Colleagues you don’t like much

[MancunianFay]

During a (slightly drunken) chat last night with a good friend, we got onto the subject of colleagues we don’t like but have to deal with in work.

There is one colleague in particular that I don’t like. She’s lazy and not particularly competent but regularly complains about her pay and workload. She’s very negative but brags a lot about ridiculous things and I find her quite difficult to talk to for any length of time. I occasionally have a moan about her to friends and family (but never other colleagues).

I told my friend last night that I’ve found that in these circumstances, it’s best to be as friendly as possible so that the work atmosphere stays pleasant. I share an office with this woman (and several others) so I’ve always thought it would look ‘off’ if I didn’t engage in the usual pleasantries with her such as “I like your shoes/bag/dress” or “How was your weekend?” or “Would you like anything from the shop?” etc etc. I’ve even gone for a coffee with her in the staff room a few times when she’s asked me to.

My friend said she just couldn’t do that because she would feel two-faced and insincere. She said that in similar situations, she is always polite and civil but no more engaging than that.

i just want things to be professional. Being nice to the woman keeps things simple. I can’t see any advantages to making it obvious that I don’t like her. I have a sneaky suspicion that she doesn’t really like me all that much either so we’re probably both playing the same game.

My friend said that it will be obvious to everyone in work that I am overcompensating and I will come across as a bit snide.

Who is right here? Am I a duplicitous, backstabbing arsehole?

To be fair. My friend would probably acknowledge that the wine was making her talk shite last night but still, it got me thinking about how most people deal with colleagues they don’t particularly like.

Just come to the outcome most colleagues are liars.

All my colleagues want to say they’ve never been on a pip but the front cover of this pip document given to me doesn’t allude it’s exclusive to me.

I'd probably be borderline between you and your friend. People are saying it's important to be professional but you say that's what your friend is anyway, it's just the extra stuff you do that she thinks trips you over into being friendly which she thinks is inappropriate if you don't actually like this woman.

Do you actually like her coat/bag etc. when you say it? If not then that is a bit two faced.

'How was your weekend,' and asking to get stuff from the shop is fine, I'd say that's completely neutral as you might do it for someone you have no feelings for either way, like a contractor who is just there for the day or work experience kid or whatever.

I wouldn't go for a coffee, as in just me and them, with someone I actively disliked though, for me that does go beyond professional and into friendship, or at least a friendly co-worker relationship. Although if you think she doesn't like you either it's weird she asked you to go in the first place.

”I don’t like any of them”

That actually made me laugh out loud!!

It sounds like you do a good job and hide it well 😎

Yeah I think the staff room coffees were the bit my friend had an issue with.

It hasn’t happened often. Probably three of four times in the last couple of years.

It was hard to get out of because she caught me unawares. I should have an excuse ready for if it happens again 😀

This. The whole ‘bring your whole self to work’ thing is nonsense, as most people with an ounce of self awareness and professionalism appreciate that our home self is and should be different to our work self! Part of work and being professional is ‘getting on’ with people you don’t actually get on with as it were, which it sounds like is exactly what you’re doing.

If she's asking you to go for coffee presumably she likes you? If someone seemed to like me and wasn't rude or horrible I wouldn't really care if they were a bit lazy at work. It wouldn't stop me being able to be work mates/friends with them. Even if they were a bit annoying you don't have to see them outside of work. It is easier to see the good side of people just to make the day bearable.

This is just professionalism.

So if your friend didn’t like her boss would she stick to her advice/opinion?

I treat everyone at work the same - with the exception only of my immediate team (who I am very close with and we all confide in each other etc) who get my honesty and deeper level of chat.

However, everyone else I’m not at work to make friends, not enemies, I just want to get through a day. Chit chat is the name of the game in my opinion. Also - even the colleagues who I dislike as people (and who I’m sure dislike me as a person) I sometimes need help from etc. So why do I want to be a dick to them?

We have a couple of people at our place who can’t do the professional thing and everyone thinks they’re rude.

Work gets much easier once you develop a work persona. Mine couldn't be further from who I really am. I literally take a deep breath & don my personality costume at 7.59 when I put on my lanyard & it comes off with the lanyard at the end of the day. It's the only way I cope with my job & the people I'm forced to interact with.

If your friend is 'polite and civil' then she's obviously exchanging pleasantries up to a point. Doesn't really seem that different to your approach really. I think both you and your friend are over-thinking this a bit.

Quite sensible to be polite and pleasant to irritating people at work, otherwise you might have other problems than just being a bit annoyed. Going for coffee with her is a bit beyond than but she asked you, so refusing would come across as rude so I'd do the same in your position.

Only one person I couldn't really be polite to at work, because the way he spoke to the younger women annoyed me so much, very misogynistic, even though he didn't talk like that to me (probably because I'm not so young). But he's gone now after we complained about his behaviour and attitude.

Being unpleasant affects more than just you and the person involved . Your attitude is professional so you are not an arsehole !

I work on a small team, one male and one female. The female chatters NON STOP she’s a constant narrator of mindless nonsense.
The male takes himself off and ignores her without insulting her. I was managing ok for a while but it wrecked my head so I took a career break.

I’ve no idea how to handle her at all, any boundaries I’ve tried to have she ignores. A total boundary bully it was awful. Maybe I should have just leaned in a bit instead I became allergic.

I worked in a smallish primary school and initially everyone was great. However 1 day after I spoke up on the inconsistent expectations from the TAs (some were treated awfully, her daughter and a couple of others were not), she turned nasty. A true real bitch. She sent a kid into my class eith a plastic knife and a message about did I want it back from her back. Absolutely a reportable offence etc but I was to worried about rocking the boat to report her .
She was in her 60s and did nit want to be there, I was 24. A couple of staff knew what had happened others realised something was up. I was professional but only spoke to her/ acknowledged her when I had to. Never made eye contact, spoke casually
Thankfully she retired, I left a few yrs later. Ive been invited back for special days, retirements and I always query 'has Brenda been invited?' Yes. OK I'll not bother then, as I refuse to spend a moment in her company ever again! I then end the conversation, hang up/walk away and I know they are dying to ask why?!
She was probably the worst most unprofessional person I've ever met!

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here as long as you’re not being rude or hostile to them. Personally I’ve worked with some fucking specimens especially when I worked in Wetherspoons as a teenager… sometimes it’s a toss up who’s worse, the customers or the staff. I thank god everyday I’m self employed and work on my own.

An old colleague always used to say that you don't have to like the people you work with, but you're paid to get along with them the best you can.