AIBU to feel unsupported over sleep deprivation and caring responsibilities?

[WTFshouldido2020]

Me & DH just argued about how tired I am.

back story: SEN child + old dog + my ADHD means I don’t get ad much sleep as I need. I do work PT, mon-we’d. I’m 45. He cooks, I do everything else in the house.

The past 7 months I’ve found all this particularly hard, feeling down, exhausted & no motivation. I love my SEN child but it’s like being on a rollercoaster of stressful events even without lack of sleep.

DH is the type to sleep 9-12hr every night.

I've felt awful this week due to sleep de privation. My dog will prob die this year & my sleep will improve but I don’t relish that prospect. My SEN son will still walk past my husband to wake me up when he can’t sleep.

Heres the issue. I know I can’t talk about how bad I feel (including poss perimenopause) with my husband because of how he reacts. I just did & He said I should wake him up, he can’t help it & im unreasonable. When I tried to explain that would mean I would wake up & what’s the point he got angry. He left the room& returned saying the same thing, when was asking him to listen to me he left mimicking me.
im not saying I was calm or perfect, but when he reacts like that I can’t speak about how I feel.
life hasn’t been easy for me & I need kindness. I have no parents or anyone who looks out for me/who I could talk to. I try my best for my kids & love them so much but feel so lonely.

it’s hard to convey to someone how awful you feel from sleep deprivation. He doesn’t get it because I shielded him from it.

If he's sleeping 12 hours a night I presume that he aslo has health issues as that is not normal for a healthy person.

No health issues. He sleep 9-10hrs on a normal night, 10-12 on annual leave/christmas/weekends.

How old is the SEN child and what sort of suppprt do they need overnight?

adhd can be very tricky with sleep - are you medicatad?

there may be things you can do to improve your sleep.

How is he able to sleep for 12 hours? Do you not agree that you both have a long lie at weekends taking turn about? What’s happening that you’re up every night? I’d be very unimpressed at his lack of support but would start by dividing up labour and household tasks.

If he’s a heavy sleeper, then you will need to wake him. He needs to get up earlier on some days so you can have a lay in!

Take a deep breath, and start prioritising yourself. Each and every day. You can’t do it all. Leave the housework, Yes it will be there tomorrow, but let him start to see all the shit pile up that you’ve been holding onto. Just go to bed, stay in bed in the morning, get your dc to get in bed with you in the morning during the weekend. If he won’t help you, start helping yourself. Just try to slow down.

It won’t take long for him to notice you dropping all the spinning plates, and at that point he makes a choice, to step up
or step out.

Yanbu to feel like shit, but yabu to refuse to wake him up if he's specifically asked you to so that he can also help. Your child will never learn to seek anyone out but you if you're always the one settling him.

SEN child is 11. It’s not every night now but his meds affect his sleep so some night he can’t sleep & I am awake with him. In the far of it this isn’t so bad now but 11 years of sleep issues. Or perhaps I had less resilience to it currently due to dog/perimenopause/ADHD/endometriosisissues affecting MH.

im not medicated. I take magnesium. My dog is on its last legs so I’m frequently up in the night with him.

my issue is more to do with DH & feeling alone. I don’t think it’s much to expect him to be sympathetic/grateful/sleep on settee w dog occasionally,

Peri is bloody brutal for sleep issues to be honest. That was what made me crack and beg for HRT.

i have had elderly pets sleeping in my room when they were ill. Non ideal esp if incontinent but the sofa is not comfortable.

Your dh has got it easy, living the high life, why would he want that to change? He’s probably lying there with his eyes open pretending to be asleep, hoping you don’t realise.

Dh needs to talk to dc and tell him not to wake you up and to wake him up.

my issue is more to do with DH & feeling alone. I don’t think it’s much to expect him to be sympathetic/grateful/sleep on settee w dog occasionally,
why would he need to sleep on the settee?
is ds in full time school? Can you take time for your self on a Thursday or Fri when you don’t work and kids are at school?

What is your husband like at weekends, does he take up the slack? Can you catch up on sleep when not working?

I think people who don't suffer with sleep issues struggle to have empathy with those that do. I need er understood insomnia because if I was tired I slept...until I didn't!

I think you need to take ownership of your own health and plan time to catch up on sleep. Also book in a check up. Peri does disrupt sleep with a whole host of other symptoms which you only realise once you are on hrt or finally start to improve.

What do you want your husband to do differently? It’s not very clear. If you need more hands on help, when do you need it? Do you need him to take on caring for the dog? Or to step in when your DS is looking for a parent? If you want him to get up earlier, maybe he should be setting an alarm to wake him (9 hours really should be more than enough for most adults).

Has he ever been ‘the type’ to be grateful and understanding of your sacrifices? I suspect not. Can you take him at his word and wake him?

Thank you for your kindness, I really appreciate it.

im not the tidiest generally & find housework (or the level that is needed with kids) to keep on top of. But I also find the mess drags me down too.

he doesn’t see it. He does do food shop/cook but tidying/cleaning/washing is for me.

thanks again, your response felt lovely.

How???? What time does he go to bed?

I am on the sofa tonight, it’s more frequently me with the dog on sofa. I am upset tonight so don’t want to sleep together.

I wouldn’t mind sleeping on sofa if he dealt with dog/child upstairs but there is no offer.

OP it's understandable that you are struggling when you're sleep deprived. Your DH is obviously getting enough sleep and people who haven't been through it don't have any idea how awful it makes you feel.

From your DHs point of view, it may sound like you are just complaining to him rather than asking for support. You need to be explicit about what you want - whether that's a cuddle, an offer to sleep downstairs with the dog, to stay up with your son or to take over when he gets in from work so that you can go and lie down for a few hours. Can you let him sort the kids and dog at the weekend so you can try and catch up on some sleep?

To have some /kindness when I bring it up tonight. I have felt terrible on & off & wanted to explain how I felt. When I mentioned the sleeping he just got angry.

I accept I will need to do the majority of sleepless night with dog & child as they both want me. But I would like to have conversation with my husband if I’m struggling without him getting angry & perhaps some gratitude/offer of help rather than him getting angry with me.

Whilst I am fortunate in someways in others life hasn’t been so kind. i am going seek counselling for someone to help talk to. Is this normal to not discuss if you’re feeling bad with a partner?

What’s waking 11 yo? Are they able to self settle with a book? What are they looking for from you, is it the I’m up so other people should be?

Why can't you have a lie in at the weekend when your DH is there?

Because our children have activities on the weekend mornings & we have children to look after/supervise.

Does he think you should do things differently? I know from experience it’s very hard to have sympathy for people who want to moan (repeatedly) but don’t want to make any changes that might improve a situation. Are there any concrete specific things that could be changed to make things work better for you? You want him to sympathise : be grateful, while you carry on doing exactly what’s making you miserable?

It’s awful not getting enough sleep, I really do sympathise.

You need to prioritise getting some sleep. The children can miss their activities for one week whilst you catch up on sleep. Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.

So you don't want anything to change, you just want a sympathetic ear?

That's fine. I would start with: "I need to have a moan and I need you to be sympathetic and give me a cuddle".

Does your husband have ND issues too?

Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with this.
Let's look at the situation from his perspective for a moment. You complain, he feels like he should be doing something about it so he offers a solution. You dismiss his solution and, instead of telling what would help you, you complain some more and then accuse him of not understanding how you feel. What is he to do? Of course he will be annoyed because it is not quite clear what he can do to make you feel understood.
Instead of telling him how you feel (which is, no doubt, awful), why not ask him for what you need. Concrete actionable requests - do washing up, hoover, fold laundry..whatever it is you think will help. A hug?
But you do have to start expressing your needs, not just your feelings.