AIBU to resent my dad blocking my Mum’s car in the garage?

[Lauraamynic]

Hi All, first post! I’m 40y/o woman, living and working at home with my parents due to my epilepsy (which = inability to drive, lack of freedom and meeting man of my dreams, blah blah blah). I have a great relationship with my mum and we deal with my dad/her emotionally abusive, grumpy husband together. Lately we’re worried he might be slipping into the early stages of dementia (all of which involve tales for another day).

Anyway, this issue involves a garage (bear with me) and has been present in the last few years, since COVID/my dad started working from home and we see more of his delightful self.

Our driveway is a large slope with space for two cars: one to the side of the house, one in front of the garage (a two-car garage rendered a one-car garage due to the usual garage storage). Mum’s small car is parked in the garage. Dad’s large car is parked in front of it, blocking it completely. The space to the side of the house is partly filled by a large storage box for the recycling and waste, so of course it’s too small a space for my dad’s car and it would apparently be unreasonable to put the box somewhere else…

My trips outside are on foot and very local due to my epilepsy (running, etc.) but my mum has always driven her car.

My dad has never had any patience with my mum. He is very unapproachable should she rarely ask him to move his car during the day, so that she can access hers (she doesn’t drive his juggernaut) and she is usually met with a sh*tty response if she enters his study to ask (“AM I DOING SOMETHING?”). Either this or it’s moved eventually on his terms (“Yes in 20 minutes, where are you going anyway?”) or she just goes with him (fun had by all… not).

He never wants to go anywhere but Aldi. Home shopping on Ocado also means mum doesn’t get to look around the supermarkets like she used to. She’s an excellent cook but this situation has meant that he controls most of the incoming food and the “What shall we have for tea tonight?” situation, which used to be pleasant, now involves his knowledge of use-by-dates and rule over the garage fridge! Seriously…

AIBU to find all this utterly frustrating? Sympathy/kind opinions please.

Seems quite a simple solution here. Ask him to move the car and when he does, don’t park it back in the garage. Either move the boxes and park down the side. Or park it on the street. Then you don’t have to ask him to move his car ever again

Unless your Dad drives an articulated lorry it is not a juggernaut, it is a domestic car. Hopefully he reverses it on to the drive, as he should, and all she has to do is move it forwards, turn it on to the road and park.

Or reverse out, turn and park. Visibility is often better in bigger cars.

Women can manoeuvre and drive bigger cars just as well as men.

Then she needs to look into supported or assisted living.

@Lauraamynic, what are your thoughts on the replies so far?

Why doesn’t your mum divorce your dad?

I’ve had similar with my DP at times.

Firstly I can’t drive his car and secondly he has the keys on him for the car. And he’s wfh in home office so I can’t disturb.

the OPs mum probably has the same but much worse.

Mum just needs to park on the road, one problem easily solved at least.

Hi OP it sounds as if you and your mum are stuck in a toxic and abusive household.

I hope for both of your sakes one day you will have just have had enough and leave. For everyone else posting it’s not as simple as it seems and OP’s mum might not even manage it. It’s called abuse for a reason and you end up trapped.

But until then OP try to do the best you can to get each other through this ordeal. It’s all about control and power and abuse.

start by you and mum sorting out bits of the garage here and there so maybe her car could be parked on the other side of the double. When mum is next allowed to use her car, how long as she not been allowed, can she park it on the other side of the drive? Or park it in the road? If she’s done this before does dad move it?

baby steps OP so start by tidying up the garage. Is there a shop or cafe in walking distance so you and mum can pop out for some bits of food you fancy or a coffee? Or could you both walk to a park and take a flask?

my heartfelt wishes to you both, especially your mum. 💐

Our driveway is a large slope with space for two cars

So she should park her car on the driveway. Cars don't need to live in garages.

I do think you might look to moving out though. You don't need a car to find the man of your dreams, but he won't come and find you in your parents' house.

Probably because she’s not insured to.

Is there not a spare key?

You sound as if you and your mum are both experiencing domestic abuse - lots of controlling behaviour and financial abuse - from your father.

Does your mum want to stay there? If not, could you not look into options to move out with your mum?

It would be good to have a chat with Citizens Advice and your local council. Also, I would encourage you and your mum to speak to your local domestic abuse organisation, Women's Aid or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline/Refuge.

Even if your mum doesn't want to move out, I would start exploring options for you to gain independence.

I am unable to drive due to seizures and I use taxis and Ubers to get around when it is places I cannot access via other means. If you require care/supervision to access the community due to your epilepsy, then ask your local council adult social care department for a care assessment.

She could park in the street. Borrow his keys and move the car herself. You could pay for a taxi and take both of you shopping once a week and buy food that is outside the scope of the wfh dad? Just get on with being independent and avoid situations where he is a blocker.

What is this strange hell?

AIBU to find all this utterly frustrating? Sympathy/kind opinions please.

More and more i seem to find people posting in AIBU that only want validation of their thought processes.

Yes - anyone can find anything utterly frustrating. Happy now?

No - it's not your problem

Yes - you do have bigger issues to deal with

No - I'm pretty certain you won't return to this thread to comment or answer questions.

FIL was very similar and SIL was you in the scenario except she had a different diagnosis.

She eventually, mid 40s, bought a house elsewhere and MIL had to move out to hers as the abuse continued to escalate.

SIL has and had a lot of issues outside of her diagnosis that I suspect you are unwittingly dealing with enmeshment, codependency, normalising dysfunction etc so it might be worth speaking to a therapist to see if you can unpick the background issues.

No - I'm pretty certain you won't return to this thread to comment or answer questions.

This is what I don't understand lol.

The OP had enough time on her hands to type the opening post, and to start another thread a few minutes later with additional info (before it got deleted), but not enough time to return to the thread?

You are not going to meet anyone as you are trapped in an enmeshed dysfunctional system. Who told you because you are epileptic that you can’t have a relationship or a family?

I suggest that your DM is the villain her as she has kept your triangulated and complicit in her dysfunctional marriage - a bit like a human shield.

You probably can’t see this as you have been so parentified that you can’t see your role in the drama triangle.

You really need to get some therapy to move yourself out of this dynamic which is blighting your life.

options are..

Move the storage boxes.
Dont park the car so it can be blocked in,
Your mum goes and moves the car herself.

Really simple to overcome.

This is coercive control, controlling and pure abuse.

Contact Women's aid.
Call 101 for advice.

Your father is an awful man.
Don't let him away with this.

Reach out for help and support.

This. She just needs to grey rock and either move his car, the storage box or her car (park on the street) and get on with what she wants to do. If he grumbles, ignore. There is no issue.

Oh and OP, my DIL has epilepsy, quite severely. She moved out of home, met and married my son and had a lovely life. Don't let 'I have epilepsy' become your fallback position to stop you doing whatever you want.

Her mum would have to do this, not the OP as it's not her house or car.

And I suspect her mum would've done it long ago if she had wanted to.

I'd love (not) some of you hyperbolists to see REAL abuse FFS

Yes it’s frustrating but there are some pretty simple solutions your mum can adopt here.

Perhaps she enjoys the relationship she has or in some way feels like parking on the drive or on the road would be “letting him win”? Either way that’s her choice, you can’t make it for her. And it sounds unlikely that your Dad will change.

I do suspect that you being there isn’t helping so I would be looking to move out, with carers or supported living if that would help. Surely this has got to be a long term aim anyway?

This!