To be fed up being landed with my little brother all the time?

[knackeredagain24]

i dont even know if im being harsh or not tbh but im really annoyed today

my mum has just dropped my little brother (he’s 3) on me again with barely any notice, like a text this morning saying can i have him then just turns up anyway. ive got my own dc to sort out and its not like im sat doing nothing

bit of background, i mostly lived with my dad growing up so me and my mum arent super close anyway. she had my brother with her ex and that whole situation was messy, he had a drug problem and shes not exactly stable herself if im honest. my brother has no routine at all, not in nursery, stays up late, eats whatever, its all over the place

she also doesnt speak to him very nicely which i hate, calling him names and stuff and hes only little. i end up feeling bad for him which is why i say yes half the time but its getting too much now

i have reported concerns before but nothing came of it and she found out it was me which caused a massive fallout and we didnt speak for months

now its back to this again where she just expects me to have him whenever. i do love him obviously but i feel like im being taken the piss out of a bit

aibu if i start saying no or telling her she actually needs to sort childcare instead of just assuming ill do it?

Yanbu but poor little sausage.

I don’t think I could not help. You might be his only source if stability and security. You could make a huge difference to his outcome in life.

But if it's too much, it’s too much. YANBU

You said that you've reported concerns before OP, do you mean to Social Services? Do you feel he's being neglected or miss treated in some way? Does your Mum currently have a partner?

As far as your little brother being dumped on you is concerned, I wouldn't be happy with it either, but if you suspect any of the above, I would be seriously debating with myself, whether I felt I could take him on full time, particularly as you already have young children. However, if you and your partner/DH, don't feel able to do this for him, then again, if you feel he's being neglected I really do think you need to go back to S.S.

Of course if there's nothing actually wrong in his home, and your Mum is just taking the piss by dumping him on you, then of course you can say no sometimes, or even all the time if you don't want to do it. Does she have any other support, or are you the only person around, that she can ask for help?

Your going to have to put your foot down and tell her no. It doesn’t work for you. You have your own kids and your own life. She needs to find different childcare or suck it up and be a better mother to him than what she was to you.

yeah i did report it before mainly cos of how she speaks to him tbh, it wasnt even just one off its constant calling him names and shouting at him over nothing

and his hair as well sounds silly but its really curly and she just leaves it, always looks a mess like not brushed or anything so i went out and bought stuff for it myself and tried to sort it when i had him. she went mad saying i was overstepping and acting like his mum

when hes here as well he just trashes everything, like no boundaries at all. throwing stuff, emptying cupboards, climbing on everything and she just laughs it off usually or ignores it so he doesnt listen to anyone

i do feel bad for him but at the same time its hard work especially when its just dumped on me last min like this

Of course you can say no. Get a Ring type doorbell and don’t answer it if it’s her just turning up.

Oh OP that is such a hard thing for you to deal with. On the one hand it is too much for you and she is taking advantage, but on the other, you just want to do right by your brother. I am being no help at all, I just wanted to recognise your situation and send hugs.

How old are your own children?

That's an awful situation for you to be in. On one hand you shouldn't feel obligated to take him, and it's absolutely your prerogative not to take him ever. On the other hand of course, you love him and want to take care of him, and probably the best thing you can do for him is to have him as often as possible and teach him what boundaries are and what a loving household looks like. How old are your kids? If they are a similar age they could be very good role models for him.

If you think he's neglected then keep calling SS until theyget the message. So what if she doesn't speak to you for months? That's got to be a win.

The best answer 100%

What a shit Mother, sorry op it sounds so hard. I would report again to SS and anyone that will listen.

Wy has this got to do with it?

I asked the same question. I think it's relevant, both to how much extra work having her brother is, and whether her children can be a good influence on the brother.

Oh that sounds so stressful and frustrating.

I agree with those saying keep reporting.

Does he go to preschool? If he does it may help to have a chat with them too so they know the family background, your previous reported and ongoing concerns etc.

Have a think about what you can offer in terms of childcare each week and stick to only doing that amount. Be firm with her.

What is she going to do?! Sulk? Not talk to you? Sounds like she'd soon be back knocking on your door again soon enough. 🙄😔

My dc is 14 months

or whether her brother can be a bad influence on her children and they start copying his poor behaviour

@knackeredagain24 poor little boy. But he isn't your responsibility and your DM clearly doesn't care much about either of you.
You have to keep saying no and meaning it. If she persists tell her you'll have to contact SS again to assess what support she needs if she's not coping with her one child.

People saying that he isn’t your responsibility are right up to a point, but it is your responsibility as an adult that’s aware of issues in his home to report it to social services. I know that you have before and it didn’t go well for anyone but well done for speaking up, your brother can’t speak up for himself and needs a hero right now. It might have to be you. Please report again.

I feel so sorry for your little brother but of course he's not your responsibility. Report again to SS. Hopefully she will get some support which will make a difference. If she falls out with you she won't be pestering you either.

To see how much extra work the OP was being landed with.
I mean, if she had three older children, a three year old would make things quite complicated.

It's not your responsibility, but you might be the best adult figure he has in life. If you want to keep helping him (not her) and the unpredictability is the most difficult part of it for you to deal with them could you message your mum and say firmly that you can have him from X time until Y time on days ABC only. If she asks at other times say, "No, I can do such and such as I said though" and either go out or refuse to answer the door. If she leaves him at your door anyway ring the police to notify them and social services that he's been abandoned.

Again not your job but could you research local nurseries for him? That might be a way to get him more help without it being all on you.

You’re probably the nicest person in the poor child’s life !
You were right to report, all adults have a responsibility to report to social services if you suspect a child is being neglected or verbally abused. I would keep reporting it as it’s ongoing.

Of course.

It's just a horrible situation all around.

Oh OP, YANBU to not have him of course but it sounds like you’re the best role model he’s got.

He should be in a nursery or preschool part time and your mum should be entitled to 15 free hours as a minimum, perhaps 30. Could you help her sort that out which ultimately will take some of the burden off you and also mean a childcare setting is looking out for him and providing him with more structure.

Does he go to school next year and if so has she applied?

What a hard situation to be in.

Like another PP, I couldn't not help though if it were me, that little boy needs all the love and safety and stability he can get. I'd probably have him more not less if I could.

He isn't your child though and this isn't on you to fix. Any support you extend should be optional not compulsory. Keep your door locked and just say no.

Keep flagging to social services, even if nothing comes of it now, by the time he's in school and telling teachers his mum calls him names and they make a referral there will be all of your previous incidents documented.

It also depends on whether he is clothed, fed, clean, any SEN needs as to what action they will decide to take, and whether they think your mum is capable of making any changes to her lifestyle that don't place this little boy at a disadvantage.

What would you like social services to do in this situation? It can be good to know what sort of support you're expecting from them so you know how to phrase your concerns or document safeguarding issues.

Do you think your mum is capable of making changes to her life that will benefit this little boy?