Would you accept a very long engagement after a partner’s difficult divorce?

[Sally20099]

I’ve heard from one of my friends that DP is going to propose soon. (She apparently knows this as she is married to one of his friends who is in on the secret). DP and I share two DC together and are very happy and I would definitely want to get married. However, my question for you all… he went through a messy divorce before we met, and apparently doesn’t really want to get married again for a long time. As well as the emotional impact, he lost a lot of his long standing family money in the divorce and seems quite scarred by this. Despite this, he is supposed to be “desperate” to show his love and commitment by proposing and getting engaged, but only with plans to marry a long time in the future. (1) I feel this level of knowledge seems rather detailed and I wonder if I’m being sounded out to see how I feel?. (2) I can’t decide whether I want to be engaged in that way. I’m curious on others opinions please?

Why are these "friends" spreading this secret info and feeding it back to you?!

At best it feels more like idle chat - "if I was to propose, I wouldn't want to get married for a long time".

A long engagement in itself wouldn't bother me. DH and I were engaged for over 6 years before we married.

But getting engaged to show his love and commitment and already anticipating having a long engagement would bother me.

It feels slightly like trying to trap someone without delivering. "I love you. I want to spend my life with you. But I don't trust you, so please wait 10-15 years."

But no one should be telling you any of this. You're adults, not children in the playground playing chinese whispers.

I'd be fuming if a 'friend' told me all this and ruined the suprise!

I'd be very suspicious of a man who is willing to make two babies with someone, but doesn't feel up to the commitment of marriage. You've already made the biggest commitment there is, marriage is really just for legal protection at this point.

Nope, not for me. If he wants to marry me he wants to marry me, not make a showy engagement and ‘consider’ marriage years down the line. What’s the
point in it all? If you’re happy as you are stay that way, it’s cruel of him to propose when you want to get married but he doesn’t, well not for years.

Why are your “friends” spoiling your “surprise” by telling you all this?!

You've already got two children together. How come relative strangers can tell you more about the state of your partners mind regarding your relationship than you already know? You are trying to second guess what he does and doesn't want. What do you want? go from there.

Well he already managed to have 2 DC with you despite his messy divorce. How long have you been together that he still needs you to prove that you won’t run off with his money?

I would never have had children with someone without marriage so only you can decide if the crumbs on offer now are better than what you have if you turn him down.

But getting engaged to show his love and commitment and already anticipating having a long engagement would bother me.
It feels slightly like trying to trap someone without delivering. "I love you. I want to spend my life with you. But I don't trust you, so please wait 10-15 years."

I have to agree with this. He's showing off to others that he is a "good" man and yet to the person he supposedly loves he is saying you are not "worthy". I detest those sort of men. All show and no substance.

If you accept then I hope you and he can agree on a date and start planning/booking, otherwise it's just future faking imo.

I was with my partner from Oct 2020 til Feb 2026.
It was semi long distance, MH issues on both sides, both financial and caring issues meant living together not possible, no marriage possiblity indefinitely etc.

We got engaged Oct 2024 as i wanted that extra "vow" of intention to marry, it made me feel more secure, that i wasn't just temporary and easily disposable i guess. It showed others too that we had a serious commitment to eachother. I'd have rathered spend the rest of my life engaged and never marry, than "just" be a girlfriend. Engaged also feels more grown up and adult than being boyfriend/girlfriend.

It ended, but it hasn't changed my view that after 3-5 years it's a step up i personally prefer to take. Before 3 feels too soon, more than 5 feels like too long to not up the commitment level.

He isnt going to marry you.

That’s not really an engagement, it’s just a gesture

And shitty behaviour if you already have children together

Getting married is such a personal discussion which will affect the rest of your life both legally and financially. I cannot for one moment imagine not discussing this with my partner.

You should have discussed all of this already before he even 'proposes'.

It's up to you what you want but for me I don't see any point in getting engaged unless you are willing to set the date.

An engagement isn’t a sign of commitment these days anyway. Legally it means nothing. If he wants to show commitment he can only do that by actually committing. Not by making non-binding gesture saying that he plans to commit at some undefined time in the distant future.

(I hope you are both protected OP in the event that one of you dies unexpectedly, so the surviving partner won’t be left with a legal tangle on top of everything else.)

Either get married or don't, but make sure you both have wills. I see no point in getting engaged tbh with two kids together and would wonder why he thought this was a good idea.

You need to discuss this with him not your friends or here

Quite

Is this another one post provocative subject thread AGAIN? With no op response

Sounds like he has little to no intention of actually getting married, he’s throwing you a little bone to keep you happy and onside but isn’t actually offering you anything at all.

Why are you waiting for him to propose to you? You have two children together and should have sorted this before the first. Protect yourself by proposing to him this weekend and booking the register office. If he says no, at least you will know that you need to sort out your own financial security going forward.

It’s an insult , I’d be furious.

Ignore these rumours. They could mean anything or nothing.

It means you get a fancy ring, that's all.

All I wanted was to canvas opinions to calibrate my own thoughts and feelings. Why do you think it’s provocative?