To ask if anyone else feels like they have never really been loved?

[RamsaySnowsSausage]

My parents "love" me but it's always been dependent on my looks/actions/achievements. Any problems I had were 'of my own making' and any sadness or hard times including rape, robbery and infidelity were really 'my fault and issue to deal with'. My brother is, of course, a delicate soul who needs protection and provision well into middle age while doing nothing but leech.

I've had long term relationships including one marriage but they all ended when I became unable to meet their needs 24/7 due to studying, working or childcare. Either they cheated so I left or they abused me until I left.

I have also been betrayed and abandoned by friends. Not all, but many.

I keep playing the games and being what family/partners/friends want but the second I break character and be an actual person with weaknesses and needs, no one is there.

I do largely keep peace and have nice friends and colleagues...as long as I always ask about them and remember their details while fully accepting that no person on earth, including my immediate family knows fuck all about me. My parents might know the town i live in, my son might know my allergies, my colleagues probably know my job role but there's zero cross over. If I went missing, no one would be able to give an accurate description of me and my life.

I honestly don't want pity or any advice on how to win friends and influence people but has anyone else experienced the same? I'm so sad.

This is really sad OP and I'm sorry for everything you've been through. You're definitely not alone.

If you only interact with other people in a false persona, then not only are you not giving people a chance to love you, you’re not giving them a chance to know you!

It sounds like you might have come from a narcissistic family. This can lead to struggle in your life as an adult. It doesn't mean that you aren't lovable. I would talk to a counsellor to help get your thoughts straight. Sending love ❤️

Yes I’m the same OP in terms of not having felt loved. Not the same life events but that feeling.

I don’t think my parents actually love or
loved me. My Mum I think feels possessive of me rather than actually loving me. She sometimes will want to do things for me but it seems performative or almost asserting ownership rather than loving. My Dad is a complicated soul but I also don’t think loves me as he has such weird views about women (subconsciously) I don’t think he can genuinely love one - even though he might think he does, he’s half seeing you as a resource all the time.

I have had ex boyfriends who I loved (one in particular) but didn’t love me back.

Married a man I didn’t truly love (a mistake I now realise) and thought he loved me, but when we had children it turned he couldn’t possibly love me from his behaviour.

Funnily enough, I think my children genuinely love me.

Yes I get it. My mum treats me an extension of her (narcissistic traits) so ‘loves’ me when I’m high achieving and she can brag about me whilst still trying to one up me. It’s complex. I was parentified young and was raised to believe I had to earn love through people pleasing. As an adult I often feel like I’m performing a role for people, who don’t really care to be curious about me beyond the surface. When I have reached out for help/support in the past from her, friends, partners etc they almost can’t comprehend it as I’m the strong and capable one they lean on. As a result I rarely show anybody any vulnerability these days, I feel like I can only depend on myself. And it makes me feel my relationships are heavily dependent on me being what they need and asking for very little in return. It’s hard. But I do still value my friendships regardless so never want to rock the boat.

I don't interact with a false persona. I'm me- kind, supportive, interested, interesting. I help, support and cheerlead people including family, friends, partners and colleagues. What I am experiencing (for 40 years) is that when I need that done for me...it doesn't happen.

Definitely an odd family. Maybe not narcissistic but definitely martyr parents with the old golden child/black sheep dynamic.

I have had a lot of therapy in many different flavours (cbt, hypnotherapy, talking, SSRIs)and they were largely ineffective or outright damaging. I was sexually assaulted by one therapist, another fell asleep on me (she did say I have a lovely calming voice!), another one told me she wouldn't help me unless I left an abusive ex (she was right but I literally couldn't at the time without risking murder). And the rest have been nice but no effect. Drugs do work and are very helpful. But isn't it sad I need to be prescribed drugs because people have been so fucking nasty to me.

Look back at your OP.

I keep playing the games and being what family/partners/friends want but the second I break character and be an actual person with weaknesses and needs, no one is there.

You’re acting a part.

Yes. But I’ve become indifferent to it. I love my family fiercely, I feel that’s what I’m here for so I’ll do it to the best of my capacity. I focus on sending love outward. I rarely think about it any more.

I think this is a wonderful way of being and it is natural for some. There are precious few who truly have loving generous natures and thrive on sharing goodness.

But you can not pour from an empty cup nor depend on others filling it for you. You have to love yourself first . Unfortunately that is the hardest lesson for people who were taught to be selfless.

I haven't experienced exactly that, but it's certainly true that not all parents can love us they way we'd like to be loved, and that many friendships are superficial, especially today.
Have you ever considered talking to a therapist/counselor? I can help wondering if maybe you are the kind of person who immediately starts to cater to other people, so that they come to expect it from you.

No, because love doesn't really exist, it's a made up concept, we do what we have to do to survive and perpetuate our genes and that means being able to persuade other people to help us in life otherwise known as love.
The belief in the concept and the experience of being treated as though we are loved makes life more pleasant though, and parents should be able to at persuade children they are loved. It was only as an adult I realised everything in life has a value, and as my parents got older the mask slipped, as I'm autistic and an only child I became of less value to them as I haven't been very successful in life, the same with my husband, he's nice to me and 'loves' me when he wants something, life's nicer when we don't know these things, feeling 'loved' feels safe and nice, but ultimately it's bullshit.

Wow. This has really made me reflect on love as a concept. It’s actually helped me as I often worry about whether family and husband “love me” or not.

Op I feel you on this.
Ive recently been very down and have confided in some of my friends.
I have been endlessly sympathetic in the past, when they have been going through things. However, now I’m feeling low and vulnerable a couple of them who said they were “there for me” have been very hard on me and even drifted away, now I’m hard work to be around.

I know what you mean re parents and also same partner wise but my children really do love me and I them

Yes. I don’t particularly want to post my tale of woe but my emotional needs weren’t met when I was a child; my Dad was abusive and my sister a bully. I’ve struggled in confidence and the belief that I could be loved all my adult life

Who have you truly loved in life?

Surely your children truly love you?

and you don’t feel the force love you have for your family is reciprocated @CherryBlossom321

Not really. However I appreciate it’s possible I don’t recognise it, though it may be there. I tend to feel they can take or leave me.