To feel like we bit off more than we could chew with dc2?

[wewerestupid]

I’m saying ‘we’ but probably mean me really. Had ds 2020, it was lockdown, it wasn’t the pregnancy or maternity leave I had hoped for and while I realise it may not have been anyway, I did really want to experience it all ‘properly.’ So two years later found out dc2 was on the way. Much nicer experience of pregnancy and birth, got some of the experiences that I know aren’t important but I felt missed first time.

So nearly three years on and it’s kind of haunting me a bit. I love dc2; I really do. But in some ways they aren’t an easy character. Very, very demanding and controlling, which combined with the needs of dc1 is increasingly hard to manage. I found having them both together pretty miserable for a long time tbh, but for a period it was dc1 who was the tricky one and sometimes my brain would do this idle question of ‘what if you only had dc2’ and I’d feel awful but it was very persistent, and in darker moments I would admit to myself that life would just be so much nicer and easier.

Now it’s dc2 who is the tricky character and that voice is still there but this time wishing I only had dc1, who after a long terrible twos and horrific threenager finally mellowed at about three and three quarters into a really lovely child … I’m hoping the same will happen with dc2

But I just feel guilty all the time, like I’m not meeting their needs well. And it isn’t them who are the problem; it’s me. I just haven’t got enough in me in terms of energy, time, money, to give them both.

People do the best they can with the resources they have available to them at the time. The pandemic was a pretty traumatic time. High needs children are also really difficult.
Seasons will come and seasons will go. These young years are the hardest and when your dc are approaching double digits it'll get much easier. 💐

Thanks, I hope so, it just seems such a long way into the future.

My two have times when one is easier than the other - I think that’s quite normal because they have different personalities. Try not to be hard on yourself. Someone said for me to look in on them sleeping if I’d had a hard day - it reminds you they’re so little, and how hard it is to try and meet their needs.

I think your expectations about bringing up children may be a bit unrealistic. Babies and children do not exist to make their parents feel good, by their very nature they are often very demanding and unreasonable but the unexpected times they are lovely make up for a lot, stick in there, they'll be grown up before you know it and you'll look back and wonder where the time went.

I am not saying I don’t love them; I don’t really need to look at them sleeping although I have to admit I’ve never understood that advice. When they are sleeping they are just sleeping. And that’s a window of about an hour I have to myself every day I’m eating into by looking at them asleep.

It is probably true that when you look back it goes quickly but it doesn’t feel very fast when you’re in the thick of it. To be honest it feels like a long time since they were babies even.

I agree that days with two pre-schoolers can seem endless and can really wear you down. Do you ever get a break from them, do they not go to playgroup or nursery? Any family or friends that could babysit for a couple of hours maybe to give you a bit of time to yourself?

I don’t really need to look at them sleeping although I have to admit I’ve never understood that advice. When they are sleeping they are just sleeping.

I can't agree with this at all.
One of my dc was extremely challenging. We had some very dark days over the first 10 - 12 years, but looking at him sleep at the end of a bad day melted my heart and reset everything to go again tomorrow.

But, to reply to your opening post, I agree with pps in saying that having small dc IS challenging. I completely agree with @six666 's post. Life changes when you have dc. It is exhausting in the early years. But - as you have already said - they go through phases. It is a good mantra to repeat to yourself internally when having a bad day "It's a phase. It will end".
Also, remember that you have two different, independent people. They are not clones of each other. They will have their own personalities and ways of doing things.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Lots (most?) parents go through stages of 'coping' or 'just doing their best' when dc are young, often combined with a time when money is tight, which never makes life easier.

That age gap is quite difficult as the youngest child would have still needed you a lot when the baby was born, and there's no preschool hours to let you focus on the baby. I had a bigger gap and found it easier to manage having 2 dcs on my own as the older one was more independent. It does sound like they are high needs and that makes it harder. If you feel there are additional needs you can ask for more help from your GP.

Children are different. . It's seldom your parenting at that young age. They are difficult at various stages which might be different. Maybe you got the easier child first, I think a lot of people who have a difficult baby don't have a second child, not realising that it's not always like that.
My first was so hard as a baby and the second was a dream. The first was easy at four and the second was a challenge. From five onwards they were both easy. Some people have easy babies and tricky teenagers.
Mine were two years apart and while there was one very hard year after that it was the perfect age gap.

Definitely more than one hard year. Sometimes it feels like it’s all been bloody awful for a long time 😂

@JustGiveMeReason it isn’t exactly a point for debate is it … it helped you, it doesn’t help me.

I have 3 children. 22 months between dd1 and ds, dd2 came along when dd was almost 4.5. They are now 11, 9 and almost 7. The 11 year old was a delight until little brother was born and became insanely jealous. She mellowed and all was well until recently when all 3 are a handful in their own ways. The 11 year old is hitting puberty I think. That is a whole new ballgame. Ds and dd2 get on really well until they don’t and ww3 breaks out. Dd1 hates ds, he’s annoying and embarrassing. I think you get the picture. Each phase is replaced by another phase. I’m sure even in 20 years there will still be phases. Do I wish I’d stopped at 1 at times. Yes but then they all give me something positive in different ways and I love them all.

Stop being so hard on yourself and remember no two children are the same

When my two (DS9 and DD nearly 5) are arguing I think ‘why did we have a second’ but when they are playing nicely and entertaining each other (which is far more frequently
to be honest) then it’s really nice and I’m glad they have each other. DS having a sibling was the reason we decided to have second as he won’t have any cousins he sees often, for geographical reasons. My age gap is larger than others, which is better in some ways but maybe less so in others (getting the younger one to understand she can’t do everything her brother can do as she’s too small is hard!)

DS is quite protective of DD and really very lovely to her, when she’s shouting at him we tell her she could have a much less caring, less nice big brother. DE has ADHD and autism so something he needs time away from her to decompress and trying to get her to understand that is hard, which is when she usually tells him he’s the worst brother in the world and we have to remind her he’s really not, he was very kind to her earlier but now he needs some time alone!

I think you just need to get out of the other side of the terrible toddler years with your younger one and then hoefully it will be easier.

I had my eldest at 18.
He is now nearly 15.
I had two more, one at 23 and the next at 24. Middle child is autistic and ADHD. I’m going to tell you something for free.
There were many times when DS1 was little that it felt never ending, difficult phases etc and I could never imagine him being older.

In reality he is the easiest child out of all three and now, only a few years off adulthood. Yes he’s had/has his moments but that’s every child. That’s the thing about time, it marches on. Days are long but the years are so short. Parenting is COMPLETELY 100% seasonal. What you’re worried about or struggling with now, you won’t be in a years time. Each child will go through phases and you’ll be grateful that the other isn’t and vice versa. You don’t have to enjoy every phase. For me, I really didn’t enjoy the toddler years, ever. Single. Time. Lack of communication plus wanting to be more independent means a lot of screaming and I have never understood why people love this phase so much. By contrast, everyone said teenage years would be hell when my eldest turned 13 and I’ve loved it. Equally I loved the newborn - 18 months phase. Night waking never bothered me.

You are allowed not to enjoy all of it. There are some phases in parenting that just aren’t enjoyable. But you will find just as one child comes out of one phase, the other will enter one. It’s just how it rolls. Once they’re in school it does level out a bit. But honestly, seasonal is the word you’ve got to remember!

That's you maybe. I've never found looking at sleeping kids " melted my heart"

A sigh of relief and " finally," maybe

Do you think you might have PND? Is it worth speaking to your GP about the feelings you’re having about not coping?
Parenting is hard and especially of multiples but it sounds like you are finding things especially difficult.
I hope your feelings improve

I could have written this. My oldest child (just 6) was a horror from age 2.5-5 really. Over the last year he’s turned into an amazing boy. So clever and observant and witty.

My youngest was the sweetest baby and toddler but, at nearly 3, is picking up the sh*t baton from DC1 spectacularly!

Ive come to realise I probably just don’t like pre schoolers very much. Maybe partly because of the kind of pre schoolers I produce but also maybe because it just doesn’t gel with my personality very well!

Toddlers are hard work, and every parent has a phase they like and a phase they don't. The fact you've hated parenting at this stage for both kids, suggests it's the age you dislike/find hard - not you and not the kids! So hold out hope, this too shall pass. I also don't think my children at 1.5, 2 or 3 were anything like the way they are now - so don't see it as "oh God this is their personality" it's not, they all change as they develop. By 5 they seem totally different and full of lovely conversation.
Also, it is pointless thinking/worrying/asking if a 2nd was a bad idea, they're here now, hindsight won't help you, you didn't know then what you know now so you can't judge yourself for the decisions you once made. You have to just keep on keeping on. Don't torture yourself with "what ifs".

Soon they'll be at school and they'll grow up, and you'll see less of them, and maybe even miss this stage when they're around and needing you so much.... (maybe not but you never know).

I just wanted to say this is a lovely post. Really insightful and comforting on lots of levels. Thank you.

I used to want to throttle people who told me it wouldn’t better. But they were right. The days are long and the years are short.

The days of babies and toddlers with my 2, were some of the hardest and darkest of my life. They both had their moments, but dc2 was the most difficult. And now? She’s 14 and a delight. I genuinely love hanging out with her. And her older sibling too.

But for now, get through each day “everyone fed, nobody dead” was my motto 😂

The fact you've hated parenting at this stage for both kids, suggests it's the age you dislike/find hard - not you and not the kids a rather obvious point I nonetheless missed. A heartfelt thanks.

And thank you all … sorry for my rather grouchy posts yesterday. I was having a tough day yesterday.

I do not enjoy 4 yr olds is what I've realised. My eldest at 4 when youngest was 1 was a horrific time (he is ASD and ADHD so was particularly challenging) but now my comparatively easy daughter is 4 and I realise 4 is HARD! They challenge everything and have massive feelings they have no idea how to deal with. I love them so much and they are also so fun, even at 4, but 4 is very emotionally exhausting.

Agree with this. I was pleasantly surprised by how easy toddlers (circa age 1 to just before 3) were when I’d heard so many bad things. Mine were generally quite sunny and compliant and, if they weren’t being compliant, their strops were pretty cute and I could still surf board them out of places with ease.

The pre school years were absolutely brutal in comparison. DC1 was just full of so much anger and rage for 2 years straight. Age 3 and particularly 4 are the pits.

My parenting philosophy is to do the best with the time and energy you have, nail the basics, celebrate the extras you get to do, and be ready to listen and apologise if your grown up DC feel you could have done things differently, because they're probably right.

Not trying to underplay it at all, but this sounds like an age of child issue rather than either of your children being a problem in themselves.
Some ages are HARD with kids and the days seem LONG.
It is easy to say and won't help you right now but it does get easier.

Whenever I’ve had tricky times in my life I scale stuff right back, try not to think about the future and take half a day at a time. Things will change but try not to wonder too hard when that will be. Good luck xx