AIBU to feel guilty about moving 20 miles from my parents?

[CelestialCandyfloss]

I feel guilty moving 20 miles away from my parents in their 70's. I'm 52. I want to move out of the boring suburbs to a nearby small town where I feel there is more going on. I am a single mum to a 15 year old - she is 16 in Sept and finishing A levels in 2027. The place I want to move has an Outstanding VI Form College.

I currently visit my parents for lunch every week. Recently I have been feeling like I don't want to visit so often; my dad is extremely judgey and pernickity about things, I usually arrive at 1pm, and a few weeks ago I arrived at 1.15pm as my daughter was messing me around with lifts, and my dad actually shouted at me! I'm a middle aged woman FFS how is he talking to me like I'm a child?!

They gave me loads of support when my daughter was growing up - essentially did all the school drop offs and pick ups so I could work. I feel quite indebted to them, as they also gave me a chunk of money 20 years ago to help me buy my flat. Whenever I mention moving, I am met with a stony silence. I have to commute to my city 2x a week,so I can't move far anyway. I want to get out of the leasehold situation, and I can't do that where I currently live, I'm priced out. Plus I'm so bored of it here!

I just feel stuck, flat and that my life is going nowhere. My friends live miles away, I don't have any close friends that I see regularly now where I live. My daughter is obviously becoming more and more independent.
AIBU to want to move next year??

Mine told me I “didn’t care about my child” because I moved 3 miles down the road. A decade later and it improved our life massively and DM is actually fine with it. They just don’t like change when it’s happening.

20 miles is nothing, esp if you drive. My parents moved 253 miles away from us kids.
You get one life, enjoy and live it as best you can.

No problem moving 20 miles from your parents, it’s normal to live elsewhere.

But are you really taking your Dd out mid A levels? Or will she start her 2 year A level course in the new place?

You should call your dad out for speaking to you like that. If it's hard to do in person message him and tell him. You should move, you have one life, your daughter can enjoy living somewhere more interesting too. Your parents could move closer if they're bothered but sounds like some space might be what's needed. Go for it!!!

Tbh I think you OWE it to your daughter.
If that’s where the best education is available to her, that’s where you need to be, if at all possible.

Just move. You can still go for lunch. 20 miles is nothing

My work is almost double that distance just one way.

You would still be pretty local to them 20miles away.
Here that would just be the next town.

You seem quite mentally young and that’s because your parents control you.

Yes they help you and you should forever be grateful for that but that doesn’t mean you don’t get to move on with your life and do the things that you want to.

Do not ask for their help with the move.
Find somewhere and have it all planned and then tell them like it’s no big deal.
If they get upset, then so what.

Are you an only child?

I’m really excited for you OP.
It sounds like you’re ready for this change and it will do you a lot of good x

No. You prioritise your child over your parents. The wants of someone at the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.

No, the plan is to try to time it so we move next year after her GCSEs but before her A Levels. Her school doesn't have VI Form so they are all leaving anyway. I have lived in my flat for 20 years so its kind of daunting planning everything!

You need to get planning OP as these things take longer than you think.

I guess worst comes to worst could she get a bus there and back for a few weeks?

I’m so excited for you both!! 😁😁

I'm not sure what 'mentally young' means as I feel im pretty tough...I've raised my daughter on my own since she was 6 months old, I've paid my mortgage down on my own, and I've worked full-time for the last 9 years. Im not an only child; I have a younger brother who has lived in London for nearly 20 years. He is married with two kids. I guess I feel like I must be the 'dutiful daughter', but I think thats something I just need to get over. Before I lived back in my hometown I live up north for 5 years...I never thought I'd settle back in for this long

Thank you everyone for your kind words and for making me feel infinitely better about my plans! I'm feeling a bit daunted but its a pretty long time in the planning and I feel its right.

Sounds like you’ve made a good move! Good to hear its working out well for you 😊

Funny you should say that I spoke to my auntie and she said oh they'll be fine 🤣 but yes, its just changes to adjust to. Plus if I move i will be able to afford a spare room so they could come and stay as well.

I drive more than that to work each way if you include the school run as well. You are still able to visit as often as you’d like. You have to live your life.

Aww thank you, I feel excited but nervous doing this on my own after so long in one place!
And don't worry...I've got my spreadsheets 🤣🤣

20 miles is nothing do it!
I work 90 miles from home and commute twice a week and my grandparents used to live 35 miles away and we visited once a week during my childhood and when Nan was towards the end mum & I went twice a week then mum did daily when she was in the last few days. My brother lives 40 miles away and mum & dad see him weekly. 20 miles is totally doable and will give you the space you need.

I lived about 8 miles from my mum and dad. With London traffic that was 30 minutes away! Its close OP.

YANBU, 20 miles isn’t remotely far away!

It's 20 miles! Your parents reaction (and yours) tells me that there is much more history here when it comes to the guilt you would carry for even questioning this. The way your father treats you says loads....that he thinks he can treat you as a child still living under his roof...and that you feel indebted to them to the point of tolerating this and considering sacrificing your happiness to please them.

You are 52. You are not getting any younger. You have the right to your own life. Your parents have each other and it is only 20 miles! This shouldn't even be a discussion.

If they are not happy about what you choose to do, that is their problem. You should not feel responsible for their moods, and you have the right to live your own life.

And again...20 miles!