AIBU to feel guilty about moving 20 miles from my parents?

[CelestialCandyfloss]

I feel guilty moving 20 miles away from my parents in their 70's. I'm 52. I want to move out of the boring suburbs to a nearby small town where I feel there is more going on. I am a single mum to a 15 year old - she is 16 in Sept and finishing A levels in 2027. The place I want to move has an Outstanding VI Form College.

I currently visit my parents for lunch every week. Recently I have been feeling like I don't want to visit so often; my dad is extremely judgey and pernickity about things, I usually arrive at 1pm, and a few weeks ago I arrived at 1.15pm as my daughter was messing me around with lifts, and my dad actually shouted at me! I'm a middle aged woman FFS how is he talking to me like I'm a child?!

They gave me loads of support when my daughter was growing up - essentially did all the school drop offs and pick ups so I could work. I feel quite indebted to them, as they also gave me a chunk of money 20 years ago to help me buy my flat. Whenever I mention moving, I am met with a stony silence. I have to commute to my city 2x a week,so I can't move far anyway. I want to get out of the leasehold situation, and I can't do that where I currently live, I'm priced out. Plus I'm so bored of it here!

I just feel stuck, flat and that my life is going nowhere. My friends live miles away, I don't have any close friends that I see regularly now where I live. My daughter is obviously becoming more and more independent.
AIBU to want to move next year??

20 miles is no distance at all. Do what’s right for you.

Its about 30 mins drive most people would commute that every day. If you wanted you still be able to visit every week. I live 70 miles from work my mil is 10 mins from work and we see her one day most weeks.

I live 250 miles from my 80 yr old mum - do it. You have to live your own life - go where you will be happier. It’s still close enough that you can visit etc when they get older (if you want to - it sounds quite a fraught relationship)

Twenty miles is nothing! My elderly parents live 150 miles away and we make it work.
Do what is right for you and your daughter.

Do it OP. They won't like it but will get used to it.

I’ve lived in places where it’s ten miles to the closest corner shop. Move, and don’t feel guilty in the slightest.

I live 220 miles from mine and I'm an only child. Live your own life.

Move, before you end up a miserable 70 year old as well!

20 miles is nothing!

It's 20 miles, do what's best for your children.

You want your child to go to the best sixth form college there is, or put another way, your parents will have their grandchild getting the best education available.

Any loving parent or grandparent would support you if put that way.

20 miles is nothing! I live 200 miles from mine

My DC lives 200 miles away, I’m just delighted they didn’t move to the Antipodes! We have some type of contact most days, and I would say we are close. Live your own life, without guilt.

Absolutely do it and have no regrets. You can't live your life for others and really it's no distance at all. Good luck

20 miles is pretty insignificant if you drive. My mum is only 8 miles away and it can take thirty mins on a Saturday but a weekly visit isn't that onerous.

Anything within an hour of driving is "local". I wouldn't think twice about it.

20 miles is on the doorstep, FFS!
If you'd said 2,000 miles you might have a point.... although, to be fair, you're not responsible for your parents, it's your life and you should live it however you want.

I’ve recently had quite a similar dilemma. You have to do what’s right for you.

My Dad is 93 and has been alone since my mother died four years ago, he lives independently but we’ve always been close by (a 5 minute drive away) should he need us. He’s not the easiest of people to deal with and I found myself not enjoying visiting and started to only go there if there was a reason, eg to drop off some shopping or his prescription.

Our oldest son bought a house in a town an hour away, my sister had moved to that area too. We got to know the area and found it much nicer than where we lived and with more going for it. The town where we lived had really gone downhill in recent years and even though we were fortunate to live with miles of countryside behind our street, we were always met with antisocial behaviour of one kind or another whenever we walked there so it wasn’t as idyllic as it sounded. My husband has no family whatsoever in the area.

We had a choice of either moving or staying put until my Dad was no longer around, and moving then. We’re both in our mid 50s though and, after much consideration, we didn’t want to put off a move. Plus we’d seen houses being built on the estate where our son lives which we loved but wouldn’t be available if we waited.

My Dad showed no interest whatsoever in our move, I think he wanted us at his beck and call at all times.

I'm glad we did what was right for us, and for our family as we have one son still at home who loves living in the new area and we’re now near to our older son and see much more of him.
The only downside is that seeing my Dad is now a 2 hour round trip before time spent with him is added in and it means that half the day is taken up listening to his complaints about his neighbours.

I’ve been in your shoes OP and can understand some of the conflicting emotions you are feeling. We moved more than fifty miles away, and whilst they were upset initially, my parents soon came to terms with it. I think an elderly aunt gave my parents a pep talk. In fact, I’d say now my relationship with my parents is much better: much healthier, much more as equals, I don’t feel beholden to them any more.

I also think they will come to terms with it if you are confident in your decision to move: if they can see you are sure in what you plan. Go for it!

Definitely do it. Don’t tell them until it’s a done deal.

Do what’s best for you and your daughter….think of your future x

You should move. Your priority is you and your daughter. I am also dealing with elderly parents. They live in the Uk and I live in Europe. It’s perfectly reasonable where I live. My Dad is also becoming much more grumpy, unpleasant and selfish as he heads towards 80.
Life is for living. Live it as well as you can and take the opportunities as they come along.

@CelestialCandyfloss 20 miles is nothing. I'd regard that as still local. You must do what's right for you and your dd. We are hundreds of miles away but it's always been the case so can't really compare.

Your dd's education must come first. That's how I'd present it.

Your parents have had their time now it's yours. Move to where you want to.
It's 30 minutes away so not far. And I'd be telling your dad that you are a grown woman he's not to tell you off like a child.

I have lived in a different country to mine for the past 22 years! I do now feel
guilty since my mum is now alone. But I visit as often as I can during holidays (teacher). She’s in her 80’s so I am aware things may change and I will need to move closer … Do not feel guilty about moving a short distance away. Your life, your choice !