AIBU to feel sad my husband does not want another baby?

[BigBubblesX]

My husband and I have 2 beautiful daughters, our eldest will be 4 in May and our youngest will be 3 in July. I always wanted a big family, but initially my husband didn't want children however he changed his mind and said he would like to have 2 children (about 2 years after we got together).

We've been together for 16 years, and we had a lot of fertility issues with our first, along with 4 miscarriages along the way. When we finally had our daughter it was absolutely surreal and we did start TTC when she was quite young because of the issues we experienced conceiving. We got pregnant quite quickly with our second, much to my surprise! 14 month age gap but my husband did want 2 close in age.

I absolutely adore my girls, they are my entire world and I'm fortunate enough to be a stay at home mum. But as they're getting older I can't help but feel like I'd like another baby. My husband has said he doesn't want anymore children and doesn't seem to want to budge on this. I feel so sad as I don't feel ready to be done having babies. I'm not exactly young (36 this year) so don't even know if I would be able to conceive again anyway, but I've been feeling a bit down about the possibility of having another being gone. An old colleague has just announced another pregnancy (her 3rd) and it's brought back these feelings today.

Am I a terrible person for feeling down about not having any more children? I'm grateful for my girls, I really am, but I can't help but wonder what if?

Has anyone else felt like this? How do you get over it? Am I just being completely unreasonable?

Yanbu of course you’re allowed to feel sad about this.
It must have been terribly hard going through 4 losses, and wondering if you’d ever have children.

Also your dh is allowed to feel “done” at two kids.

You can’t both win here but you can ask for your dh help and support to feel better about giving up the chance of a larger family.

However most people would say two kids is a reasonable number. Life gets expensive with more kids, and if your dh isn’t keen to have a third, imagine being that third extra mouth to feed and love - that poor child would realise it’s not wanted. The others would suffer from a grumpy dad too

I always wanted two children. We only have one. Tried for #2 for a few years but miscarriages and infertility prevented it. DH wasn't overly enthusiastic about #2 and eventually we decided to give up. There were a lot of tears on my part over those years but now I don't really feel any regret at all. Once DC got to 4/5 I started to feel the age gap was too big and too many years would be spent doing primary school drop off. Now they are a teenager I wonder how we would have coped with two and finances are much easier. I think the feelings will pass as your children grow.

You said i want another baby. That is quite different from wanting another child.

I wanted another baby I did not want another child.

She actually said baby and child.

You have 2 previous children esp as dh wasn’t sure. He then said 2 tops

cute babies grow and soon be teens

Honestly count your blessings - you could have had none

Precious

Ignore the vote OP as a feeling is a feeling and can't be unreasonable, you're not choosing to feel it! Nobody at the start of a relationship can predict with certainty how many children they will want as they have no real clue about the reality, so I think all the talk of 'you agreed on 2' is a bit nonsensical. Sadly though if he doesn't want another you will need to make peace with that and move past it. Mine is a similar story of fertility struggles and miscarriage, ultimately ending up with wonderful children but one fewer than I would have ideally liked. A year ago I felt like you do and thought I always would. But now we're moving further away from the baby stage I find myself looking forward to the next stage and actually the balance has tipped towards not wanting another. Which I thought would never happen! So I'm here to say there is hope for moving past this. And with two close in age you can give your all to their early childhood without another baby compromising your time and energy. I think the struggles to conceive can do a number on you and sort of inflate the desire for babies. But I think it will lessen with time and you will be content with the family you have. Xxx

I sort of understand, like you I always wanted a big family but my partner is dead set on two. I sometimes feel wistful that I’ll never have another newborn baby to love and nurture but then I think how lucky I am to have two happy and healthy children who are still able to have so much of my time. I don’t know how this would shift with another one in the mix, plus I’m 40 in a couple of weeks and honestly don’t feel like I want to push my chances after two easy and healthy pregnancies both in my late 30s. I know it’s hard but I would just concentrate on giving your two all of your love and time and trying to accept it and be at peace with it.

You’re not being unreasonable as you can’t help how you feel. Like you I had two very close together. In my case only 12 months. We planned to have them close. I was also a STAHM. I wanted a 3rd and my husband was on board, but when it came down to it we decided we had two healthy children. Prior to TTC we knew we wanted children, but a specific number was never discussed. We just went with the flow.

Not necessarily. Prior to getting married we never really discussed having children. It just a natural progression once we were married. Thinking back on it , it was probably a bit of a risk not doing so, but tbh it never really entered our heads.

You’re not a terrible person at all for feeling this way, it’s actually a very natural and human response. Wanting another child doesn’t take anything away from the love and gratitude you have for your daughters, it just means your idea of what your family could look like hasn’t quite aligned with reality, and that can be hard to accept.

It also makes sense that these feelings are coming back now, especially with your girls growing up and seeing others around you having more children. That “what if” feeling can be really powerful, particularly after everything you went through to have your babies in the first place. Your emotions deserve space, they’re valid even if your husband feels differently.

At the same time, your husband’s feelings matter too, and it sounds like he’s quite certain about not wanting more children. It doesn’t make either of you wrong, just different in this moment. What might help is having an open, calm conversation where you share how deeply you feel about this, not to change his mind necessarily, but to feel heard and understood.

Many people go through a quiet kind of grief when closing the chapter on having more children, it’s not often talked about but it’s very real. Over time, focusing on the life you’re building with your daughters and finding joy in the present can help ease that feeling, but it doesn’t mean you have to rush to “get over it.” Give yourself permission to feel it, process it, and be kind to yourself through it.

Would you stop wanting a large family after 3 children? You were taking a risk getting together with someone who didn't want children when you wanted a large family.

You have 2 DD. Concentrate on them. You also have 2 close in age. The youngest might feel slightly out of it if there is a large age gap.

Given that when you got together he didn't want any, you'd presumably decided he was worth not having kids.

Given that he's relented and agreed to have two, I'd stop pushing your luck now if I were you. He's already changed his mind twice to give you what you want, I'd be grateful for what you have.

Unfortunately, I know a few women who "persuaded" their husband to have a/another baby. None of the marriages survived.

You're not unreasonable to feel the way you do op. I completely understand, very similar situation but we had fertility issues second time round too so our kids are 7 and 3. They are the absolute light of our lives and I would dearly love another. However I've had to come to terms with the fact that DH doesn't feel the same. He's a few years older than me and doesn't want to go back to the baby stage and doesn't want to be an "old" dad. Rationally I completely understand his points, emotionally it's much harder.

I'm trying to focus on the benefits of having slightly older kids we can do more things as a family with. We just went on a fairly adventurous 2 week road trip round Canada, the oldest and I share a hobby we both love, the youngest is starting school in September and is developing into such a funny, clever little dude. We do have so much to be grateful for. Doesn't stop me having the odd moment of being sad over the whole thing though.

Seen that happen more often than not

It was a huge risk. What if it had turned out your DH didn’t want children at all?

It can be stressful to be the sole earner in a family (I was at one point). Whilst understanding your desire for more I can really understand your husband wanting to get on and enjoy your family without adding more cost ( and added risk health and happiness wise - as you obviously know too well miscarriages are difficult and sad for every one in the family)

You feel how you feel, OP, but it’s a sadness you’re going to have to live with.

Tbh to some it probably would be seen as a huge risk. Marriage is also a risk even more so for us. Not through choice but we didn’t live together before getting married. We don’t live our lives with what ifs and never have done. When it came to TTC we were of the opinion if it happened it happened and if not so be it.