To think it’s not insensitive to say I’ve always prioritised saving?

[ByFairCat]

Me and a friend were talking about money recently and I mentioned that I’ve always prioritised saving, regardless of what salary I’ve been on. Even when it’s been small amounts, I’ve preferred to spend less so I could build some kind of buffer. For me, it’s about the security of knowing I could manage for a while if something went wrong. I also said I understand that not everyone has enough money to save but I don’t always understand spending large amounts on non-essentials if it means having nothing put aside. My friend said I was being insensitive.
I don’t feel like I was judging anyone, I was just explaining how I approach money based on my own experiences.

AIBU to think that’s not insensitive? She’s not spoken to me since and it seems that this has caused the end of our friendship.

I suspect there is some context missing here…

Had your friend just shared that she was unable to afford a massive bill or had gone into debt or something?

No that in itself doesn’t sound like you were being insensitive, but it’s all about context! Is your friend on a low income and concerned about it? Did you come across as lecturing them on how great you are at handling money?

Well if it's caused the end of your friendship, you've either left out a shit ton of info, or you were never friends to begin with.

When you said you don’t understand others people’s decisions, that was a judgement

What you said and what you do are both perfectly reasonable. And neither are insensitive.

Insensitive would have been telling her that you like to buy a wrap of cocaine on the last Friday night before pay day with any spare cash. Or you have an account at the bookies and think betting is more fun than saving, or that you overspend your income every month and have a huge credit card debt as a result. Any of which could be triggering and insensitive.

No, nothing like that. It was just a general conversation about money and how we each approach it. I wasn’t responding to her being in difficulty or anything like that.

what a nightmare

My best friend is acting funny about money

I've known her for 30 years

Makes very good money, spend it all

Now getting very upset that other people have retirement plans. She could've had exactly the same plans. She thought it was more important to spend £400 on the suitcase that she was taking on her very expensive holiday.

I don't understand it either, but I learned very quickly, after an emotional outburst from her at dinner with my family, that we should never speak of it

If she wants to say she can't afford to retire - which is technically true because she spent all her money - then we just have to listen sympathetically otherwise the friendship will be over

Is there no way you can get your friendship back? What a sad thing to happen

It is a bit smug...on its own it's not a big deal but if you are habitually smug then that isn't fun to be around and your friend might have just had enough.

I'm not saying you are. I'm just suggesting a possible explanation based your limited details

I agree that context is very important.
I personally have s sceptical approach based on personal experience, as two members of my family with the biggest savings pots are both single parents who rely on UC and significant support from the family. They also „prioritise savings” while pleading single-parents poverty on any possible occasion and openly asking for support from the family eg expensive Christmas or birthday presents or subsidising travel. I only found out last year that one of them has bigger amount in savings than I do and she is considered the „poor one”.

In general though saving money is encouraged and if people can do it without placing burden on others (including the state) than yes absolutely go for it.

It was just a general conversation about money and saving habits, nothing specific had happened.

Thing is what you’re saying is you always prioritised saving even if it was only say £10 a month.

but it’s not worth saving £10 a month - it won’t give you any security- so it seems a disingenuous add to the conversation. You know you’ve always had enough spare to save a decent amount. That’s not prioritising really, that’s just having spare money

I see what you mean but it’s not quite the same situation, there hasn’t been an ongoing issue around money between us. It was just that one conversation, which is why I was surprised by the reaction and started questioning whether I’d come across as insensitive.

Did she ask? I think insensitive is perhaps the wrong word - realistically it's a topic that is sensitive to her and therefore has hit a nerve. If I were in a conversation with someone who was telling me that they, say, had no savings or hadn't felt they'd been in a position to save then I don't think it would feel overly necessary to chip in and say that I've always prioritised them because that's essentially the sensible thing to do. It draws a negative comparison to their circumstances whether you meant to put them down or not. Even if it wasn't on topic it arguably comes across a bit smug to anyone who hasn't been in the same position.

I don't know OP, obviously it has hurt her feelings. I would apologise to a good friend for that whether or not I felt I'd intentionally done anything wrong. People struggle with money for a variety of reasons - upbringing, mental health, neurodivergence. It's not always a simple case of being the one who prioritised it or saved out of preference.

It costs a lot more than a £400 suitcase and an expensive holiday to retire though?!

I do take that on board and I can see how it might have come across that way even though it wasn’t my intention. It wasn’t said in response to her struggling or anything like that, it was just part of a general conversation about money. But I can understand that it could still feel like a comparison, which is probably where the reaction came from.

She seems unreasonable for not having spoken to you since. She clearly has things going on which you aren’t aware of. You were just explaining your situation and your views about your life. It would be different if she’d just told you she was in debt and you were mentioning it, that would be insensitive

It’s not insensitive. The 10% rule is recommended at all income levels, isn’t it?

I feel the same as you. Saving £10 when that is all you have is about having a saving mindset.

I’m very like you in that I’ve always saved even when we’ve had very little money. I have some relatives and friends who’ve never saved, always had new clothes, holidays abroad etc so have found life difficult sometimes. I’d never say to those people what you said because I know they haven’t prioritised saving and it would come across badly.
Do you think your friend has not prioritised spending?

Who introduced the money topic?

Talking about money is risky in general as you've no idea what's happening for other people.

I wonder if it was a 'check your privilege' situation?

Thing is you can talk about money and not seem insensitive, or you can talk about money and seem insensitive - it's so difficult to judge without hearing the tone!

What?