To ask if a 5-6 year age gaps between children is too big?

[HeyGabby]

My DD is 4 and we are struggling to conceive #2. So we are looking at least 5.5 years gap now. I'm a bit sad that if we do manage to conceive the gap will be too big for them to have a good relationship 😪

Please could I ask for people's experiences of this gap?

Mine are 13, 7 and 2.5. The age gap was planned due to childcare costs and career progression and we love it. They’re close in their own way. They’re different people but love each other and that’s what matters

I'm 28, my sister is 35 and my brother is 34. Won't lie it was hard growing up because I felt like an outsider (because they were so close in age) and had 0 interest in me. I have a great relationship with my sister now, we go to concerts together regularly and she's always protected me.

My boys have 10 years between them. They weren’t very close growing up obviously but the little one doted on the big one. Now they are adults they are very close. Speak daily on the phone and hang out together quite a bit. It’s lovely to see as their mum and brings me great comfort to know they have each other.

My brother and I are just over 6 years in between (mum didn’t enjoy pregnancy!) and have always been close growing up and now as adults (almost 29 and 35)

We purposely had a 5 year gap , it is 5.2 and it worked great, we are in Scotland so dc1 was just starting school so I wasn't juggling baby and toddler, as they grew up it was peaks and troughs but I don't think you can guarantee any siblings get on.
We managed holidays fine and sometimes we did separate activities with them which was fine we liked having 1 to 1 time with them.

They are 29 and 34 and get on well and are friends as well as siblings.

There is a year between me and my dsis and 4 years between my two dc. My dc fight FAR less than my sister and I did! There is also a 5.5 year age gap between my eldest and her cousin. They all get on great. I think that a lot of my shyness as a child was because I was in the shadow of my older sister. I think that it is healthier to have that space. Of the siblings I know, the ones who get on best have a larger age gap.

I have a big age gap. It is a problem if you want them to be buddies, it won’t be like that with a six year gap.

My eldest is lovely with the youngest and they do have common interests but they don’t really play much now dd is an older teen.

They get on brilliantly on holidays, they both do the same martial art so oldest dc helps youngest dc with that. She also teaches him things like Minecraft and how to cycle on a pump track etc. and she will take younger dc to the park, she’s looking forward to passing driving test so she can take him out to Thorpe Park by herself (Scary thought!). They play Monopoly and have Lego competitions and listen to music together .

I don’t think it’s the same as having a sibling who is your fully time playmate though.

It's the age gap that we have between ours and I think it's too much. It wasn't my plan but we had a lot of miscarriages. There are 4 years between me and my brother and we are not friends at all he barely contacts me and I don't feel like I have a sibling.

I've tried really hard to facilitate a relationship between my two but now one is in their teams and the other isn't I can see that they really have nothing in common and I'm not sure what the relationship will be like as they get older.

I think three years is the maximum age gap that works if you want them to be friends and to do things together especially as they get older.

But I also know that we don't always get that choice and sometimes we just have to go with what life gives us.

My cousin has 3 kids all 1 after the other, it was absolute chaos when they were kids and teenagers it was only when they started moving out that they got on, 1 even stayed with a grandparent as a teenager, so of course that is extreme but I don't think you can guarantee close siblings will be playmates and get along.

You never can tell. My db & i have 5.5 years between us. We got on OK as kids but not much in common. Avoided each other as teenagers. We ger on pretty well as adults but we're not close

My 2 dds have the same age gap & while they have different interests they've always got on well. It was nice to have an extra pair of hands when dd2 was very young! And now, even though dd1 has left home & only comes home every few months they absolutely adore each other and are extremely close

Refreshing to see so many positive stories on here. Bigger age gaps so often get demonised on Mumsnet and people are often lacking in empathy regarding the reason (secondary infertility, miscarriages etc). Maybe the tide is starting to turn!
I have six years between my sister and I and we have always been really close (currently planning her hen party!) some of my best childhood memories are of "helping" my mum with her when she was a baby and toddler.
Off the top of my head I can think of 4 mums I know that have kids with a 5-6 year age gap for a whole variety of reasons and honestly, everyone seems happy and harmonious in those families, so it's clearly something that can work out beautifully whether planned or unintentional.

5 years is working beautifully for us so far. I had no illusions nor did I want to have a baby as a friend for DD1 but watching them both together is lovely. DD1 adores her little sister to the point of annoyance (for her sister) and watching them together, especially now DD2 is toddling is brilliant.

Yes you have to divide and do separate things, but we encourage both siblings to wait and give each other time to do their own things. So for example we've recently been on holiday, DD1 did a high ropes activity that DD2 had to watch, so then DD1 had to watch while we took DD2 to the park for the swings (in reality DD1 helped push the swings and entertain DD2 but I know that won't last forever). We could also leave DD1 to watch DD2 briefly if we need to pop out of the room and trust her to shout us if needed.

I'm sure it'll change as DD1 grows up but my hope is that it helps keep her younger for a bit longer as she indulges play and Christmas magic etc "for" DD2 whilst secretly enjoying it herself.

Also. DD1 sleeps through the night and doesn't need much support at bedtime or in the morning to get ready. I can't imagine wrangling two toddlers in the morning :D and I was fully recovered from the baby trenches and career wise (i'm the breadwinner) ready for another pregnancy and maternity leave. Big advocate for bigger age gaps!

Our boys are 18, 16 and 10. They have great relationships and a positive that people overlook is that because they have different interests they learn to be patient, show an interest in other people's things and that the world doesn't revolve around them.

I’ve a five year ago gap due to secondary infertility. It’s working out well so far. Very little jealousy and very little stress . With the newborn my five year old could help me a little and also dress himself etc which was great . A baby and a toddler is very stressful from what I can see. I hope they get on well when older it’s too early to say but this thread is reassuring

Just shy of 6 years between my two. It's mostly been ok and now they're older (teen/20s) they get on great. There was a while where things like day trips/holidays could be difficult, pitching activities at the right age group sort of thing - trying to avoid something too babyish for the older one and not to difficult/uninteresting for the younger but generally speaking it's been fine.

Fwiw there's 2 years between me and my sibling and we get on so much better now we don't live in the same county

Yes, age gaps of seven and nine years. Nightmare. Older kids don't get enough attention when they are teenagers and need more support as like you say, the youngest tries to keep up and tags along and the parents let the oldest act as a responsible adult. And then the teenager slips through the net a bit as it's hard to give them lifts and check what they are up to as you have to be at home for the youngest going to bed.

Hmm there's 3.5 years between eldest 2. They have never played together or been remotely close.

In fact the eldest gets on better the dc3 who is 12 years younger

I'm not sure why anyone expects kids to " play" together anyway. There's 2 years between myself and next one down. Never played together. He used to spend his time trying to tornent me Then another 18 months but those two just fought constantly and I just ignored him

See with my teens and a younger one they weren't stopped going anywhere they needed lifts as he would be just bundled in the car to get them. Although I wasn't a taxi service. Age gap was 12.5 and 9 years

And if there's 2 parents about then one could stay indoors while other dealt with older kids

My two eldest were 6&4 when baby brother came along.Absolutely fine ,never any logistical problems and now as adults they could all be the same age . In fact the youngest is the wisest!

My parents had a 4 year age gap between me and my brother, they wanted it to be closer like they had with their siblings but it didn't work out that way. My Mum had time at home with us both and didn't go back to work until my brother was at school and my grandparents and aunty helped out when needed. We had holidays and days out until we were mid to late teens and wanted to do our own thing more and I was still willing to do things with my brother that most tweens and teens would refuse to do. I have nearly 10 years between my two (22 and 12 this year) but eldest is severely disabled otherwise I imagine my eldest would have been at university or working whilst the youngest was still in primary school. Also the older one would have been involved in helping out with the younger one in their tweens but may have preferred their freedom or not wanted the younger one around - my aunty has a similar age gap between two of her children and found the older children wanted to help and be involved when the youngest was little but once the older ones were working and doing their own thing she needed to be there for the youngest more.

Mine are 7 and 12 and they have a very close bond. DD adores her little brother, as do all her friends, and he really looks up to her. They have different interests but still love doing things like playing on the trampoline or playing Mario Kart together. I love hearing them whispering and giggling together and they are very affectionate with one another. They bicker sometimes of course, but I think that would be the case whatever the age gap was. I'm really glad it's worked out this way.

There's only 2 years between DH and his sister and they have a polite but distant relationship. They have absolutely nothing in common and are certainly not friends. My best friend hates her sister, they barely speak at all and there's 18 months between them. So clearly a small age gap does not guarantee closeness or lifelong friendship.

I have 9 days shy of 5 years between mine - they are adults now.
They are very different personalities and don't think they would have been any closer if they were a year apart.
The benefit was when I had my second the eldest could understand better than a 1 or 2 year old when we explained how much time babies can take up and we had none of the jealousy issues you sometimes hear about

Thank you for all the replies! It's so nice to read that most are positive.

I remember a few years back we had one starting uni, one starting secondary school and one starting primary school all at the same time, the twins came along a few years later

It’s better for DCs to have a 5 year gap.

each gets individual focus during the crucial early years.

plus it makes childcare costs much lower.