colleague who drives me mad. She is always arguing with me and is so belligerent. I can't stand her. I have to socialise with her as part of the team and it's such hard work. I wouldn't be able to fake a full on work friendship with her but I think a lot of women pretend to be friends with people they don't like (and then slag them off to others). I do think it's a bit mean to fake friend someone.

I take the same view as you OP. I would not be friends with most of the women in my office outside work, but I try to keep things pleasant. That means remembering to ask about their holidays, children, pets etc, and saying if I like their nails polish/dress/handbag. But that's as far as it goes.

What would you gain from taking your friends stance...an awkward situation. Work life is about getting on with people who you would never socialise with. Some people just rub you up the wrong way, but what's to be gained by being off with them.

My first job was in a bank, the head cashier was considered a bit of a battle axe by a lot of the staff. Because I treated her like everyone else, tried to have a bit of a laugh, said nice things if she had a new coat, bag, hair do etc like you do with colleagues, she liked me a cut me a lot of slack as I was a dreadful cashier!! I actually got to like her and realised she only wanted people to do their best and she would support them.

I think part of work is learning to tolerate the different characters. There are plenty of people you wouldn't choose to hang out with outside work but no harm in being friendly.

It does depend on the person though. There are a few where you clash so badly avoidance becomes the ideal strategy 😂

YANBU. Not liking someone doesn’t mean you can’t be pleasant and professional. It’s a basic workplace skill.

Thanks for the replies.

It’s reassuring to know it’s not just me.

A lot of people spend more time with colleagues than they do with friends and family so it needs to be kept ‘nice’.

I should imagine most people work with at least one person they don’t like.

Growingaseed - yes I should imagine that there are situations in which it’s impossible to play the game if the person makes your blood boil just by looking at them!

I think there is an expectation of women to be more invested in work relationships than men. I think if a man was just ‘civil and polite’ it wouldn’t come across as hostile but women are (I think) a bit more emotionally intelligent and would pick up on somebody not doing the ‘nice’ thing and it would create an atmosphere.

I suppose this is what happens when you’re forced to spend 8 hours a day with people you wouldn’t ordinarily mix with.

Everyone is at least a bit two-faced in work. If they weren't most workplaces would be dysfunctional.

There is also a lot of scope for allegations of bullying if people single others out and treat them differently.

"We are all actors and the world is our stage".

Fundamentally I’m with your friend, OP. I strongly dislike superficiality & insincerity in others so I try hard not to behave in those ways myself. Unfortunately, this isn’t always possible in the workplace, which is one of the things I hate most about that environment.

Recently, a senior manager left our company. Over the past year she had implemented a disastrous ‘restructuring’ which resulted in the departure of several vastly experienced, very popular & highly regarded colleagues. It also led to enormous resentment & bad feeling in the wider team. I didn’t contribute to her leaving collection & on her last day I managed to avoid her until I bumped into her emerging from a room. She went to hug me in front of everyone. I had no alternative but to reciprocate & make a basic pretence of wishing her well. I felt awful & ashamed afterwards, like the worst sort of two-faced hypocrite, but what else could I do?

It depends. If we were just different personality types, I’d be like you. However I have a colleague who is endlessly off sick, who tries her hardest to get out of doing any work and is abusive to our back office staff. I have zero respect.I cannot pretend to be her friend. I’m polite and professional but keep interaction purely business like. Is that so bad?

I think you did what you needed to do and you handled it well. The fact you felt ashamed afterwards shows you that it’s not in your nature to be two-faced.

Personally, I don’t really feel ashamed for my superficial niceness. Maybe it’s because I’ve become accustomed to behaving like this for a long time. Early on in my working life I witnessed people being friendly to other colleagues and then slag them off to me. I saw them get ahead in their careers so assumed it was the done thing.

To be fair, it sounds like your colleague did a lot of damage so I can see why it would have been difficult to be nice to her when she was leaving anyway.

No I don’t think it’s bad. If she’s abusive to others then I’m sure you’re not the only one who gives her a wide berth.

I think we have to do what we’re comfortable doing.

I think it also depends on where we are in the pecking order. Managers have to be ‘nice’ and diplomatic because they would be considered unprofessional if they were anything else?

It is frustrating when colleagues don’t pull their weight. It says a lot about someone if they are happy to let other people pick up on their work. Definitely selfish and inconsiderate behaviour.

I agree with the fake friends thing.

I would never meet up with my colleague or text her out of work (unless it was about work issues). It wouldn’t be fair to encourage her to think I saw her as anything other than someone I work with. I have a feeling she feels the same way. She got married a couple of years ago and invited two people from the team but I wasn’t invited.

Christmas team meals are as far as it goes.

I lead a largish team and have been told many times that I am lovely and a great manager. I show an interest. Have long conversations with them all. Support them and do my best for them.
I don’t like any of them. It’s just my job. They’re probably faking it too. As long as everyone pretends to get along that’s probably better than teams where people are genuinely invested in each other.
Can’t wait for retirement.

I have a tricky colleague. She is the most junior member of the team, but one of the oldest. She is always really nice and complimentary of new staff for as long as she can boss them about. As soon as they find their feet and know what they’re doing, she turns on them. I was very hurt when it happened to me but having seen the pattern repeat over and over, it’s water off a duck’s back.

She is also a fantasist to the extent I thought she might be lying about having children until I met one of them as the stories she told about them were just so far fetched. She’s also related to a lot of very influential people, apparently. One of which I know isn’t true as I do actually know that family. I found this very difficult at first as I would question, but now have to take the stance that she is just telling me a story and accept the nonsense. She is easier to deal with this way. I do find it tiring and time consuming though.

In that situation (and there are many colleagues i really can’t stand), if I shared an office with them, I would be polite. But I don’t do small talk anyway.

If I don’t have to deal with them, I just tend to ignore them

I have 2.5 colleagues I have varying levels of dislike for, out of a workforce of over 600.

The 2 I actively loathe I steer well clear of - luckily I rarely have to interact, but when I do, I am nothing but professional and get it over with as fast as possible.

The .5 is a mild irritant. He's a young gobshitey know it all. I put this down to the arrogance of youth, so I tend to kill him with kindness. Unfortunately for me he has just transferred to my local office so I'm going to have it in person as well.

But I have to work with all of them, and you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Being rude to them just to show off my high and mighty principles will only backfire on me, and make it unpleasant for everyone. I operate on a basis that anything I say or do with anyone could be shared with the CEO and act accordingly. Resolutely "telling it like it is" doesn't pay the gas bill at the end of the month.

Thats an impressive ratio to be fair!

I work on the same basis so I can’t say anything direct to them.

Although I do hold a grudge if they have done something to me or one of my friends

I generally get on with most people in my office. Of those I don’t particularly like I still smile when I pass, say good morning etc but will try to avoid chatting where possible.
There is one exception who I will not interact with in any way. She is in a completely different department so I would only ever run into her in the kitchen/toilets and then I would make a sharp exit if she came in. She is quite plainly a bully and I will have nothing to do with her.

I see this all the time in work situations. There’s loads of colleagues I haven’t been keen on but been friendly for the sake of being pleasant. I’d probably have drawn the line at going for coffee though.

Meh. I have a colleague who is such hard work. She permanently sports a thinly veiled look of "I'm not impressed," and has no filter so thinks nothing of very openly -and entirely unbidden- criticising and questioning others' work, ideas and competence, including those of our more senior leadership group and visiting consultants, in front of the whole team, often in such an abrupt or unexpected way that one is left feeling completely wrong-footed and everything sort of goes q u i e t.

She is unashamedly passive aggressive (she has a special 'voice' she uses for this purpose), speaks very unkindly about others behind their backs and, if the person she is speaking about enters the room, she'll make it very obvious she was speaking about them as opposed to trying to hide it; widening her eyes, sharp intake of breath, hand to mouth, pregnant pause, poignant side-eyes at the colleague with whom she was discussing the third party. Outrageous, really.

Faux surprise when concerns raised or behaviour reflected back, whether quietly and discretely or more formally. Nothing is ever right or good enough and she manages to make every project she's involved with feel like a chore and a trial: I'm so glad I'm not managing her.

She has occasionally formed really toxic 'alliances' with colleagues but I think they generally run scared and abandon any hope of benefiting from engaging with her as it becomes transparent that close association doesn't paint one in a particularly good light.