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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to refuse sex if my husband heads straight to the pub?

58 replies

Idontthinkso88 · 24/04/2026 21:49

My husband and I get a limited amount of time together without children as he works away and we don’t have anyone to look after our children. Once I’ve got them to bed we usually have an hour or two together before I got to bed. One night a week/every other week is also his ‘pub night’ where he goes to our local to see a couple of his mates which is fine, I know it matters to him that he gets to see them. On that night we only get an hour together as he doesn’t want to go out too late or he won’t get the time with his friends before closing time but he also wants me and him to have sex before he goes. I’ve told him that I don’t like it when that happens, something about it feels rubbish to me. If we’re having sex then I want us to be together for a bit afterwards, cuddling, chatting that kind of thing. He sees no issue with being out the door a few minutes after we’ve finished and is annoyed at me that I no longer want to have sex if he’s going to the pub that night. I’d hoped by bringing it up that he might stay for longer after we were done but last week, even if was for 20 minutes say. But all he did was stand by the door for a few minutes pretending to listen to what I was saying which annoyed me. He thinks we’re husband and wife and that we can just have sex before he goes out and it shouldn’t be an issue. I can’t think of the exact wording but to me it seems a bit seedy to have sex with someone then they bugger off, even if it is my own husband. Should I be loosening up a bit and not seeing sex as such a big deal? Or is my husband the one who should be more mindful of how I feel? I’d rather just leave sex to a night where he isn’t going to the pub but he thinks we should be having it every night as we get so little time together.

OP posts:
onevision · 24/04/2026 21:52

Why is having sex when he gets back from the pub not an option? I wouldn't like the immediate exit afterwards either.

Error404FucksNotFound · 24/04/2026 21:54

Well that would make me feel used.
Tell him you aren't a wank sock.

Error404FucksNotFound · 24/04/2026 21:55

And if he is concerned with how little time you get together he'd want to spend the evening with you, not nut and go.

Alwaysthesameoldstory · 24/04/2026 21:56

I think he has got thinks the wrong way round. If it was a casual, meaningless relationship then dashing out the door straight after sex would be more normal. But the fact he is your H should surely mean the sex should be more meaningful and actualy involve affection and intimacy after the act .

Sounds as though he doesn't have any affection for you actually and that you are just a body for him to use.

SunMoonandChocolate · 24/04/2026 21:59

Putting it bluntly, all he seems to care about is emptying his ball bag. Tell him that if he wants sex, he takes his time over it, and doesn't go rushing out to meet his mates afterwards, and if he does, the time between sex will get longer each time he does it.

TakeALookAtTheseSwatches · 24/04/2026 22:03

Every day?! Who's got time for that

Meadowflower2023 · 24/04/2026 22:06

When you say he wants to have sex before he goes, is this every single time he goes to the pub? Do you have sex the other nights when he’s home? It seems strange to me. I wouldn’t like him dashing off after too OP. If you don’t feel like it, definitely don’t do it.

AttachmentFTW · 24/04/2026 22:07

Sex every night?! This is an insane expectation. Is your sex drive that high? If so crack on, that's great. But if it's not you shouldn't be having sex at all if you don't feel up for it, for any reason!

Idontthinkso88 · 24/04/2026 22:08

onevision · 24/04/2026 21:52

Why is having sex when he gets back from the pub not an option? I wouldn't like the immediate exit afterwards either.

We’ve got three children aged 7 and under. By the time he’s back from the pub I’m in bed and tbh I’m too tired to get up to have sex with him.

OP posts:
BurntBroccoli · 24/04/2026 22:08

You don’t need an excuse. Just say no whenever you don’t feel like it.

TaraRhu · 24/04/2026 22:11

Nope. Your not withholding sex just because he's going out, you are asking him to actually think about your sexual needs. No one likes being sandwiched between work and the pub! Stuff that.

SapphOhNo · 24/04/2026 22:11

He's got his priorities wrong. Youre not a sex cow.

Elz23 · 24/04/2026 22:17

Idontthinkso88 · 24/04/2026 22:08

We’ve got three children aged 7 and under. By the time he’s back from the pub I’m in bed and tbh I’m too tired to get up to have sex with him.

In that case YABU. Who can blame him for wanting to be intimate when the opportunity arises - it sounds like you can’t be bothered.

And I say that as someone with a very young DC

Endofyear · 24/04/2026 22:22

Elz23 · 24/04/2026 22:17

In that case YABU. Who can blame him for wanting to be intimate when the opportunity arises - it sounds like you can’t be bothered.

And I say that as someone with a very young DC

Edited

Are you for real? What utter nonsense 🙄

MandemChickenShop · 24/04/2026 22:23

3 kids under 7 and sex every night, that's a good effort that. Time for the pub too. What a rizzler.

wahwahwoo · 24/04/2026 22:28

He expects sex every night? When you have 3 small kids?! Well, what do you want?

cestlavielife · 24/04/2026 22:31

Does he want to boast to his mates that he just had sex?

Delphiniumandlupins · 24/04/2026 22:33

He can want sex every night but if you're not in the mood he's not getting it. And him leaping out of bed before the sweat has dried is leaving you feeling used. It's up to him to make himself more attractive to you.

blubberyboo · 24/04/2026 22:41

You should only be having sex when you want to have sex

Happyjoe · 24/04/2026 22:43

Well, it's hardly bloody romantic is it? No, I would feel the same as you OP. And if you wish to say no, say no. He can do one if he has a problem with that! It's him that choses to go see his friends rather than spend it with you - fine - but he can't have everything he wants in life at your cost.

And jesus, you have sex every night?!!!

ACR7 · 24/04/2026 22:45

Firstly It’d be a no from me for daily sex. Even in the peak of our sex life that would be a no.

but- I also don’t need much fussing after sex. It wouldn’t bother me if we squeezed in abit of fun and he went out. I don’t need cuddles etc but everyone’s different.

Happyjoe · 24/04/2026 22:48

Elz23 · 24/04/2026 22:17

In that case YABU. Who can blame him for wanting to be intimate when the opportunity arises - it sounds like you can’t be bothered.

And I say that as someone with a very young DC

Edited

Hmmm

Scout2016 · 24/04/2026 22:49

So he works away leaving you home with 3 young kids, but goes to the pub with his mates weekly and expects sex every night when he is at home?
No YANBU

Please tell me you get some time to yourself too.

Scout2016 · 24/04/2026 22:54

Once I’ve got them to bed

This is telling OP. Did you mean "I" not "we", with 3 kids and him working away other nights?

How much does he work away?

TheAutumnCrow · 24/04/2026 22:55

Elz23 · 24/04/2026 22:17

In that case YABU. Who can blame him for wanting to be intimate when the opportunity arises - it sounds like you can’t be bothered.

And I say that as someone with a very young DC

Edited

Oh my god! A woman can’t be bothered every night and every day. Alert the Cool Wives Police.