‘Joint’ bank account

[TheProudSeal]

Sadly waking up to the fact I am in an unhealthy marriage - few things have happened past few weeks and it is becoming apparent his selfishness and lack of care for me is unrepairable. I feel trapped, hopeless, demoralised and most of all stupid that I have let myself get into this situation.

I wanted a sense check about the part of our marriage which I have always felt was odd.

When we first got married we opened a ‘joint’ bank account - it was agreed that both of our wages would get paid into this and it would be an open ‘pot’. I would pay the bills, cleaner and shopping and he would pay the mortgage. Anyway, it was only ever my wage which got organised to get paid in. So he has had access to my wage for a few years. He never got around to getting his employer to put his into the ‘joint’ account. He has at times transferred 5k, 10k of mines without asking me first to another account of his. When I notice I ask him to put it back which he does. I still do not know why he was doing that with the money. I have paid for every item for the kids. I honestly cannot think of a single thing he has bought except the odd snack when out.

Anyway, this morning I decided to ask my employer to start paying my wage into my own account which only I can have formal access to and I moved the remaining money from the ‘joint’ account back to me.

I think I already know the responses but this was/is weird isn’t it? I don’t even know if its controlling, it just seems strange.

With any luck the "joint" money he has withdrawn may have gone to overpaying the mortgage and if so perhaps you might be able to use that to demonstrate an even stronger financial interest?

I really hope things work out for u,. He sounds like a horrible nasty person

He did say something about using it to off set a mortgage the first time he done it - but I cannot see how it would make any difference as I mentioned if fairly quickly (I think within hours - I check my online banking frequently) and he put it back?

After we got married he did keep asking me if I died would he get anything - like life insurance. He wanted to know this incase I died on the honeymoon? As I am typing it out you honestly cannot make up how stupid I have been.

Of course, it’s bloody weird. I would have done this on month 2 when he didn’t contribute the first time.

I don’t like this whole one pot business. I don’t want dh having access to all my money or knowing what I spend on. Nor do I want access to all his money and to know what he spends his personal money on. My money is my money. We contribute equitably to a joint account from which we pay our bills, but our income is always paid into personal accounts because it’s not joint money. I say this even though Dh is absolutely lovely and trustworthy and takes very good care of us financially.

You obviously know you’ve been taken advantage of, so well done for doing something about it. I’d remove your name from any accounts or credit cards, so he can not run up debt in your name.

Definitely need legal advice lovely but I’m sure as you’re married you’ll be entitled to something 🤞🏻

I have just emailed a divorce solicitor locally so hopefully will have a clearly picture soon

Yes, you have children and are married, and you need a solicitor....if there will be a divorce, you will get a decent amount to be able to house yourselves and the children. I am not a solicitor

I know id carry out a credit check on him !!! On clear score .

Can you do a credit check on another person?

I have done it this way...as am foreign and had live in volunteering role when met my future husband who is local to the UK, I was honest about my situation...he still took me in and we married eventually. I had a brief retail job but kept the salary. He was paying for everything from his own salary. I had a baby immediately after the marriage and have 0 income for 8 years due to her health issues but he just would buy what I need and sometimes want. I knew exactly always his hours, he is self employed and his income. Income in his field is publicly known. So no shared pot, no nothing....

I restarted some entry level jobs few years ago and still no joint account or anything. Cost of living crisis ate up his financial capability and I started transferring him money to cover his shortages and save the rest.

We are genuinely a teamwork for now. I told him I am the woman and have the child, historically I am the one who needs to be financially stable just in case he dies before me. I can be only with a man who has this attitude to family and children. A woman bears the kids, a man works and prepares everything for her and the kids just in case he goes before her. I wish all women to have this self preserving attitude...

I think the 'one pot' thing is old fashioned now women have their own earnings. A partner doesn't need to know you spent £5 on sweets for a train journey etcetc. Nor do i need to know about the latest bike accessory etc etc . You have to maintain some privacy!

Dear God, that is appalling. I’m trying to imagine that conversation on your honeymoon.

See a solicitor now - try to get a recommendation if you can. You’re married with kids. He’s tried to stitch you up, but if you’ve been paying all the bills and he’s just covered the mortgage you should be in a decent position. I wouldn’t agree to mediation, I’d get a bloody good lawyer.

How long have you been cohabiting, how long have you been together, how old are your kids. This is all important. Just becuase you haven't been married long does not mean you won't be entitled to much. You ARE married. He would have to argue to reduce your share due to shortness of marriage. But if this is in cases where one party brought all the wealth, the relationship has been very short and little contribution has been made by the other party.

This is not the situation you are in. You have made considerable contribution to your marriage and your children show a significant combining of your resources and commitment. You are entitled to at least half the house, whether the mortgsge payment went form his account or not.

You're doing the right thing

Go to divorce talk board. At top is a link to advice now. Go to their site and download their “diy” guides to divorce.

read. Read more. Understand

1. you need to understand the 8 or so criteria for “fair settlement “ and how they apply to your situation. This is the law. All divorce settlements, even with consent orders, need to meet “courts” requirements for fair settlement based on each case.
2. know that financial settlements do not start with 50:50 contrary to what a lot of MNposters say. Fair settllement is always the starting and ending point. But courts like 50:50, true. In a lot of cases 50:50 is not going to be possible with limited assets.
3. ”Fair settllent” is about ensuring the governemnt is protected against risk of one person after divorce, or kids, becoming reliant on benefits, even small amounts. Aint always possible to avoid it, but that is why there is this law. Judges who defined law called it “the law of shared misery”!
4. “fair settllement” is not and never is based on past behaviour. No matter if one party is abusive. The behaviour has to meet a “gasp” test by a judge for it to even be consented. And that is extreme and rare.
5. pyou will, post divorce, BOTH be worse off. You can use a solicitor to blow through even more money each, or recognise this from outset, park anger, and work on consent order at least legal cost, and shortest time possible. It is extremely hard to accept you will be worse off if you feel the other party hasn’t behaved fairly financially- but that is what marriage and divorce is all about financially.
6. you need to know how to gather information on both of your financial declarations. What is included as marital asset and what isn’t . Do not agree or presume anything till you have both done this and signed legally. Hiding asset is a criminal offence. (Forms E and D81). Don’t v n discuss money settllents until he’s signed his legal declaration.
7. You need to understand how child custody arrangements will impact financial settlements before you agree or even discuss money
8. understand the processes, how financial, child custody and divorce petition itself (3 seperate processes) link togther

even if you chose not to divorce, it helps you understand your rights. It may help him understand what rights he doesn’t have if you decide to stay together.

do this BEFORE you go to solicitor, or they’ll spend an hour or more of their time tlaking you through something you can read for yourself in very general terms. Go to solicitor with specific questions based on this , specific to your particular circumstances. Remember the free 30 mins they offer is general and a sales pitch- they’ll tell you stuff you want to hear, they’ll listen to you waffling on and then they’ll pitch. Be smart- spend their free 30 mins on spepcifc questions relating to what you’ve read.

I did my divorce with ADVICE NOW guides. Petitioned on grounds of unreasonable behaviour in 2021, due to him abusing me. 30 plus years of marriage and abuse, including financial abuse . You can navigate a financial settlement so much better, cheaper and quicker, if you take a bit of time to learn processes yourself and don’t just shove it over to a solicitor, like most people do and wonder why their divorce takes 2 years and £10k each. It is unnecessary, in all lot of cases.

already on it hopefully they will call me this afternoon - I am so deflated and exhausted. Its as if my nervous system has been on adrenaline past 4-5 weeks and now I just given up and have accepted my fate that I have no other choice but to seek legal advice and start the ball rolling. I am EXHAUSTED - can barely keep my eyes open. I wonder if my nervous system/body knows now its over and I can relax a bit.

If you are married/civil partnership , your money is not your money, and his money is also yours.
if you divorce, both your assets, including everything , are considered marital assets. And part of the financial settlement. Including property, chattels, pensions, investments, business interests.

the point of marriage, financially, is that you benefit financially. Tax can be beneficial, but you each own 100% of your joint assets. Like moving investments between you, taking advantage of one lower rate tax payer,. However, more subtly, it also gives huge financial security if one of you enters into a “poorer””sicker” place like redundancy, long term sickness etc.
All our benefits systems are based on this and always were, before partnerships were, to adhere that you are operating as a single financial entity. HMRC only charged rules relatively recently, in my lifetime to taxing seperately- and only so they could stop some taxation advantages for married people 🤷‍♀️ though they say it was to give women autonomy 🤣🤣🤣

when divorcing, one of biggest losses is that you go from owning 100% of joint assets which you both have a say in (or should legally) to now owning just 50% or less. Even that is a shock. It’s the difference between the 4 bed house you say and had equal input into in terms of decisions, and 2 bed flat you can both afford separately. That’s the “shared misery” principle of divorce law.

sure, if you are like the control, then keep your accounts separate to pay wage into it. What works for you etc. but to say “my money is my money” once you are in a legal marriage or legal civil partnership is incorrect. In event of divorce your stbex has equal claim to everything you own or have worked for.

I agree marital assests should be shared especially to protect women who usually keep the children living with them.
But day to day money a person earns is not automatically his, a husband can't find a way to get into his wife's account and take her salary for himself and vica versa

i have a much bigger pension than him - I could be sick. Its worth 500k

Tell him you are closing the joint account - as its not joint and he obviously prefers to each have own account.

This is amazing thank you so much - in my haze I will have to read it several times to digest. I have managed to get a face to face appointment with a solicitor in May to discuss everything

ADVICE NOW will also tell you when you should use solicitor ( tasks) , when you absolutely shouldn’t ( petition - you do NOT need solicitor the uk gov has worked hard to make it dead easy) and when you might want to use solicitor.
very useful in itself. We just did the “where should use solicitor “ gave them the specific task we wanted them to do

Remember, and repeat this to yourself as many times as you need, abuse does not begin and end with violence.

Get your ducks in a row and sort things out with a solicitor on the quiet. Until you are financially separated any debt or finances are counted as jointed. I wouldn't be surprised if he started racking up debts whilst you separate. My sister had an abusive husband and he played nastier post separation than he did during the marriage. He took advantage of her being away for the day to throw her out of the house they jointly owned. Thankfully she was able to move into my parents otherwise she would have been homeless with a 3 year old. He then stopped paying all of the bills and credit cards. He started smoking in the house that then made it stink and was harder to sell and made all the nursery furniture pretty impossible to sell as it was now from a smokers home. They pretty much have it away. To finalise the divorce she ended up paying off the debts to stop the process going on for longer.

I know another person going through a difficult divorce. Her ex is racking up so much debt at the moment and delaying the divorce and division of assets so he can continue spending her money and to stop her moving on. She's in a profession where she can't be made bankrupt so he knows that when it comes to it she will pay it off just so she is able to get rid of him.

Do not expect a person that is unreasonable in marriage to become reasonable in divorce!

Yep, I earnt and had bigger pension. It’s very hard pull to swallow and will take you time to absorb it
Courts will do pension sharing arrangements- depends on type of pensions. You can possible off set here assets against the pension yo bc avoid pension sharing agreements if parties agree.

but yep, it’s very hard on party who appears to have more assets in their name. 😡😢😤It took me 12 weeks or so before I said I wanted to divorce trying to get my head around what it would mean in practice in terms of future life. I had to really visualise my future going into 5 or 10 years to be ready to make the break . Being able to visualise where I’d be living, my social life, etc etc made the difference do it

You are not fucked. How long were you together before marriage? You don't have to say here, but if it was a long relationship/short marriage, the long relationship will be considered in the division of assets. Does he also have a significant pension pot? Are there any other assets? I'm glad you've booked a solicitor. You will need this to get yourself organised. Planning is everything when dealing with someone like him. In the meantime try and discreetly get evidence of any and all accounts and assets.

@Limehawkmoth has given you some good advice. You need legal advice, but this can get VERY expensive very quickly. Here are some useful resources for your homework:

• Wikivorce
• Divorce for Dummies
• family solicitor websites

But before you do anything else. Get as much evidence of his financial affairs as possible.