AIBU to resent my dad blocking my Mum’s car in the garage?

[Lauraamynic]

Hi All, first post! I’m 40y/o woman, living and working at home with my parents due to my epilepsy (which = inability to drive, lack of freedom and meeting man of my dreams, blah blah blah). I have a great relationship with my mum and we deal with my dad/her emotionally abusive, grumpy husband together. Lately we’re worried he might be slipping into the early stages of dementia (all of which involve tales for another day).

Anyway, this issue involves a garage (bear with me) and has been present in the last few years, since COVID/my dad started working from home and we see more of his delightful self.

Our driveway is a large slope with space for two cars: one to the side of the house, one in front of the garage (a two-car garage rendered a one-car garage due to the usual garage storage). Mum’s small car is parked in the garage. Dad’s large car is parked in front of it, blocking it completely. The space to the side of the house is partly filled by a large storage box for the recycling and waste, so of course it’s too small a space for my dad’s car and it would apparently be unreasonable to put the box somewhere else…

My trips outside are on foot and very local due to my epilepsy (running, etc.) but my mum has always driven her car.

My dad has never had any patience with my mum. He is very unapproachable should she rarely ask him to move his car during the day, so that she can access hers (she doesn’t drive his juggernaut) and she is usually met with a sh*tty response if she enters his study to ask (“AM I DOING SOMETHING?”). Either this or it’s moved eventually on his terms (“Yes in 20 minutes, where are you going anyway?”) or she just goes with him (fun had by all… not).

He never wants to go anywhere but Aldi. Home shopping on Ocado also means mum doesn’t get to look around the supermarkets like she used to. She’s an excellent cook but this situation has meant that he controls most of the incoming food and the “What shall we have for tea tonight?” situation, which used to be pleasant, now involves his knowledge of use-by-dates and rule over the garage fridge! Seriously…

AIBU to find all this utterly frustrating? Sympathy/kind opinions please.

I'm quite shocked that a 40-year old woman and a 60 year old woman can't find a solution to this really minor problem. It makes me wonder if there is any physical abuse happening that will render you both so helpless. You have bigger issues to focus on than where to park a car and I'd start with looking into becoming more independent from your parents.

Jesus do people really live like this ?

Move the crap into the garage and park two cars on the drive. Simples…

You make it sound like you and your mum are both married to your dad.

And you both hate him.

A lot of ignorance in this thread about epilepsy. Some sufferers really cannot live alone. Unfortunately this may well mean staying with parents, which is fine if the parents aren't controlling and emotionally abusive like this dude.

I wish MNers in general were more willing to accept the OP's word on their own experience. There's so much "why can't you just...?" when the OP's already made clear that isn't an option.

They do.

Shit scared of one boorish old bully who rules the roost with silent treatment, PA behaviour and temper tantrums.

And a partner who instead of knowing their worth and leaving, wastes their life tiptoeing about trying not to upset them & make them happy. Even though, whatever they do, the bully will find a reason to be upset and will never, ever be happy.

It's a sad, miserable way for them both to live.

my dad started working from home and we see more of his delightful self.

It is his (and your mum's) house tbf. Maybe he thought they'd have it to themselves by now. Doesn't excuse him if he's being abusive but you're altering the dynamic by being there and clearly on your mum's side so it's hard to know the objective situation. The way you're making such a meal of this feels like you're all contributing to the problems in your own ways. It's not about parking.

Is it difficult to control op? Just wondering if there is any sort of surgery, I know this ie the absolute last resort, but it has been a success for a lot of people if medication isn't working.

I know somebody with epilepsy who has a husband and children, but hers came out as an adult with dc. She just has prodromes now, but the strong meds make her very dizzy and unwell which means public transport and work are a struggle, although she is looking for jobs from home with reasonable adjustments (not easy to find). It isn't as simple as a lot of people think, but I hope this thread helps you seek independent living, and a relationship. It isn't something that should stop you.

I'd move his car myself and deliberately accidentally scratch it whilst doing so. Catch him moaning about having to move his car in the future.

But what happens when the parents die or become unable to look after her due to ill health? It doesn't sound like a nice living situation so I don't know why it's impossible to take steps to live independently before she is really forced to.

which = inability to drive, lack of freedom and meeting man of my dreams, blah blah blah

Rubbish. Believe me, lots of people live full lives with either epilepsy and/or not driving.

If your epilepsy is well-controlled and you avoid doing things which might trigger an attack, then you can use your legs, you can use buses, you can use trains, you can use taxis, you can use Uber.

And so can your mother. She's a grown woman, as are you. She can walk out of the house & catch a bus to mooch around the shops.

You're both in danger of becoming the 'boiling frog.' Put a frog in boiling water, it'll jump straight out. Put a frog in cold water, and then gradually heat it up, it'll heat up and die in the boiling water.

Maybe supported warden accommodation or similar? There are alarms too that go straight through to health care (I think).

I also think alot of people neglect to realise just how strong the drugs can be especially if on a combo, and the impact this has on coordination, brain fog etc meaning public transport/missing stops/getting lost are issues etc. The person I know tends to walk everywhere, and worries people will think she is drunk because her balance is off.

totally!
OP wasn't inviting comment on this aspect of her living arrangement, which sounds non-optimal but non-negotiable rn. She was asking, given these factors, how best to deal with it.

Sad indeed.

Just move the car, either you or your mum who cares if gets damaged that’s his own fault.

This sounds very much like a drama being made out of a cantankerous man. There are so many obvious ways resolve this problem and they've been mentione over and over in this thread. Feedback would be appreciated!

5 and a half hours of replies and nothing from the OP 🙄

Your mum divorcing the bastard, taking her car and half the equity, finding a nice mid city lodging in a lovely city nearby for you both and you living the life of Riley

This.

This. Or she parks on the road. If a pensioner has she a bus pass? Just catch the bus and leave him

Why all the fuss? Your mum can move his car, get her car out and then put his car back.

I also do not see the appeal in having to go out to do a food shop.

Jeez Victor Mildrew is alive and well! Sorry but he's possibly exhibiting early signs of dementia, sounds like a long shot but any chance of him having an assessment with his GP?

I have a bus pass. Sadly, no buses go anywhere near a supermarket.

But shs should absolutely not park in the garage

Epilepsy, even with night seizures, doesn’t mean you need to live with parents.

Best move out, contact your council housing department, if you think you need supported living, and let them get on with it.