Did you find love (and even kids?) after 40? Feeling hopeless

[Toawond]

I am lucky that I have a wonderful 5 year old child already. Unfortunately the man I thought wanted to spend his life with me in actual fact did not.

I have (I guess like most people) always wanted a relationship and a family unit. Of course I know me and my child are a family but I would love a marriage and another child.

I am 40 in October and it all has started to feel quite hopeless. I do try online dating but I’m pretty indifferent about it. I guess I could do more to try and find someone but I’d love to just meet someone ‘organically’ and it feel right. I suppose that’s luck really isn’t it? Did it happen for you?!

Well, obviously it happens to some people, surely you know that already?

@Hayfever25 yes I’d like to hear about it it to give me some hope!

I was 39 when I met DH and 40 when I had DS; I then had DD two and a half years later, a few weeks before I turned 43

Yep, happened to me. Met via mutual friend, married 9 months later, 1st DC at 42 2nd at 45. Married 27 years now.

@pushontheswings how did you meet if you don’t mind sharing?! Did you feel like all hope was lost? I’m really struggling mindset wise with actually hoping it will happen and then feeling sad as the months pass and nothing changes. In a way I feel it’s safer to resign myself to being single for evermore

@Hadalifeonce this is so lovely!!!! 27 years amazing ❤️

Honestly. Much more likely to meet someone with their own children than to meet and date someone long enough to have another one. It’s hard.

@Bluegreenbird I suppose this thread is going to give a skewed response isn’t it, as I’ve asked for those who did meet someone rather than what happened with anyone post 40

I definitely felt like all hope was lost! I signed up to an online dating site and I didn’t read the small print very well as I thought you paid monthly but it billed me for six months all in one go. So I thought I might as well use it. I got chatting to DH there and at first I thought we didn’t have much in common and was a bit boring (sorry DH) but I went from feeling a bit neutral about him to liking him to caring about him to loving him.

Things did happen very fast and Covid played a part in that. Our children have brought us and so many people a lot of happiness and although it’s been a difficult road in many ways I wouldn’t change a thing.

You should have posted on the Relationships board rather then the cesspit which is AIBU.

If you report your OP, they should move it.

@Hayfever25 thanks

Met my husband when I was 41. We married a few years ago in my early 50s. We grew up 30 miles from each other, have very similar interests, went to the same gigs but we never crossed paths until the early days of Twitter. I'd moved country by then so when we did meet, it was a long distance relationship for a while.

I was 41 when I met my husband online dating. Married at 44. I’d been on my own for 7 years after a 13 year dead end relationship.

Regarding the mindset I was completely happy on my own and just thought a partner would be some nice icing on the cake.

Met my DP when I was 41 and had a 6 year old. Happier than ever.
We met online, but had lots of mutual colleagues

My aunt met her husband at 40! They haven’t ended up having any children together but have been happily married now for 15 years and are two of the most loved up people I have ever seen!

It’s unlikely (but not impossible! ) that you’ll have another child but Loads of people find love after forty and I have to say the people I know that have found love later in life seem to have particularly solid and lovely relationships.

Op we should be friends! I have a three year old who I adore but also really yearn for another one(I think he’d love a baby too) and I’m torn because I’m so scared of bringing a bad man in his life and being abandoned while pregnant again. I only have one night free a week. It’s hard as it’s either child free men who want to be spontaneous and don’t get why I don’t actively pursue hobbies (lol) or it’s nice decent guys who have kids but they usually live further out (I’m in London) and are settled with big kids in school so can’t move, as the nice ones often do 5050 or close, and they tend to not want any more children.
my friend at 40 has met a good guy a year ago who seems like a decent coparent with his child’s mum and has one child and wanted more but sods law my friend already has three so won’t have another with him! So they are out there it’s just lots to sift through to find one and it’s hard to find the energy to do all the sifting. Sienna miller and Paloma faith and Kourtney Kardashians and Ellie Goulding are my inspiration at the moment xx

Not recent at all! but my great grandparents got married in their 40s in about 1918 - both considered very old and obviously wouldn’t think of having children - then they had 3 healthy boys in 3 years. I think my great grandmother was 42-44and my grandfather 48-50 when they had their sons. They absolutely doted on them and were all very happy. My great grandmother lived well into her 90s and was adored by my mother.

Met DH at 41 through OLD. I went back to it after a long break thinking I'd at least get some stories out of it but he was the first date I had. We'd bought a house together within a year, married in 3 and has DS when I was 46. Been together 10 years now.

It was a last go round for me, I'd decided it would be nice to meet the right person but that I'd rather be single and enjoy life than settle. I did Ask the Universe and wrote down absolutely everything I wanted a partner to be and where and how I wanted the relationship to progress, down to really small details. And pretty much got it all too!

Might sound wishy washy, but there's scientific backing to writing down what you want your future to look like because then you start taking action and recognising opportunities that are right for you. I decided if I really wanted to have one more look for a partner I had to look where single available men who wanted relationships were, and that for me was online dating. If you don't want to do that you have to figure out how to make it happen rather than sitting at home waiting for it to happen to you. Ask friends to set you up, start a hobby, class or volunteer at something you enjoy. But first, write down, in massive detail, exactly what that partner, and life with them, is like. Then you'll know him when you meet him! Good luck.

I met my DH via OLD when I was 45, after 2 failed long term relationships. I liked chatting to him but wasnt sure about meeting him as he lived over an hour away. He persuaded me and hey presto! 20 years later we have been together for 20 years and married for 10. He is the absolute love of my life. We both had adult children not living at home and I felt (just a personal feeling, no judgement on anyone who feels differently) that 45 was too old for another child, so it's just us.

I can honestly tell you that meeting him was the best thing I have ever done. Don't give up hope.

Sorry OP, but I think you need to put the child you already have first by not bringing anyone you barely know into their life.
Realistically, if you meet someone, you would need time to get to know them, to trust them and be sure they’re the one, on the same page etc
You would have to really rush things along and that’s just not worth the risk.
Dating is one thing, but the idea that you’re going to meet someone (willing to help raise a child from a previous relationship), ttc and all live together in the space of a few years is naive.
I understand if you just want to indulge the fantasy a bit, but it’s a terrible idea if you actually intend to try do it.

Yes I did find love over 40. Had an absolutely lovely relationship which restored my faith in men after a terrible divorce! Loads of people find love over 40 and a relative has just had her first baby at 42...

I had a child and was separated when I met my now dh when I was 39. I had a baby with him at 40 then another at 45. We are joyously happy and he is the love of my life. I genuinely didn’t know what a proper healthy relationship was until I met him. We have been together 15 years and we have never had a cross word. He’s bloody fabulous.

Of course you can meet someone else if you want to, you are no age at all. But I can understand how it might feel difficult at the moment with a young child and life not having worked out the way you wanted. Just give yourself time. Don't panic. Concentrate on things that you enjoy when you get the chance. Build up your confidence, don't worry about internet dating if it feels too brutal at the moment.