‘Joint’ bank account

[TheProudSeal]

Sadly waking up to the fact I am in an unhealthy marriage - few things have happened past few weeks and it is becoming apparent his selfishness and lack of care for me is unrepairable. I feel trapped, hopeless, demoralised and most of all stupid that I have let myself get into this situation.

I wanted a sense check about the part of our marriage which I have always felt was odd.

When we first got married we opened a ‘joint’ bank account - it was agreed that both of our wages would get paid into this and it would be an open ‘pot’. I would pay the bills, cleaner and shopping and he would pay the mortgage. Anyway, it was only ever my wage which got organised to get paid in. So he has had access to my wage for a few years. He never got around to getting his employer to put his into the ‘joint’ account. He has at times transferred 5k, 10k of mines without asking me first to another account of his. When I notice I ask him to put it back which he does. I still do not know why he was doing that with the money. I have paid for every item for the kids. I honestly cannot think of a single thing he has bought except the odd snack when out.

Anyway, this morning I decided to ask my employer to start paying my wage into my own account which only I can have formal access to and I moved the remaining money from the ‘joint’ account back to me.

I think I already know the responses but this was/is weird isn’t it? I don’t even know if its controlling, it just seems strange.

I do recommend a 3 account system (2 personal plus a joint account to live from) to most people as protection, not the personal accounts are a single parties money but because it gives them access to cash should they need. The first thing my ex bil did when my sister threw him out was empty their joint account. It left her without any cash until she got paid. She opened a personal account and got her wage paid into there and moved money into the joint account for bills although he then continued to spaff that money up the wall and the account was significantly overdrawn when they did come to finalise the divorce.

The money in your personal account might be still an marital asset where it is half yours and half theirs but if the other party doesn't have access to spend it you at least come away with half of something rather than potentially half of nothing.

The other thing the personal account can do is give you privacy to start setting up to leave. My sisters husband watched every transaction. She wanted to start a running away plan but was struggling. I bought her a safe to keep at my parents and she moved the important documents and possessions into that safe. She started getting £5-10 cash back with the weekly shop, just enough to not be obvious if he compared amounts to previous shops. This money was an absolute lifeline in the early days of the separation.

How do I get this without him knowing though? I have no idea whatsoever of the extent of his savings, mortgage amount, I know he has a pension - it is less than mines. That is the extent of what I know.

I do not know if I wrote on earlier post as my head is in a haze but he went through my phone earlier in the week and read messages between me and my Dad about how awful things were at home, he has been the only person I reached out to and told 🥺 I was so hurt. I have changed my phone password since and he keeps bringing up he cannot get access to my phone as the password is changed.

Fair enough …but when I entered my marriage I took vowels of “death do us part ” so escape funding wasn’t on my radar!

we both paid into joint, everything, then we both had a personal “allowance” account in our own names, the amount in there was are “want” money, rather than “need” money (that was in joint) . Worked well for us, till he developed mental illness in last years of 30 year marriage, and became abusive.

if it goes into your own accounts, how do you know one party isn’t being truthful re pay rises, pension contributions, debt etc …seems it is far more likely to allow covering for financial abuse, as is case here

plus in those arrangements, where you can’t see each others income, Almost always then woman pays for much larger portion of kiddies costs cos dh doesn’t “see” the things that kids or she needs. Even if his intent is fairness.

Does he have no printed paperwork of statements? Even names and numbers of bank accounts he has- most banks send some setting up paperwork ….pensions usually send paperwork form time to time

do NOT on any account, go into his passwords or online stuff. That’s a crime and looks very bad once you discuss with solicitors, puts them in difficult position.

if you can just find out name and account number/sort codes of all his banks, investments, or pensions etc…get as much as you can. If you can’t get it , it is then down to the declaration . He has to declare everything, if you suspect he isn’t you need solicitor at that point. Definately.

if he is up for doing declaration without kicking and screaming, you need to do togther with evidence- you need to see statements, valuations etc. pension valuations can take a long time annoying to get from pension providers. You/solicitor need to see all evidence of how much.

getting as much info on where his assets are held is half the battle. Do what you can. Legally.

He's not the brightest is he. Trying to take large sums of money out of your account that you'll notice and then telling you he wants to access your phone. No stealth skills there!

I feel so trapped and helpless

Because we have complete oversight of all of the accounts we have between the two of us. Literally every penny with have as a couple is logged on a spreadsheet. We help each other with managing it, new tax year so we have both gone through best accounts and I found the ISAs to put our money into my partner found an investment firm to look at and we have both set up stock and shares isas with them. Currently I'm not working, so actually a good chunk of money saved from his income is currently in my name as he has £500 cap on interest he can earn before paying tax on interest and I don't.

I have been with my partner for 20 years since we were 18. We have grown into adults together and our lives are totally entwined. He is the other half of me, he is the first person I want to tell when I have had a good day or a bad day and he does the same to me. I can't see myself needing to leave ever. That said, both my mum and sister found themselves in financially abusive relationships and as wonderful as my relationship has been for the last two decades. I value that freedom of knowing should I need to I have access to funds that would give me a train ticket to another town and a hotel for the night

You’re not trapped and helpless although I know it feels like this just now.

Take a deep breath.

now start to plan what you need to do. Tray and find all the account numbers of all accounts he has or anything that might count for what he does with his money.

never unlock your phone with your password if there is a chance he is looking over your shoulder.

as a PP said keep all documents at your dads and also notes of what you need to do. Make phone calls concerning all this away from the house in case he is listening. Make sure your phone doesn’t have an app that has a keylogger.

Start with looking at all post/letters/paperwork. You need a cast iron password on your phone and make sure you're not logged in/backed up to other devices or cloud. Take photos of any documents you can find. Email them to yourself using a new email address you have created only for this purpose. If he got into your phone and read your messages to your dad, then it sounds like he's not just financially controlling. Does he track your phone or car location? You have so much to get your head around. You can take some time to do these things. If your need some space, say you have D & V and feel rubbish. Let him think you've "calmed down" and things have blown over.

I’m not saying you do or don’t need a solicitor but it can be tough doing it by yourself. Especially if he hires a divorce solicitor who will be aggressive in going after what they can eg half of your pension. You need to be in a really strong mindset. Will you separate? Stay with your dad if you do? Just pointers here. My mum had a horrific divorce but ended up with the house and no contact with us children for her ex-H. Was a long time ago though.

I forgot to say that if there are piles of paperwork, take photos before you start rifling through so you can make sure it looks the same afterwards. Is there a filing cabinet? Do you have a key? As he's clearly a slippery fucker, it may well all be online accounts, of course.

Have you checked the links I posted earlier?

read up, educate yourself - and see a competent family solicitor.

One step at a time….. you can do this!

Have conversation with your dad on the phone or in person.

Try and act as if divorce is the last thing on your mind if you can. He already knows you are unhappy and have changed a password. You don’t want him being even more secretive than usual.

Sounds good!

Can not add to the good advice already given, but can say you should not feel you are stupid. This kind of thing can happen to anyone under the wrong circumstances. Selfish and manipulative people are good at what they do. They have a lifetime of experience to draw on. It's no reflection on you.