AIBU to feel sad my husband does not want another baby?

[BigBubblesX]

My husband and I have 2 beautiful daughters, our eldest will be 4 in May and our youngest will be 3 in July. I always wanted a big family, but initially my husband didn't want children however he changed his mind and said he would like to have 2 children (about 2 years after we got together).

We've been together for 16 years, and we had a lot of fertility issues with our first, along with 4 miscarriages along the way. When we finally had our daughter it was absolutely surreal and we did start TTC when she was quite young because of the issues we experienced conceiving. We got pregnant quite quickly with our second, much to my surprise! 14 month age gap but my husband did want 2 close in age.

I absolutely adore my girls, they are my entire world and I'm fortunate enough to be a stay at home mum. But as they're getting older I can't help but feel like I'd like another baby. My husband has said he doesn't want anymore children and doesn't seem to want to budge on this. I feel so sad as I don't feel ready to be done having babies. I'm not exactly young (36 this year) so don't even know if I would be able to conceive again anyway, but I've been feeling a bit down about the possibility of having another being gone. An old colleague has just announced another pregnancy (her 3rd) and it's brought back these feelings today.

Am I a terrible person for feeling down about not having any more children? I'm grateful for my girls, I really am, but I can't help but wonder what if?

Has anyone else felt like this? How do you get over it? Am I just being completely unreasonable?

Number of children is the sort of thing you agree on before committing to a life together.

You agreed on two children.

Yabu, unless you both agree on changing the plan then you stick to the plan.

Yanbu to feel like this but I would try to focus on the fact you have two beautiful daughters who are still very young and try and enjoy that. We often don’t get the family we exactly imagined as there is sometimes compromise to be had or things we didn’t anticipate. You are total valid in your feeling though as you would love a third so it’s difficult to accept that this will not happen.

Yes, YABU. You agreed on two and you knew this going into the marriage.

You can’t move the goalposts now without causing a lot of resentment for your husband.

You say you went through quite a lot to get the two babies you have, I wouldn’t be so quick to overlook that and I’d urge you to appreciate and be grateful for them, rather than chase a mythical third baby and embark on a journey could bring you so much more difficulty and pain.

YWBU to be upset with him as he laid it out from the start how many children he wanted.

YANBU to be a little sad though. It's something you will have to work through and learn to be at peace with.

Think of all the advantages to only having two; more time for them individually, a more comfortable lifestyle, nicer family holidays, time to focus on yourself and other hobbies, more money to invest in your two girls hobbies and education.

I would leave it as it is. You are unbelievably blessed. You say you don't feel done with having babies. Do you feel the same about door slamming tweens and pubescent teenagers, amd 3xuniversity fees? They aren't babies for long. You might also have to go back to work if anything happens with your DHs job. Ars you prepared for that? And you are risking further miscarriages while possobly being not too far from perimenopause. I think stop where you are, even if it feels sad for a while to you. The feeling will pass.

2 is plenty. When are you going back to work? You would feel differently then I'm sure.

These feelings will pass.

I had to have IVF for my kids, so having successfully had 2 I knew that was it, I should count my blessings and get on with life.

When my children were in the early years of primary school, every now and then one of the school mums would get pregnant. Then they’d have their babies, gorgeous squidgy smiling babies, and I’d feel really envious that my baby years were over.

But as my kids got older, and moved up to secondary school, I’d drive past the primary school and feel relieved I wasn’t doing all that again. I would find it hard to muster up the enthusiasm and energy simultaneously for A levels, GCSEs, and primary school sports day!!

OP given the difficulties you’ve had, if you were to try for a third, there’d probably be a reasonably large age gap. At the moment you’ve got 2 girls close together. Family days out and holidays are probably quite straightforward. If you add in a baby in, say, 2-3 years time, it all gets much harder.

Am I a terrible person for feeling down about not having any more children?

What's with the manipulative question? 😳

I'm not going to dignify it with an answer.

As for your DH not wanting another baby, it's a shame for you but that's the way it goes sometimes.

I'd try to distract myself if I were you by planning the next stage of my life, which would be getting back to work when your youngest starts school.

YANBU to feel sad but YABU if you want to keep trying to persuade him or aren’t trying to move past feeling this way.
Focus on the children you do have for now, there may be a time in a year or two when you both feel ready for another but you have to accept that time might never come

YABU. My friend railroaded her husband into having more kids. He eventually walked out.

Why does she need to go back to work? Her youngest child is only 2. I hate the judgment towards SAHMs on here sometimes, it’s a completely valid decision for a parent to want to stay home with DC for a few years (and no I’m not saying that because I am a SAHM)

YANBU to feel like you do, but your husband is also not being unreasonable to say no. You really should focus on the kids you already have and make the most of the time you have with them. Time does fly, don't waste it in regret and self-pity.

Yanbu to feel sad, but you also need to find a way to accept your joint agreement and put your efforts into fully enjoying and raising the two dc you already have to the best of your ability. The years will pass so quickly you don’t want to miss any of it wallowing.

No it's not? That's not normal at all. We never had any firm plans, it's ridiculous to plan when you have no idea what having a child is like. You might hate it.

You're not unreasonable to feel the way you feel. However, you and your husband discussed the number of children, and it was agreed at 2. You now have 2 daughters, and as far as your husband is concerned that's it. You can't now change the goal posts and expect your husband to go along with it or not to be annoyed.

Focus on the fact you have 2 healthy daughters, who bring joy to your life and are loved, rather than an imagined baby.

OP you are totally valid to feel sad. But remember your husband is just as valid to not want more. And you can't be surprised if he didn't want any in the first place. Enjoy what you have. It's fine to feel sad but don't punish him for it or go on about it all the time or expect he'll change his mind. You need to find a way to move forward for the sake of your existing kids. Maybe doing something apart from being a parent would give your life another aspect, such as volunteering, and also to keep your skills up for returning to work.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be unhappy about this, @BigBubblesX - but it would be unreasonable to hang on to those feelings and let them affect the family you have now. Acknowledging the feelings is a good start, but you need to take the next steps too - focus on all the good things in your life, and find the things to look forward to, as your children get older - honestly, there are so many special things still in the future for you all.

I haven't had to go through this exactly but I have big age gaps between my DC so what I can say is that in my experince once they turn 4ish and are out of the baby stage, start school and you regain your freedom the longing disappeared for me. So hopefully in a year or so you may not feel exactly like you do know. Maybe start making plans for things you would like to happen for you once you have that freedom.

Yeah but OPs DH didn’t want kids at all and then they agreed on 2, which he has done… so it’s not surprising his sticking to it as he was very clear and they agreed. And it’s incredibly common for people to discuss and decide before they start having kids

Be thankful for what you have or you might find yourself a single mother to 3 kids.

Neither of you are unreasonable.

Your h always wanted 2- were you hoping that he’d change his mind?

It’s tough being the sole provider to a spouse and 2 kids. With cost of living (bills) rising faster than wages for many, it’s sensible for him to think with his head and provide the best life for the kids already here. Assuming that he’s the same age as you or older, maybe he has dreams of early retirement etc ?

Hi @BigBubblesX

I can only tell you my experience; sift from it as you wish.

I also have 2 beautiful DDs - 12 and 9 and they too are very much the lights if my life.

I had 2 losses between DD1 and DD2 and so I have always had this unresolved “what if?” feeling about the losses eg what if it had been a boy? Etc

I definitely knew I wanted 3. I knew that from DD1 because I loved being pregnant and I love babies. I still do. I am 45 now so that ship has sailed but honestly if there was some sort of medical intervention available, I would love one more.

Hope you have stuck with me through that long ramble.

The only thing that helped me is when my mum (mother of 4) told me that, from what she knows of me, even if I had one more, it would not be enough. There is no number that would be enough for me because of how much I love the baby stage so she told me
to override my feelings and use common sense, practicality and economic reality to counteract “broodiness” which is emotional / hormonally driven.

I have probably completely garbled the advice she gave me but it really helped me. When she said “the next one will still not be enough” it was a light bulb moment for me.

Also, I firmly believe that babies should be fully wanted by both parents (assuming you are in a relationship) so when my then husband said “no more”
I did actually recognise that I had to let it go.

I know how you feel though.

I am fully enjoying the ones I have. I hope you can too.

I think you’ll find it is.

YABU.
Quit while you are ahead.

Maybe get a pet?

The longing for another baby is such a powerful, overwhelming desire I don’t think yabu op.

But this is one of those decisions where the person who doesn’t want to be a parent again gets a veto.

I struggled with this. I was genuinely afraid that I would end up resenting dh and at one point gave consideration to the option of leaving him. My youngest was 5 before the longing started to subside, and I think there’s a significant hormonal aspect to it. I didn’t resent Dh- in fact I think he made a good decision for our family. University costs are looming now which changes the priorities and perspectives somewhat!

The grief is real though, and motherhood in all its aspects is intensely visceral. You can be kind to yourself as you process this, but also sensible about what is best for the whole family unit.