To not agree to DC traveling alone with my husband

[Playdoughy]

Our dc is 3.5yo and has a great relationship with DH, they play, he looks up to him, he adores him.
However my dh is not exactly a textbook responsible parent and he is not even aware of it...
I will just say he'd happily put ds in the back of a car without a car seat (I always have to argue not to allow this), he has no clue about what he can or cannot eat (ds is not allergic to anything, I am taking e.g. not bothering to slice grapes and leaving him alone in the room to eat a full bowl even when he was very little.)
He never even bothered to watch a 3 minute first aid video, he leaves ds walking behind him in public places while he is checking the phone...
I am super vigilant and these situations drive me crazy.
I have never left my ds not even for a short work trip exactly because of this.

DH now insists of visiting his family abroad with ds alone. Ds knows them only over the phone camera (dh and his parents have had a hot/cold relationship and finally it is warm enough for him wanting them to meet DS). They are ok and responsible people but also old and tired.
I just worry about my ds safety if this short trip (few nights) goes ahead.

I already expressed I am not keen and dh obviously got very upset, mumbles how I don't allow his child to meet grandparents...
And yes he insists he goes without me because of their complex relationship.

I wish I can just say plain no but that doesn't seem fair to him either...
Plus he'd retaliate not allowing me to travel alone with kids in future (as i did before, but dh chose not to go - he was invited and included in the plans.).

I don't know if I am unreasonable, unfair or should just listen to my gut even if he really is upset.

Well, he’s not going to learn if you never let your child out of your sight…?

@Playdoughy you have to keep your child safe. So you’ll go with or they don’t go at all.

His complex relationship with parents is his issue not yours.

Yanbu.
However, it is unacceptable that you seem to think him neglecting his child is ok when you are around.

If visiting his parents will motivate him to actually learn the basics of parenting and child safety, then use that as a carrot 🥕

If it won’t, then I would be considering a divorce.

At what cost? I can think of 2 mums on here who lost their children due to their careless husbands and another whose child suffered terrible burns because her husband was supposed to be watching him and didn't.
If I was OP I wouldn't take a chance.

Why would you / are you not going?

Never let your child go to another country without you without checking that country is covered by the Hague convention. Too many children get taken for a “holiday” by a parent who never returns.

Wanting to travel abroad without you makes me worry.

OP said “I already expressed I am not keen and dh obviously got very upset, mumbles how I don't allow his child to meet grandparents...
And yes he insists he goes without me because of their complex relationship”

My ex was the same. I absolutely would not let the child go. The child is priority and his safety is more important than anything else.

Omg :( that is horrible :(

It is Europe, but still, I see your point.
Him by himself would not do something like that, however the odd relationship with his parents worries me as well... His dm can be quite possessive and may influence him to stay longer and longer...

If you were divorced and splitting care 50/50 you would have no say over how he parents in his time.

why are you with your partner if you can’t trust him to look after his own child? At some point you have to stop being controlling over it and let him parent his way (but not the car seats! )

I think you need to speak to someone about your anxiety/control over the care of your child, I don’t think its normal to be like this.

As for visiting the parents, I don’t think you should take away your child's possible only chance of meeting their grandparents

I don’t like the sound of it. I also don’t see how his complex relationship with them means you don’t travel. This doesn’t stack up and I wouldn’t let him go. Children disappear in cases like this.
if your gut says no, then don’t allow it.
im saying this as someone who let my husband take my eldest snowboarding in France last month, I am not against dads travelling with children as a principle, but what you’ve said put the frighteners on me.

What is your long term plan? To never let your husband look after your child without you forever? There is a much bigger issue here that your husband cannot adequately look after his child to do the bare minimum of keeping him safe. That is very concerning.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable exactly as I can understand this perspective but I do thing not trusting him with your child is a big issue that you’ve managed to work around for this long, until this trip has brought it back into focus.

In this scenario it’s not even as “simple” as leaving him as if he had custody he’d have the child unsupervised.

You need to figure this out between you urgently. It will destroy not only your relationship with your husband but also affect his relationship with your child. You can’t seriously maintain the status quo of not leaving your child in his care long term. You may need outside support for a neutral perspective to establish how much of this is your anxiety and how much is objectively unsafe.

I would be like this with DH if he had ever thought letting DC go in a car without a car seat was acceptable parenting.

Child trailing unnoticed behind parent who is checking phone in a country child does not know..

That is what is unreasonable. Impermissible.

Anxiety, bollox.

Presumably long term plan is wait a few years till child is bigger and can speak up for itself.

But in this situation, the OP is there and being primary parent and not allowing ‘DH’ to parent. We are judging him based off the OP’s anxiety, rightly or wrongly he is isn’t being allowed to be the active parent at any point.

its a sad situation & it needs to be rectified, not least because as the child gets older this anxiety the OP has is going to burn her out. This is the real issue here.

It is not OP's anxiety to want the car seat in the car. Did you notice her husband left his child alone when young with choking hazards...a full bowl of grapes?
Are you female?
All very Yellow Wallpaper, this insistence on 'anxiety'.

last time I checked…

I said the car seat was unacceptable. What more do you want blood?

The OP has worked herself into this anxious state. i’m sorry I don’t know what else you want me to call it, I’m trying to be kind with what I say.

no harm came to the child re the grapes, we know this cos there would be no post. These things have pushed the OP to point blank not trust her husband to be a parent. Surely you can see that this has come to an unacceptable point. I hate to say this but how is he expected to learn to care for his child properly if he isn’t allowed to care for the child.

thats my point. I’m sorry but the child will need to start school soon, how will the OP cope with leaving the child at school with unknown teachers if she can’t even trust her husband to the point she won’t allow anyone else to care for the child. Surely you see that is slightly unhinged and not workable long term.

not dealing with the issue is not going to fix it

I know, and I cannot pinpoint exactly what I think may happen but the whole situation doesn't fill me with trust.
Even if there is absolutely no hidden agenda here , what if they simply fall out again while they are there...how uncomfortable may conversations go, where is my ds while they are arguing...

teachers are trained
husband apparently has refused to learn
child is not a learning prop
'did not choke' is just good luck
you are wildly overreading
discussion is not about dayschool or even boarding school
it is about an overseas trip
are you female? (sorry, maybe that is what you checked...I thought you were checking the OP)

Our ds goes to nursery and is left with strangers 5 days a week. They are professionals as will be the teachers etc...

Yes my anxiety is through the roof, and I think any mother would be the same if dh consistently insists to just pop into a random cab with a baby, later toddler simply sitting next to him, and not bother ordering the one with the car seat or bringing the carseat along.
From his point of view we only have a car seat in our car because I told him it is legally required - yes he check every few months with me do we still really need it - he literally does not care to even know the legal requirements for driving a child in a car.

He is also no stranger to playing with or tickling ds while he is eating - he says he loves it (ofcourse he does but that doesn't make it ok) and when I ask him to stop he says that I am worried for nothing and spoiling all the fun.

then you should be asking yourself why you are still with this man?

apart from sending your anxiety through the roof. What is he actually bringing to the relationship.

you shouldn’t have to be living your life like this

sounds like OP is anxious because husband is not a helpmate but a big child
she is right to hold the reins till he mans up or the child is older

He is simply immature and no - there were no signs of this before we had children. Perhaps the fact that he never took care of a living creature not even a plant could have been a giveaway but I wasn't seeing it...