To think it’s not insensitive to say I’ve always prioritised saving?

[ByFairCat]

Me and a friend were talking about money recently and I mentioned that I’ve always prioritised saving, regardless of what salary I’ve been on. Even when it’s been small amounts, I’ve preferred to spend less so I could build some kind of buffer. For me, it’s about the security of knowing I could manage for a while if something went wrong. I also said I understand that not everyone has enough money to save but I don’t always understand spending large amounts on non-essentials if it means having nothing put aside. My friend said I was being insensitive.
I don’t feel like I was judging anyone, I was just explaining how I approach money based on my own experiences.

AIBU to think that’s not insensitive? She’s not spoken to me since and it seems that this has caused the end of our friendship.

I can see how she might have felt criticised by your comment, but that's what happens when you talk to other people: they occasionally say things that can be interpreted like a criticism. Cutting you off because of this says more about her than about you, and she won't be left with many friends if these are her reasons for cutting people off.

You could both get hit by a bus tomorrow. At least your friend has enjoyed life instead of sitting on her money.

Sounds like someone I know, can’t cope not having the latest car/phone/whatever is in fashion. Earns a lot, spends a lot and then cries the poor tale. It’s embarrassing!

The other side of that is that the OP might be comfortable in old age where as the friend might be scraping by on a state pension

It's a savings mindset.

The person saving that small amount of money is more likely to save if they had a larger pot of money.

It's too easy to discount small amounts these days. For me even £10 would be worth saving.

It really can’t become a significant amount invested 😭

yes it could, after 3 years solid saving pay for an urgent home repair. That’s not much of a safety net unless you only have small unexpected bills every 3/4 years, which isn’t realistic for anyone.

i think people think it sounds good to say things like that without stopping to really think how little it would pay for.
and yes if you’d rather enjoy a pint with friends once a month I think that’s a perfectly legitimate use of £10 vs saving it for the sake of it

Not insensitive op.

I've always prioritised saving too - even when I was on the bones of my arse after my divorce and I wasn't saving for anything special, just put some cash away each month towards car insurance/tax or Christmas and birthdays rather than being utterly skint or panicking about paying bills a few times a year (though my more affluent colleagues still have a surprise every January, odd that...).

I don't have a credit card and I've only ever had a mortgage on a home that is within my means. Unless you've been bragging I reckon your friend has secret debt or expenses she can't afford.

They must be hiding their savings from DWP then, as you're not entitled to any UC if you've got more than 16k. Smaller amounts reduce entitlement.

we didn't have an ongoing issue either?

It was just genuinely a puzzle to me that she got so upset when people talked about retirement she's known I wanted to retire early for ages

She also knows that while I love her cashmere coats and all, it's not money I would ever spend because it goes in my retirement fund

So it was a real shock when she suddenly got all shouting and a bit tearful when my brother said he was retiring

Goodness knows what she'll say when I officially do it - not working currently

it came completely out of the blue. All this time, I thought she must be saving something. I just assumed because she was earning so well we met at work. And she's inherited. She never had any debt apart from the mortgage. Since going mortgage free it looks like all that money has just been spent.

I don’t think what you’ve said is insensitive at all. However it sounds like it landed badly and that will be to do with her not you. Sometimes things we say / do are the equivalent of holding a mirror up to other people and they don’t always like what they see!

I think the comment that you don't understand people who spend large amounts on non-essentials if it means having nothing put aside is judgmental. It isn't just saying that you prefer to save, it's saying that you think other people should too. Especially if she had just told you that she sees life as for living or something and so spends while the going is good, then it was a somewhat insensitive thing to say and certainly indicates some disapproval of her choices.

But it's a mild way of expressing it and a friend who can't cope with that sort of expression of differences in values is probably either secretly a bit worried about her own choices or just going to be hard work generally.

People are fools and dont like it pointed out

They have a " you got lucky" attitude becausae they lack the discipline to say No to themselves
Its emotional immaturity and then they love to hang the blame on someone else

You can be on the same wage
Some spend every penny on tat
Others dont

@RawBloomers "It isn't just saying that you prefer to save, it's saying that you think other people should too."

well, yeah
Why is it so strange? People have got to save money at some point, haven't they? Otherwise, where is the money for a rainy day?

But why would it be less insensitive to say ‘life is for living’? That’s also a value judgement.

Unless the friend had told the OP that she was in financial difficulty or had no savings, it’s not insensitive. It’s a personal opinion and if people don’t like other people’s points of view, they’re limiting their friendship pool and opportunities to think about things differently - it’s her loss, not the OPs.

The issue isn’t that OP expressed her values, it’s that she expressed (mild) disapproval of alternative perspectives.

“Life is for living” is a statement about your priorities not a criticism of different ones, a statement like “life is better with a safety net” would be similar in the opposing side. But OP said “I don’t understand people who [spend on luxuries and don’t save]” which is disingenuous, because unless she has significant intellectual issues, of course she understands it. She knows that they do it because they put greater priority on the here and now and either think it’s worth the risk, expect things to work out, or intend to rely on others if it doesn’t. It’s not beyond anyone of normal but modest intelligence to grasp that. What is meant by “I don’t understand...” is “I don’t think people should…”. Which is judgmental (a judgement I have some sympathy with, but that doesn’t stop it being judgmental). And expressing that judgment to someone who has told you they think that way (if her friend did) is particularly tactless/insensitive.

I share the feeling but it’s still judgmental and voicing a criticism to say it to someone who doesn’t save. Like I said, it’s a very mild way of voicing it and I suspect the friend is upset by it because she sees some truth in it.

Why is spending money "living life" any more than saving is?

She’s got her own issues and blaming them on you. I have a friend who earns a lot of money but gets annoyed because she pisses money away and then wonders why she doesn’t have savings and investments. Actions. Consequence.