40th birthday is this too extravagant?!

[Elsiep2]

My friend is having her 40th birthday soon . It started as a plan to go to a gig in a reasonably close city (for an artist I don’t really like but hey it’s not my birthday). But it’s just getting bigger and bigger, she booked an air bnb for 2 nights and has started suggesting takeaways, booking a restaurant etc. She has suggested we split the cost for a mutual friend who isn’t working right now (I don’t disagree with this one but she’s told me she probably won’t be able to come due to health reasons anyway so it’s annoying to have to pay). But it’s looking like its going to cost at least £500 if I go. I can take the money out of savings for it I don’t really want to, it’s much more extravagant than anyone else’s I’ve been to. The only other person which I know likely isn’t going. I don’t want to let the birthday girl down (only 5 people invited) but I don’t think she’s considered the effects on everyone else. She does have form for this type of thing but also i’ve never directly raised my concerns before. I’m feeling stressed and resentful already. I think I need to explain it’s all too much and we need to think again but I don’t want to upset anyone. I’m also not sure if I’m just being a bit tight and I need to suck it up!

£500 is not being a bit tight!! Shes being ridiculous

YANBU - this is far too much to expect most people to pay out for a friend's birthday!

It's fine, lots of people I know have done weekends away/holidays for their 40th.

But it's not ok to expect people to pay for it when they haven't been properly consulted on the cost. There should be no expectation for anyone to join for more than they're comfortable with. If you're only comfortable with the gig then just do that bit. Tell her with plenty of notice though as she may want to invite someone else to share the BnB.

If she’s a good friend can you speak to her one on one and say you are really looking forward to celebrating her birthday, but you’re getting a hit concerned that the costs are spiralling out of control and you’re worried everyone’s going to have to pull out leaving her disappointed and alone for her birthday. Ask of maybe the plan can be looked at again and maybe do a meal/drinks before the gig and then then gig? Or whatever aspects of it you are up for!

If she’s adamant this is what she’s doing, you need to tell het you can’t afford it and maybe ask her which bit is most important to get for you to attend?

Good luck!

God no I’d not be doing that £500’is way too much for me I’m afraid! And I absolutely wouldn’t subsidise anyone else either - that’s not fair on you and if I was that person If I couldn’t afford it I wouldn’t go!

Bonkers. I would definitely tell her its got way out of hand and agree to the gig/meal (on the same day!)

So the £500 includes a share for a friend, who isn’t currently working, but that may not even show-up?

This sounds like madness.

Bonkers. I don’t have a single friend who has celebrated their 40th like this. £500 is so much money.

I don’t think I spent as much as £500 on my own husbands 40th birthday! And we had a fancy night away!

YANBU saying sorry, no.

She is assuming too much from her friends. Maybe a mote reasonable plan is the concert and dinner then come home, or stay overnight one night and come home. Tell her your budget only stretches to £100.
The sooner you tell her the better.

Well, yes. The friend with health problems didn’t ask us to pay but I thought it was a nice idea when I thought I was just paying for half a gig ticket and maybe a few rounds of drinks but now it seems to be escalating!

The gig tickets are £80 alone! But yes I’m wondering if I suggest a smaller version that will suit her….

One of my school friends decided she wanted to go away but was upfront about this around a year before and explained she would
understand that people couldn’t go! But this started small and just kept growing ….

It is too expensive, how come people think it's ok to make these demands of their friends??

Tell the self-indulgent diva that £500 per person to celebrate her birthday (not even your own!) is absolutely bloody ridiculous. She needs to get over herself, good grief. It’s only a birthday.

You could go to the gig but not all the extras.
the only thing to consider is if this bday girl is single and she’d spent a fortune on your hen, wedding hotel, baby shower, christening, childrens parties etc.., then just give her this one and use your savings to give her a special weekend

People can do whatever they like on their birthdays except expect their mates to spend hundreds of pounds.

Bonkers

It's only being extravagant if you can't afford it. Nothing intrinsically wrong with people having a trip away with friends whether it's their birthday or not. If it's getting out of hand you need to tell her, not us.

Tell her you can do the gig but not the rest as it’s too expensive. Don’t pull from your savings. Savings are for you, not to cough up for a friends costly birthday.

Half the threads on Mumsnet could be resolved by someone having a conversation. Just talk to one another, are you 40 or four years old? Honestly millennials are pathetic at times. Grow up.

Why do people struggle to say "I would love to celebrate your birthday with you and am looking forward to the gig, but I can't afford to do anything more than this"?

It isn't shameful to not be able to splash the cash.

Unreasonable to take that amount of money out of savings for this idea. Rein your friend in

Just tell the birthday girl this. She’ll understand.

“No. I budgeted for a night out, not a city break, and I’m not able to commit that much.”