Would you accept a very long engagement after a partner’s difficult divorce?

[Sally20099]

I’ve heard from one of my friends that DP is going to propose soon. (She apparently knows this as she is married to one of his friends who is in on the secret). DP and I share two DC together and are very happy and I would definitely want to get married. However, my question for you all… he went through a messy divorce before we met, and apparently doesn’t really want to get married again for a long time. As well as the emotional impact, he lost a lot of his long standing family money in the divorce and seems quite scarred by this. Despite this, he is supposed to be “desperate” to show his love and commitment by proposing and getting engaged, but only with plans to marry a long time in the future. (1) I feel this level of knowledge seems rather detailed and I wonder if I’m being sounded out to see how I feel?. (2) I can’t decide whether I want to be engaged in that way. I’m curious on others opinions please?

If you really would like to get married (or at least be engaged), is there a reason why you can't propose?

The guy’s got two kids with you.

I can’t take this seriously lol.

My opinion is that your friend is a crap friend for stirring the pot. Presumably she wants to put you off. Wait until he proposes and then discuss it. Tell the friend to mind her own business

'crumbs on offer' is a bit extreme.
Some men have had their fingers burnt badly by divorce and I can understand why some men are reluctant to marry again.
Some women are vultures and ruin it for those who genuinely aren't out for all they can get, way beyond reason.

I think this too. If you both wanted such different things you should have talked about it before you had two children together.

I don’t need protecting - why do so many see their DP / DH as cash machines? Very strange. I earn more than him and also half the equity in our home.

Why have two children with someone you don’t have a basic understanding with? I’m probably too old fashioned on this subject, but for me you get marriage and agreed vision aligned first then you think about children

If he doesn’t want to share his money and assets in the event of breaking up, or want you to do so, doesn’t want marriage, engagement to marry is illogical.

The most likely motive to propose in this scenario is that he thinks you want marriage and he wants to stay in the relationship for now, ie string you along.

Friend has given you a heads up.

Im a bit surprised that your primary concern is that your partner isnt just having this conversation with you directly?? You've had two kids together and he's still not mature enough to raise this with you? He's already been divorced once but thinks this is an appropriate way to communicate?

@Sally20099 If you'll be financially sound without a contract (marriage) then don't bother. If you did marry and divorce he would be able to claim half of your assets, including your pension. If you're better off than him, then think seriously about it. And don't think divorce will never happen to you.

Exactly. Why is the decision whether to marry one which couples don't discuss and agree upon as equals? Some many women happy to be passengers in their own lives.

'Crumbs on offer' is an absolutely perfect description.

Happy to be connected to his girlfriend for life via two children.

But not happy enough to marry her.

Awful.

‘treating men like cash machines’, ‘vultures’, ‘out for all they can get’

Presumably simply for, after marriage and DC, seeking what court deems an appropriate share of marital assets.

You’ve got 2 children together, but he doesn’t want to commit? If that’s the case( rather than some chat being misconstrued) I’d be pretty upset. Either he wants to marry you or he doesn’t. And another poster has mentioned the legal protection, you need to make sure your own position is protected. Sounds like his divorce was a long time ago, it’s not relevant now in his relationship with you.

Okay, sorry, I was rather making the assumption that you would be the one financially disadvantaged if he decided to leave you and DC. I'm glad to hear you'd be okay and apologise for my sexist assumption.

You chose to have two children with a man who is so messed up that he will punish you for his previous mess with an ex?

He's really no prize OP.

I wouldn't have had children with someone so messed up.

He has brought his previous baggage with him into your relationship.

I wouldn't be getting engaged.
I'd be rethinking why I am with him and why I settled for so little in the father of my children.

It's a bit sad. Keep your financial independence.
A long engagement in these circumstances always seem like crumbs for a desperate woman.

You really deserve so much better.

If he had to pay his ex wife (significant) assets i am assuming there were DC from that marriage and she had been financially disadvantaged by child rearing. Pleased to hear you are financially sound though. Perhaps financial commitment in the form of a legal marriage contract isn't in your best interest?

Wouldn't be for me.
I'm divorced and won't get married again, but I am 100% sure of that, and anyone i have had a relationship with since has known.
It's not fair to dangle the promise of marriage if he isn't committed to it. If he is then it can wait until he is comfortable with getting married whenever you want to, if he doesn't want to get married he should let you choose if you are happy with that decision for yourself. This seems like trying to keep you in a relationship without being committed to the outcome himself, and it would sit very uncomfortably with me.
Your 'friend' is either an idiot or your dp has asked them to manage your expectations.

Nope - future faking! If he can have 2 kids with you, he should marry you.
I'd be pissed off that I was being denied a proper commitment because of a previous relationship of his!

Also getting engaged means nothing if there's no intent to actually get married. Getting engaged means you are ready to commit - it's not a placeholder!

This!

What's the point of him only wanting to get married "a long time in the future"? What difference does that make?
Either you get married & both take the leap of faith or you carry on as you are. You are committed to each other through having children together and you say you don't need the financial protection of a marriage.

It all just sounds a bit silly to me & I think I would be annoyed & offended by the friend telling me about it (& probably sounding me out) and my partner's patronising view that I would need a ring and a promise of "maybe I'll marry you one day, perhaps, maybe, who knows?" to keep me happy.
It would give me the ick to be honest.

Because I love him and wanted children!

I am married but if we split up I wouldn’t want to get married again. However I also wouldn’t have more kids with someone and then ask them to marry me with little intention of following through. I think you need to have a chat with him about it OP. I would explain you don’t want a token engagement ring if he’s not actually up for getting married in the next year or two.

People who have endured a horrible divorce have very different views from those who haven't. It's very hard for the latter group to understand. It's not that you don't trust your partner specifically, it's that all your faith in love and other people has been destroyed. Your eyes have been opened. Together with the almost-half divorce rate, you wonder what you could ever have been thinking to get married.

Having said that, he's as committed as it gets anyway, so what's the difference if you marry. I had a horrible marriage and I never want commitment again, which is at least a coherent response to what happened.

OP, if you want marriage, don't accept this half-hearted proposal. If you do, you'll never get married. He's also got no business proposing unless he's ready to set a date and actually marry you. I'd just ignore the whole thing if I were you.

What on earth is the point of this comment? Do you think OP has a time machine or something?