‘Joint’ bank account

[TheProudSeal]

Sadly waking up to the fact I am in an unhealthy marriage - few things have happened past few weeks and it is becoming apparent his selfishness and lack of care for me is unrepairable. I feel trapped, hopeless, demoralised and most of all stupid that I have let myself get into this situation.

I wanted a sense check about the part of our marriage which I have always felt was odd.

When we first got married we opened a ‘joint’ bank account - it was agreed that both of our wages would get paid into this and it would be an open ‘pot’. I would pay the bills, cleaner and shopping and he would pay the mortgage. Anyway, it was only ever my wage which got organised to get paid in. So he has had access to my wage for a few years. He never got around to getting his employer to put his into the ‘joint’ account. He has at times transferred 5k, 10k of mines without asking me first to another account of his. When I notice I ask him to put it back which he does. I still do not know why he was doing that with the money. I have paid for every item for the kids. I honestly cannot think of a single thing he has bought except the odd snack when out.

Anyway, this morning I decided to ask my employer to start paying my wage into my own account which only I can have formal access to and I moved the remaining money from the ‘joint’ account back to me.

I think I already know the responses but this was/is weird isn’t it? I don’t even know if its controlling, it just seems strange.

Financial abuse. He’s effectively tried to steal from you multiple times, and wants free access to your money, but provides no access to his own.

How do you know that there haven’t been times he’s taken your money but you’ve not noticed?

Well done for making the change so your money is your own.

It isn’t weird, you know exactly what he is doing and why.

on him “paying” the mortgage, you are contributing to household expenses, but you seem to have divided the split so he is putting his share of household expenses into an asset where as yours are consumed. Are you on the house deeds or mortgage?

we need more details here, but he looks like he has stitched you up. He may say “he never got round to”, actually he has created a system that works entirely in his favour.

I am fairly switched on with whats going in and out my bank account (although not switched on enough to know I have been financially abused 🥺) and there definately has not been anything else coming out. It is such large amounts he has transferred at a time that its fairly obvious.

I am on neither as the house was his when I moved in. I am completely fucked aren’t I.

How long have you been married?

Just under two years.

Well he has divided household expenses so you pick up his share of things, whilst ensuring his house is protected. I think you need to stop talking in terms you pay cleaner and he pays house. They are all household expenses.

He knows exactly what he has done.

Id speak to a solicitor now. Even if you decide against that route, start to understand how exposed you are.

You are married so that's good, you will have matrimonial rights to the house. Your marriage is fairly short but you have kids (together?) So you'll be entitled to some sort of share.l particularly if the kids will reside mainly with you.

Quite right to have your wages paid to your personal account if he does.

It does sound like financial control and that you want out of the marriage and fair enough. The bit about he pays the mortgage and you pay the bills sounds ok-ish (depending on the sums including your respective earnings). But it does not sound right at all that he doesn't pay a penny for anything for the children aside from the roof over their heads. Does he think they are your sole responsibility because they came out of your body or something? Sadly I think a lot of men have that attitude.

Would you actually be better off if you divorced, got a share of the house equity and he paid child maintenance? If so it's an absolute no brainer, though you sound like you want out anyway. The lack of communication sounds so ... odd. Taking large sums of money out of the JA without saying anything or explaining and silently putting it back when challenged. What a strange man.

This is financial abuse and I had this with my ex. Both of our wages went into the joint account to cover bills and we both withdrew an amount each for personal spends, but it was always short at the end of the month if we needed to pay an unexpected bill or if the children needed anything. I found myself topping it up with money that I had withdrawn that was meant to be for my personal spending to make ends meet. I sat down with the statement and realised that my ex was blowing his entire wage on clothes shopping, going out and multiple cash withdrawals, and my wage and the family allowance was having to stretch to cover all of the bills plus anything the children needed. When I confronted him about it, he got angry and said that his wage was HIS money to spend how he saw fit, and I should be providing for the children because I was “The Mum”. I realised that I was essentially already a single parent in that marriage and I left taking the kids with me. He is in his early 50s and still a selfish git- and his now adult kids have nothing to do with him after a childhood of him putting himself first whilst we struggled along financially.

We have a joint account for living costs and I couldn't ever imagine one of us just randomly removing money from it.

We decide regularly how much each person puts into it at the moment I pay nothing and my partner pays everything as I'm a stay at home parent after being made redundant but previously it has been around 50:50. He didn't have to ask payroll to change the account they pay him into. You can set up a standing order in about 5 minutes to move money into the joint account each month. This how we manage ours. 1st of every month our proportional living costs get moved into the joint account.

There are so many red flags going on. Start getting your ducks in a row, speak to a solicitor and an organisation such as woman's aid to work out your next steps.

If you cohabited before marriage then this will be taken into account for the "length of marriage" in divorce. Plus you have kids to raise.

Does he know you're taking your money back into your own control and leaving yet?

You have a limited window to gather info, docs etc before he finds out and turns nasty.

My Dad advised me same at the weekend - that and speaking to womans aid

Very odd - I stuck my head in the sand in all honesty; past few weeks have highlighted things I can no longer ignore and everything about our relationship which has been odd has come to the forefront of my mind. I was stupid and in denial. I did not want to have ‘failed’ at another relationship, but here we are.

No I havent said anything - if he asks I will completely play it down until I have spoken to a solicitor. I honestly cannot believe this is happening to me.

I'd suggest he's been very careful and you need to line up your ducks quietly and quickly legally while getting hold of as much financial info as possible.

Do you even know the size of the remaining mortgage?

Taking large sums in a hurry suggests he's been borrowing and needs to clear a loan before taking out another. I suspect he is hiding all sorts and since you are covering all bills and he presumably covered his own mortgage beforehand, he's profiting from your marriage.

See a solicitor before having it out with him.

I feel very much like a single parent, it is easier when he us not here in all honesty.

God this makes me feel sick

Well done for taking action.

Yes this is abuse but also in a healthy marriage you would have felt able to insist he gets around to putting his wage in or if he's forgotten to change the account it's paid into he'd just transfer it. It's very telling that you haven't felt able to have that conversation.

I actually genuinely haven't got around to changing the account my wages get paid into so just transfer it each month. If I forgot one month my husband would just remind me and I'd do it then.

Best of luck for the next tricky steps, you will be better off in the long run.

Don’t judge yourself too harshly. Many of us have been there. Partners who are going to hide things are often very clever. Yours doesn’t seem to have gotten away with much, which is good. You have been on the ball and clear sighted. And having “failed” relationships unfortunately is a sign of our times. My grandparents were married for 72 years but I’ve been married 3 times. (I am a widow now, so I don’t know if it counts as a failure. 😁)

Sounds like your Dad has your back which is great. Can he house you if it all got very difficult? It might be sensible to collect key docs, birth certs, passports personal documents etc and leave them in a bag with him. Anything special you would want if you left in a hurry like baby photos.

You don't sound like you find your husband threatening but your later comments about life being easier when he is not around and your Dad suggesting Women's Aid make me think that there's more than financial abuse? Would that be true?

Good on you for taking a stand!
Hubs and I have our wages paid into our own accounts then we both transfer money to a joint account for food and joint activities and I transfer my share of the bills (pro rata’d as he earns significantly more than me) to him as they’re all in his name as he had the house before we married. We have a joint spreadsheet so we both know what bills there are and how much.

I don’t think you’re fucked as you’re married so you will be entitled to your share of the property.

you aren't fucked. The house is a marital asset. Sadly he is not married for real to you in his heart and this is the problem

I think theres more to the story than this one piece, theres been a few key moments one of which is very obviously abuse but would be outing as its an unusual story.

Fundamentally everything is always about him, he is so unbelievably selfish. Our wedding was all about him and his family, even my engagement ring was nothing to do with me and everything to do with how it appeared to others. He only thinks of himself and how it appears to others.

Abuse, as it tends to, worsened in pregnancy and postpartum. I drove myself to hospital to have my baby and I begged him to stay with me after delivery, didn’t citing other things are more important. Another example was our wedding - I was not interested in a big expensive wedding - he was. I ended up organising it all stressed out my fucking tree, and he was away with friends golfing in the last days or so whilst I was dealing with seating arrangements, family members cancelling - the usual. Somehow I ended up paying half of a wedding (a fortune) which I did not enjoy or even want. I cannot even understand how I agreed or got involved - it was all manipulation from him and his family. He asked for the money I ‘owed’ him the day after our wedding. I mean I did know this was weird but I had just got married and did not want to admit it to myself. Typing all this out makes me realise how bad it all has been.

I do not think I have been married long enough to get much financially though - does the fact we have children together make it more likely I will? I need to speak to a solicitor