To ask if anyone else feels like they have never really been loved?

[RamsaySnowsSausage]

My parents "love" me but it's always been dependent on my looks/actions/achievements. Any problems I had were 'of my own making' and any sadness or hard times including rape, robbery and infidelity were really 'my fault and issue to deal with'. My brother is, of course, a delicate soul who needs protection and provision well into middle age while doing nothing but leech.

I've had long term relationships including one marriage but they all ended when I became unable to meet their needs 24/7 due to studying, working or childcare. Either they cheated so I left or they abused me until I left.

I have also been betrayed and abandoned by friends. Not all, but many.

I keep playing the games and being what family/partners/friends want but the second I break character and be an actual person with weaknesses and needs, no one is there.

I do largely keep peace and have nice friends and colleagues...as long as I always ask about them and remember their details while fully accepting that no person on earth, including my immediate family knows fuck all about me. My parents might know the town i live in, my son might know my allergies, my colleagues probably know my job role but there's zero cross over. If I went missing, no one would be able to give an accurate description of me and my life.

I honestly don't want pity or any advice on how to win friends and influence people but has anyone else experienced the same? I'm so sad.

It’s ok @RamsaySnowsSausage . You don’t have to be like everyone else.

I used to be tearful at Christmas because my family (parents, siblings) were too busy to say Happy Christmas. I felt sad that they didn’t think of me.

Now, I have let go of the expectations I’d formed from the expectation of my parents, the tv adverts, the social media posts of friends. It actually doesn’t matter if people think of me on exactly the right day, or ring with messages on any one day in particular. It’s a bit of a self made misery really- we set ourselves up to fail.

I’m much more relaxed now about enjoying the attention and interest when it comes and making my own peace and contentment in between times.

It’s easy to get up in the dance of proving relationships to each other, rather than actually connecting with each other.
I’m sorry you’ve had a rough time, but what you are learning now about your parents and brother is really useful and strengthening.