AIBU to struggle with my sister always offloading negativity onto me?

[TheWildZebra]

Am looking for advice for how others who’ve gone through this stage of life have dealt with these family dynamics.

i have a sister (older by 10 years) who I have got along with really well with until recently. We are in our early 30s and 40s. It’s not that we’ve fallen out; it’s that for the last 2 years or I’ve found I just can’t stand her personality and spending time with her. We live close by and in the past have really enjoyed going on walks together, lunch etc etc. and I feel really mean about how I react to her at the moment so would like to know if others have experienced the same?

when she calls or we’re together, she offloads all her worries on to me, usually having got herself into a frenzy about things (like our parents, or some other topic that’s taken her attention that week). I stopped her mid sentence a few months ago and asked her to stop doing this, and that whenever she rang she just used me as an emotional dumping ground. She burst into tears and hung up immediately.

but it’s started again. We recently had a weekend together with a long drive, and it was unbearable- she has pre rehearsed things like : “I’ve been trying to make DH do X but he always Y.” “I always feel like when I see X, Y happens and [insert negative comment]”. “X thing has happened and so I always feel Y”.

but ALWAYS the same phrases. All with really negative intensity. Very often assuming the worst outcomes and worst intentions of people.

I don’t claim to be the life and joy of a party, but I feel like I ca never get a word in edge ways and if I try to change the subject to something lighter, she just sighs miserably. If I try to call out that she’s told me this story FIVE times already this month, she’s like I know I know. I mean, if she knows, WHY REGALE ME AGAIN!

sorry, bit of a long one and not super well explained. But perhaps it resonates with people

Thank you - I really appreciate it ❤️

She sounds like my mum and my aunt, they are addicted to being morbid and repetitive . I trained my mum out of it, but my aunt is so into 'one-downing' (opposite of one-upping) that it is too draining to talk to her anymore. I don't think she noticed.

After many decades of morbid stories, I told my mum I'm not listening to any more horrible stories, if she needs to explore her past, go to counselling, it's too draining for me, I've burnt out. I listen to stuff going on in her life now, and to stories about her friends, including sad ones, but not gossip, crime stories, or grim family history. To get to this point I had to stop her on many occasions when she wanted to tell me about a true crime, terrible news story or family drama. I'd say 'Is this a horrible story? I'm not going to listen to horrible stories, it's upsetting.' At first she would just keep going, but I kept being firm ' this sounds like a horrible story, I don't want it in my head.' Eventually, she got the message.

Not really sure if telling your sister you are burnt out and you need to avoid negative topics will help, but it sounds like you are burnt out - (by her negativity, which you don't need to add!) Good luck.

It was a bad idea to cut her off mid-sentence and deliver this message. It's not effective to have a productive conversation about someone's behaviour when they are already in a heightened state of emotion. It isn't going to land and they aren't going to be able to reflect – their nervous system isn't in that position. You'd be better to bring it up calmly and in a dedicated conversation.

That’s helpful feedback. You’re right. I guess at the time I was particularly stressed myself and just couldn’t bear to hear it any longer, so snapped. I’ll make sure to talk about it in a more neutral setting next time, face to face xx

I hear you @TheWildZebra. I can’t go into details in case my dsis sees this but I know. It’s hard.