AIBU to resent my dad blocking my Mum’s car in the garage?

[Lauraamynic]

Hi All, first post! I’m 40y/o woman, living and working at home with my parents due to my epilepsy (which = inability to drive, lack of freedom and meeting man of my dreams, blah blah blah). I have a great relationship with my mum and we deal with my dad/her emotionally abusive, grumpy husband together. Lately we’re worried he might be slipping into the early stages of dementia (all of which involve tales for another day).

Anyway, this issue involves a garage (bear with me) and has been present in the last few years, since COVID/my dad started working from home and we see more of his delightful self.

Our driveway is a large slope with space for two cars: one to the side of the house, one in front of the garage (a two-car garage rendered a one-car garage due to the usual garage storage). Mum’s small car is parked in the garage. Dad’s large car is parked in front of it, blocking it completely. The space to the side of the house is partly filled by a large storage box for the recycling and waste, so of course it’s too small a space for my dad’s car and it would apparently be unreasonable to put the box somewhere else…

My trips outside are on foot and very local due to my epilepsy (running, etc.) but my mum has always driven her car.

My dad has never had any patience with my mum. He is very unapproachable should she rarely ask him to move his car during the day, so that she can access hers (she doesn’t drive his juggernaut) and she is usually met with a sh*tty response if she enters his study to ask (“AM I DOING SOMETHING?”). Either this or it’s moved eventually on his terms (“Yes in 20 minutes, where are you going anyway?”) or she just goes with him (fun had by all… not).

He never wants to go anywhere but Aldi. Home shopping on Ocado also means mum doesn’t get to look around the supermarkets like she used to. She’s an excellent cook but this situation has meant that he controls most of the incoming food and the “What shall we have for tea tonight?” situation, which used to be pleasant, now involves his knowledge of use-by-dates and rule over the garage fridge! Seriously…

AIBU to find all this utterly frustrating? Sympathy/kind opinions please.

I’d just move the storage boxes to the garage and start parking your mums car outside. Why does it need to be in the garage?
Also your mum needs to start standing up to him regarding food, shopping etc, but I get the feeling she’s been putting up with this for years so she probably won’t

There are several options here. Move the boxes (you don't need his permission!) and part mum's car outside. Or... mum can move his car herself even if she doesn't drive it. Finally, she can park on the street which, of course, is not ideal for her but removes him from the equation entirely.

I'd be looking to move out. Your mother is old enough to have dealt with all this nonsense from your dad years ago. He can't just have become like this and your mother putting up with his behaviour has just enabled him to carry on. He sounds dreadful.
You need to make a life for yourself away from them. It's only going to get worse. Wishing you luck 💐

You don’t need to live with your parents because you have epilepsy, can’t drive and aren’t in a relationship. Move out, and let them sort out the issues in their own marriage.

Mum could park on the street. If I were you, I’d move out so you don’t have to deal with this anymore

Why doesn’t she just move his car?

If you really cannot live alone due to your epilepsy OP, have you looked into some sort of supported living?

I'm wondering what's going to happen when your parents pass away?

But as to the car problem, I'd ask your mum to park in the street.

I can tell you that interfering in other people's marriages is always a bad idea.

You all sound as bad as each other!

she just needs to move his car, and stop leaving hers in the garage.

you need to stop thinking that an inability to drive means you cannot meet anyone.

you need to move out and leave them to it.

Why does having epilepsy mean you cant leave your parents?

This whole dynamic sounds incredibly strange - why does you having epilepsy mean you’re still living at home in your 40’s and behaving like a child?

Stand up to him together, move his car without asking him or better still both move out, he sounds awful!

As others have said, she should move his car herself to get her car out. If for some unfathomable reason she can't, get him to move it once more for her, and then park it on the street/where the boxes currently are/anywhere that does not rely on him 'letting her out'.

Your Mum could:

Move his car herself - really, if she can drive and has wing mirrors, maybe you to check the first couple of times - she can do it. She is de-skilling herself.
Park her car out on the street.
Move the re-cycling bins and park on the space on the drive.

Given all these perfectly reasonable solutions,. I would drop the drama and leave her to it. Shrug, point them out and grey rock each time.

Her colluding with you against his moods gives her a sense of power and drama and actually enables her to be so helpless.

Is there a way you might consider moving out, if you can? There is no easy way to put this, but your parents marriage won’t have been helped by you still living there. Your mum needs to be able to push back on your dads behaviour but might feel she can’t if she is playing mediator.

The OP has just posted this again, with the additional detail that she gets night seizures and can’t live alone.

If your mum really really wanted her car, she would have taken it out of the garage and parked it on the street. The fact that she hasn't might indicate that she's scared herself driving and now doesn't want to any more, because there are limitless answers otherwise - drive your dad's car instead, move hers somewhere else, etc.

OP, you’re forty and I expect your DPs are in their sixties. If you don’t move out now, you never will. What would you do in the nightmare scenario of something happening to your DM and you being left at home with your DF? Don’t you want to be independent? If you moved into a flat or a house share, your could see your DM without your DF, if he’s so awful. From his point of view, though, it can’t be much fun living with two women both of whom hold him in contempt, even if he is a bit of a dick about moving his car.

She really does need to look into assisted living then, as her mum won't be around forever.

Can she not park on the street outside the house. It alls sounds highly dysfunctional.

Can you really not have a relationship because you have epilepsy? As a pp says you need to work out how to be more independent.

Do you mean they have started a second thread about it?

Yes!

Either she moves his car ( is she insured?) Or parks hers on the road. I have no idea how she puts up with that. He obviously loves the control, so id just remove his power play here.

if he says why is it on road, just say "I know how hard and stressful it is for you to move it. So this removes all your issues". I find with grumpy old men it's easier just going around them rather trying to find a middle ground as you just end up where you was in a few weeks.

Making them obsolete is the best way forward. No need to declare your doing it. When confronted just say it's to ease their lives. You don't need to admit it's to ease your life and avoid trying to resolve things like two adults who communicate. They won't want that in a power play.

OP's other thread has been deleted now as she was advised to update this one instead.

This does sound more like you are remaining at home to support your mum tbh.
Many people live with epilepsy, work and have families. Not everyone drives but manage to get around with public transport.