Aibu to pursue a potential fling...

[Reallybadmother]

Hi all. So, I'm currently living with ex partner. We separated a few months ago but still live together. He was abusive which is why I left him. I have secured housing and will be moving out in early August. We have two DC (both under 5).

There's a guy at work who I like. I am pretty sure he likes me too. He is 6 years younger than me which puts me off a bit as he is still pretty early 20's, but seems mature for his age. Doesn't sleep around and is single, just seems to spend his life working.

I do not want a relationship as it is far too soon, but I cannot stop thinking about him. Do I pursue FWB? I don't want to be the one to make the first move but I don't know if he ever will as he's really respectful and a little shy. I'm scared that if I do approach him he might reject me and I don't know how I would handle that whilst still working there, honestly. This is why I never get with anyone that I work with, but there's something about him that I have always liked. He is very kind, gentle, soft spoken, and looks at me so lovingly when we have conversations. Even the way he looks around is attractive. His physical appearance isn't what I would normally go for, but he is good-looking, and I think I'm finding him super attractive because his personality is so attractive.

Anyway, I'm rambling. What should I do? He added me on social media last night at around 11pm, which I thought was a little sus to do it at that hour when he had finished work at 6pm with nothing else on (or so he said). I accepted it this morning but obviously not expecting him to just message me straight away.

I know I'm over thinking this by a very large margin, but he is living in my head rent free right now and I don't know what to do aaaaaaaa help

don't post then if you don't want honest answers it's simple. Make your own mind up and don't share on here.

It was fast, but, it was also actually quite complex. Looking back, I could spot what was happening a mile off now. Being abused for that long has taught me a lot in the way of how they work and what they do. This guy is not like that at all, and I don't even want a relationship.

I really don't like that so many people label women that have been abused as a write off, in a way. As if, because we were in one abusive relationship, we're completely thick and thus any relationship we then pursue will end in abuse. I'm not stupid and it's not my fault he decided to abuse me. I know the signs, I know it makes it more likely I will end up in another abusive relationship due to having been in one before. It does not, however, make it a guarantee. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life single because the statistics suggest I'm going to get abused again. To reiterate, I'm not seeking a relationship. If he is, I will not pursue it.

Please don't disguise your childish, bitchy comments as "honest answers". I will post what I like, when I like. If you don't have the self-control not to comment multiple nasty things on someone else's thread, then you should seek therapy. You can make constructive comments without being nasty and insulting, it really is not hard.

True, I just have a thing for this one now. Where do you meet people, other than Tinder? I'm simply not doing online dating.

At best you sound like very hard work OP

I don't drink because I don't use alcohol as a coping mechanism.

Personally I wouldn't you have just come out of an abusive relationship you need time to heal and having a work fling doesn't end well and if he's not one to sleep around then an FWB might be something that doesn't appeal to him, I think I would take your time heal before jumping into anything just a few months after coming out of an abusive relationship before getting involved in anything else be that an FWB or relationship

Ah yes, the old 'calling a woman difficult' if she doesn't tolerate abuse from others and stands up for herself. Perhaps you should seek therapy, too, for your internalised misogyny.

Yes but OP your opening words here are the key to what I was really getting at: "It was fast."

You have been through a lot, and with all the good will in the world, your dc will have been through a lot.

Sometimes you can slow down, lick wounds and pause to get yourself over things. You can't possibly be properly over your ex with him still in the house.

Terrible idea whilst still living with an abusive man, and I bet the guy at work wouldn’t be signing up for it either if he knew the risks of an abusive ex turning up at his door. If your ex leaves next month, wait it out. Guy at work may not be interested in a FWB situation. They aren’t for everyone.

It’s not about writing you off. There was something that you recognised in your ex and for, I guess, many complicated reasons, you didn’t act on those warnings. Very often women come out of abusive relationships and understandably want something that feels loving, or caring, or simply makes you feel attractive again. Or there’s an itch to scratch.

You sound clearer now about what you want and at this point you want hot sex with no strings attached - nothing wrong with that. Folk are just suggesting caution. You’ll get your groove on when the time is right.

I don't anyone is saying don't have a fling.

They are just saying bad idea with colleague.

No strings attached sex is easy. "Do you fancy a shag?" will work with the vast majority of men.

Seeing as you have only been at this workplace for two seconds - and going by what you posted last month - I just don't think you need the added complication of a fuck buddy.

My sentiments exactly

Honestly OP if you want to have a fling go for it, but definitely not with a colleague. You need it to be someone who if things go terribly wrong or even if it just hits a natural end point you get a nice clean “never have to see you again” break.

True

What makes you think he would be interested in a FWB situation? You have said that he doesn't sleep around (so far as you know). If he is interested in you I expect he is thinking of a straightforward relationship which doesn't suit your current circumstances.

Er no most of us wouldnt want to complicate things where we work

Theres plenty of other ways she can have a fling that doesn't involve work

Based off your description, he sounds conventional in a nice way and he might not want a casual hook-up. Maybe get things sorted at home first, and also take your time to get to know him. You’re both on FB now, so that’s a start. Get past the infatuation stage. He might turn out to be a serial killer haha!

Indeed. His pen; your ink

This sounds like an amazing idea! 🙄 what could possibly go wrong!
I really wouldn’t! You have a complicated home life still living with an abusive ex and not due to move out for another 4 months. And fwb with a colleague will make work another complication!