AIBU to struggle with my sister always offloading negativity onto me?

[TheWildZebra]

Am looking for advice for how others who’ve gone through this stage of life have dealt with these family dynamics.

i have a sister (older by 10 years) who I have got along with really well with until recently. We are in our early 30s and 40s. It’s not that we’ve fallen out; it’s that for the last 2 years or I’ve found I just can’t stand her personality and spending time with her. We live close by and in the past have really enjoyed going on walks together, lunch etc etc. and I feel really mean about how I react to her at the moment so would like to know if others have experienced the same?

when she calls or we’re together, she offloads all her worries on to me, usually having got herself into a frenzy about things (like our parents, or some other topic that’s taken her attention that week). I stopped her mid sentence a few months ago and asked her to stop doing this, and that whenever she rang she just used me as an emotional dumping ground. She burst into tears and hung up immediately.

but it’s started again. We recently had a weekend together with a long drive, and it was unbearable- she has pre rehearsed things like : “I’ve been trying to make DH do X but he always Y.” “I always feel like when I see X, Y happens and [insert negative comment]”. “X thing has happened and so I always feel Y”.

but ALWAYS the same phrases. All with really negative intensity. Very often assuming the worst outcomes and worst intentions of people.

I don’t claim to be the life and joy of a party, but I feel like I ca never get a word in edge ways and if I try to change the subject to something lighter, she just sighs miserably. If I try to call out that she’s told me this story FIVE times already this month, she’s like I know I know. I mean, if she knows, WHY REGALE ME AGAIN!

sorry, bit of a long one and not super well explained. But perhaps it resonates with people

is she telling you about the stress of the parents because you dont know about it because you don’t take to do with them? Being the only one caring for an elderly parent is hard. So if there’s more you could do to help im sure that would help. why should she bear that burden alone. apologies if you’re already pulling your weight. parenting parents is exhausting.

when she starts being negative turn the convo round to your problems. that way it’s not just her all the time. ypu have a right to be heard. it’s normal to expect a few mumps and grumps but there should be good stuff in a conversation too.

if it starts getting negative and it’s out of balance (eg youve moaned about two things and shes moaned about six) tell her that she seems to have a lot of stressful stuff going on and remind her (as you said before) that youre not best placed to offer support and that a professional would be better.

if she starts spouting rubbish about not having time remind her that the office will still be there once youre not so you need to look out for you. make time for counselling. your health is important to you and as your sister to me too. i want you to be happy. we only get one life. make time.

if you just cut her off as though you dont care no wonder she gets upset. So telling her that you do care, while pointing her in the direction of counselling, let’s her know how you are feeling.

If you really want to help, do some research on counsellors who are members of professional bodies that work online and give your sister their details, telling her pethaps that youve been looking for yourself too. If she’s stressing you out a lot it could help you too.

I would, since you live nearby, go and talk to her. Get to the root of the issue. I know you don’t want to listen to the way she talks but if things are going to change this might be the best way.

Sounds like she has a lot of anxiety and worries on her mind OP. Have you ever suggested she go and speak to a professional? I think some of it is likely very understandable given her age. Sometimes people aren’t always aware they’re offloading or constantly being negative, and the fact she burst into tears when you pointed it out suggests she could possibly be struggling with low mood or depression. What is the rest of her support system like?

I think she needs to go for counselling

@MNLurker1345

can I ask your advice about this

She is therefore also more open to some of my input, rather than her feeling like I just don’t understand or don’t care.

I had a similar situation but with a friend rather than a sister so with all of those different dynamics but I found that while she would listen in the moment to my input it never carried through to her making changes to herself so we ended up at the start starting point in the next conversation. It was almost as though she was using the venting to enable her to tolerate staying stuck. Were you able to break that pattern with your sister. I never could and just had to start to step away from that friendship as there were other demands and boundaries that started to be eroded too.

Many PPs here say sister needs professional help, that sister is dumping on OP, that OP should distance herself. Is this really all we have got?

Everyone knows family dynamics are difficult, complex, problematic and sometimes toxic. Everyone also surely knows that suggesting professional help is not always really practical. And many people outright refuse it. So PPs view is that if the advice of getting professional help is refused, OP should just walk away from her sister.

OP it is your call, walk away, distance yourself, but the fact that you are posting on MN suggests that you know it isn’t as simple as that.

One of my other sisters has been in therapy for years because of similar issues. Has it helped? Not in my opinion.

Agree. There is no ‘sharing’ going on, she seemingly is taking any of the advice from OP and there are little signs of ‘friendship’ when interactions are so unbalanced and self serving - and when the OP dares to express a preference to reset the balance to a more tolerable and respectful position the sister has a volatile hissy fit and flounced. Tells you all you need to know.

Hi thanks for all the comments - to respond to some themes. She’s not a bad person or an emotional manipulator, it wasn’t hissy tears she shed, just completely overwhelmed tears?

I think the most helpful thing would be for me to be kind but firm with my boundaries, and direct her towards other help, say that I want her to be happy and well, but that the current pattern simply works for neither of us - it’s not making her less stressed/unhappy/anxious, and it’s making me resentful.

shes a very sensitive person, so I think just steeling myself and being prepared to hurt a little by calling her behaviour and habits out for the purpose of supporting her to find other outlets/support will be necessary.

So she’s early 40s? I wonder whether she’s in perimenopause and that’s causing her anxiety to rocket. I’m late 40s now but looking back it was early 40s that my personality changed and I became much more difficult. At the time I attributed it to work stress etc but these days perimenopause is much better understood and there’s more awareness of how it causes changes to anxiety levels.

I agree that it would be best to state your position clearly - use lots of “I feel” statements rather than “you always”, emphasise that you love her and miss her, say you’re both concerned about her and unable to offer the level of support she seems to want right now. Maybe as part of that you could raise the issue that she should have her hormones checked as this seems to be a change.

And yes bracing yourself for the difficult conversation and accepting that she’s upset about it is definitely kinder in the long run!

@DuskOPorter, I actually find my sisters constant negativity infuriating sometimes. And yes there definitely is a loop that she tries to wrap me up in.

We did fall out previously. Did it help? No! Is she hurting me? No! She is the one in pain, she is hurting.

These episodes that OP and many of us go through with our siblings can explode into family fall outs.

My sister has never done anything to hurt me personally. Am I offering some level of counselling? Yes I suppose I am. I am not a professional and don’t claim to be but I do have authority to listen to and talk to my sister when she is struggling in her life.

Yes I do think it has made a difference. Because when someone is in that kind of loop and we are fed up and pushing back with an equal adverse kind of negativity we get nowhere.

It’s not about me!

You sound really lovely @TheWildZebra and I completely agree with you that it is a very nuanced situation especially with a sister.

Really good thoughts here thanks. I was in a slightly different situation in that the behaviour was harmful to me and hurtful at times too. There were lines being crossed directed towards me.

Your response is very helpful to me but very helpful to the OP too because you sound like you are both in very similar scenarios.

Exactly, shes become an emotional vampire, and shes abusing your family ties because she thinks that means you just have to sit there and take it because youre her sister, theres no way shed pull this relentless shit on a friend.

Sorry but I find this negative / totally OTT language just as bad as the problem I’m talking about? No nuance, everything black and white - she’s a vampire! a manipulator!
no- she’s just a human and I want to know how I can support her and keep myself sane in the process.

Fair enough, I wish you well and hope you sort it out.

We are all different and OP, you do have to distance yourself in order to protect your well being, as you see fit.

I did come to the understanding that my attitude to my sister’s behaviour was a push back because I didn’t really want to hear it and I suppose I thought that she should have the inner skills to just snap out of it and see life differently. She doesn’t. She won’t seek professional help.

And so I did, as I have said, change the way I approached it. She does now feel listened to. It is a very delicate situation, that many would ask why am I tiptoeing around her - we nearly went back to the old ways the other day. But managed, both us us to pull back and listen to each other.

I am not in anyway passive. I am the strongest of the two.

OP, you say your sister is very sensitive. Yes that that sensitivity constantly has her on the defence, doesn’t it?

What does her being ‘a very sensitive person’ entail?

Is she ‘sensitive’ to you or only her own emotions. Sometimes ‘sensitive’ people
have us all walking on eggshells - so as not to emotionally overwhelm THEM - but this has the impact often of silencing YOU - others might interpret ‘sensitive’ behaviour as prickly or controlling because it keeps everything on her agenda and perspective.

It’s interesting that you feel you have to ‘steel’ yourself to have a conversation. This might indicate a power imbalance and an anticipation of defensivness and / or fear of conflict from her rather than a mutual, respectful, reciprocal, productive dialogue about feedback and seeking to reset your relationship and resolve issues to avoid resentment and deterioration.

thansk for sharing your experience

it’s an interesting and correct observation that you make that her sensitivity is often in her own defence, and sometimes she is unkind with others (eg my mum) and unable to accept they are sensitive to the way she communicates and responds. I think despite much of what she says being very negative, there’s actually very little emotional nuance in how she communicates? Like she tries to split a walnut with a sledge hammer, if that makes sense, and in so doing can blindside people but doesn’t really accept that that isn’t a helpful way to communicate her feelings.

Do you think there’s an element of neurodivergence? Being sensitive to perceived slights and being overly blunt/unaware of how she’s coming across just made me wonder.

It’s a common pattern for girls and woke to mask/fit in when they’re younger, and then the impact of hormonal changes in their 40s can make their normal coping routines stop working.

I feel your pain, my daughter dumps all her negativity onto me, by text or verbally, it gets me down at times. She is seeing a psychotherapist, but it isn’t really helpful with this particular issue. She’s currently on holiday and still texting and moaning about something 🤦‍♀️, I give up.

On the other hand my MIL and SIL generally do the same, not anymore. I’m not close to them and the rest of the family avoid their calls, I’ve actually blocked them. I can’t help someone who refuses to help themselves, I have my own shit to deal with, and have limited energy due to having M.S. I’ve prioritised what and who are important in my life, my energy is paramount. I had CBT many years ago to help me accept my diagnosis, the therapist gave me permission to cut out people that drain me with nothing in return, so I have 😝

@TheWildZebra “I think despite much of what she says being very negative, there’s actually very little emotional nuance in how she communicates”

Exactly this with my sister. She is the one in pain, she is the one who is hurting, she is the one who is right.

I don’t think she has the emotional capacity to see outside of her experience and I am not the one to force that on her. All I can do is approach it differently, which has allowed us to have a more positive relationship.

It isn’t a cure and her relationships with like your sister, other family members, causes pain. But I do think my continued relationship with her is positive for her.

Hmm much food for thought in your comment and I don’t have immediate answers but my sense is yes you’re correct on a lot of things. I think fundamentally the older/younger sister dynamic is probably still in play and she is also quite a “big” personality that has taken the Head of Sisterhood role quite seriously in her life! Probably plays into it.

I have wondered this but don’t want to just label or excuse. Our mother is undiagnosed but almost certainly neurodivergent in some form, and my sisters lack of understanding for how her actions affect others points in that direction also.

Yes, I can see that just slapping a label on doesn’t really change the situation!

I have several autistic family members (some diagnosed, some not but it’s very obvious) and my kids are both diagnosed. I always try to be clear with them that autism may explain their behaviour, but it does not excuse or justify it. So - even if autism is the reason they do something, they are still responsible for the consequences of what they do.

But it is very helpful, both for me and for them, to know that they are autistic so that we know how to manage situations, or what kind of coping strategies they might benefit from. Just having that awareness may help you to reframe some of your communication with her - not to say that she should be allowed to continue as she is, but so that you can judge how best to explain your position.

Just may be worth thinking about :)