AIBU to struggle with my sister always offloading negativity onto me?

[TheWildZebra]

Am looking for advice for how others who’ve gone through this stage of life have dealt with these family dynamics.

i have a sister (older by 10 years) who I have got along with really well with until recently. We are in our early 30s and 40s. It’s not that we’ve fallen out; it’s that for the last 2 years or I’ve found I just can’t stand her personality and spending time with her. We live close by and in the past have really enjoyed going on walks together, lunch etc etc. and I feel really mean about how I react to her at the moment so would like to know if others have experienced the same?

when she calls or we’re together, she offloads all her worries on to me, usually having got herself into a frenzy about things (like our parents, or some other topic that’s taken her attention that week). I stopped her mid sentence a few months ago and asked her to stop doing this, and that whenever she rang she just used me as an emotional dumping ground. She burst into tears and hung up immediately.

but it’s started again. We recently had a weekend together with a long drive, and it was unbearable- she has pre rehearsed things like : “I’ve been trying to make DH do X but he always Y.” “I always feel like when I see X, Y happens and [insert negative comment]”. “X thing has happened and so I always feel Y”.

but ALWAYS the same phrases. All with really negative intensity. Very often assuming the worst outcomes and worst intentions of people.

I don’t claim to be the life and joy of a party, but I feel like I ca never get a word in edge ways and if I try to change the subject to something lighter, she just sighs miserably. If I try to call out that she’s told me this story FIVE times already this month, she’s like I know I know. I mean, if she knows, WHY REGALE ME AGAIN!

sorry, bit of a long one and not super well explained. But perhaps it resonates with people

Because she wants you to be a sister. Someone she can ask advice from ? Someone she can share problems with. Someone who can be a friend with ?

Not just someone who wants light conversation.

That would happen if the first was in place.

It will dawn on her at some point that the relationship she wants with you is never going to be forthcoming.

This does sound tough. I think all you can do is keep calling her out on it, and distance yourself. I know that's not what you want - you want to have back the relationship you had before - but you've tried directly addressing it with no long-term change, so I'm not sure it's likely really. It may be that she's going through a particularly negative period that she will come back out of the other side of on her own. Do you get the impression she's like this with everyone, or has she mentally nominated you as her emotional support?

What's changed 2 years ago to kick this off? I'm assuming from what you say she hasn't always been like this?

I think this is really unfair. OP hasn't said she never wants to hear a negative word or a worry from her sister, she's said she doesn't want it to be the one, constant, unrelenting topic of conversation, which seems quite a reasonable position!

This is incredibly unfair on the OP.

I understand where you’re coming from with you (harsh) but well meaning comment, but relationships are meant to be give and take - I don’t feel like I can talk to her about my worries, for example, because they get commandeered by something she’s experienced that is inevitably worse or made into some statement about the sad state of the world. So I stop sharing.

I’ve tried very hard for the last 2 years to listen and be there for her. But when someone calls you every other day to offload for 30 mins and then mic-drops and leaves, it really wears you down.

Could you direct her towards professional help? Or perhaps give her a designated and limited time to offload every couple of weeks; as a professional would do?

YANBU you cannot be expected to listen to this all the time. Carry on being firm or she might pull you down with her.

Work is stressful (but she loves it which it great!) Parents are moving house and getting older.

nothing traumatic like deaths or divorces etc.

Thank you - I’ve said to her that I understand she must feel very weighed down by all these feelings and would she like to talk to someone professional about it, as they might be able to support her better than I can and both understand and mange the feelings. but the advice just glances off or is dismissed because eg. she’s too busy at work. It feels like an anxiety disorder but she’s almost TOO anxious to act on it? Her DH not much help and just says “your sister is annoying me”, half joking but he’s got his own ticks as well (don’t we all!)

we have a close family friend who is a psychologist who has also noticed this in her, and has suggested professional help to no avail.

I had this exact issue with my sister. I mean, exactly, and when I started to push back on being her emotional dumping ground she really turned on me. Now we have a much healthier more distant relationship. I do miss our closeness but I don’t miss the anxiety and depression I used to feel after our interactions. You’re moving into a new phase of relationship possibly? And that’s good even though getting to it might be a bit rocky.

She is talking without at all considering the impact that her venting and offloading is having on you. That is a lack of self awareness. Make her aware. Tell her the impact of what she is doing. It sounds very draining and exhausting. It is very selfish to not consider the other person in a conversation.

If she will not address her issues direct her towards someone who can offer this for her like a therapist and then you and she can continue to have a more balanced relationship.

Thanks for the comment and appreciate the support.

its hard to say - I would say that sometimes it’s the same, sometimes better when we’re in a group setting with her friends for example.

I feel so sad about this though - I really miss the relationship we had and it doesn’t feel right to step away as family is really important to me. But you’re right that boundaries are needed, because otherwise the only emotion will be dread and resentment, which is very sad too.

sorry to hear you experienced the same xx

100% YANBU.
She’s being very self focussed and seemingly unaware of the impact she’s having on you.
You need to continue to call her out on it and enforce boundaries if necessary.
My mother would have sucked me dry with her negativity if I’d have let her.
The fact that your sister burst into tears when you explained what she’s doing indicates some emotional immaturity on her part.
You really might have spell it out to her every time - make it light if you can “Oh sis you’re doing it again!” but if she absolutely refuses to see or address her behaviour you’re going to need to set those boundaries.
My brother survives time with my mother by leaving the conversation/phone call/house visit if she starts up with the negativity. (I was sadly forced to eventually go no contact but that’s extreme and due to emotional abuse too).
Boundaries and non emotional confrontation is the key to dealing with this.
Ignore the posters who clutch their pearls with the “But she’s your sister!”
That doesn’t give her the right to drag you down to her level. She sounds like a deeply unhappy individual and if she won’t help herself then it’s not up to you to let her drain you of your positivity.
They are some wonderful self-help books on reframing negative thoughts to positive ones - maybe get her one of those too.

You have every right to not tolerate this constant unrelenting negativity from her. It’s incredibly selfish and one sided.

I suspect her friends, husband etc have had enough and have switched off so it’s you who is getting the deluge.

That’s fine if it’s a specific difficulty she is working through and it’s mutual, balanced, reciprocal.

But it’s not. She’s draining you and dumping on you. She’s also being very highly manipulative with the volatile waterworks and flounce once you explained your preferences.

She needs professional help because the dumps she does on you are unproductive if she is repeatedly meeting the same issues with different people.

I would explain to her that it is irresponsible of you to be her sounding board as you are a professional and her issues are not resolving.

You have every right to feel used, drained etc and to sign-post her to support elsewhere.

Are your interactions anything other than her one way downloads? Can you do something like go to the cinema with her so that there is less time for her to talk about herself and you can talk about the film?

You don’t have to endure this self-serving behaviour and you can imagine how her friends also feel and they will be distancing themselves from her. You would be inadvertently enabling her continued emotional distress by keeping things the same - it’s like she has pneumonia and you can only offer her tissues - when she needs to see a chest specialist for high grade medication and management.

It’s really bad sign that you can’t talk to her about YOUR worries. I had this with my older sister and tbh I just reduced our contacts. I think she’s got the hint because she started asking how I’m a bit more and listening. It took her quite a few years though.
I still listen if it’s a real problem and I can help e.g it’s about her health or our parents or I have time and fancy listening.
Re phone calls: I wouldn’t answer and would just txt back that I was busy was it something urgent?
added: it’s what I started doing because honestly I was busy, I also switched to audio calls instead of face timing as it’s quicker and I could have done my nails etc while talking.

Following on from my comment above, I highly recommend gifting this book to your sister:
The Power of Positive Energy by Tanaaz Chubb
It’s written with a spiritual persuasion, however if you can get past that (or are on board with it) the advice and perspectives given are absolutely excellent for reframing a negative outlook to more positive.

I have had contact with two of my sisters this weekend, we are a group of five. We are older and there is a lot of negativity currently of a serious nature one had her ex die just before the weekend. The other has her DH very unwell and I’m having heart investigations this week. We also had DH sister visit who has an unusually miserable but totally self inflicted life. That is my line drawing when people make stupid choices I have no patience with their worries and I let them wash over me as I don’t feel sorry for them. I told SIL to not date a man many years ago, he has been to prison and she did. He was obviously a very bad man, not just a leave the loo seat up type. I’m very much you can stew in the juices of your own decision making.

Does your sister have a partner? Because if she doesn’t then you are the closest thing she has to a partner.

So whilst I agree it can be wearing, irritating, tiring and sometimes infuriating there is also some searching of oneself as to who else she has and also the real skill of not letting others upset you. She may be going through peri menopause as well. Negativity reigns supreme for some at this age, SIL lost the plot entirely and ostracised many people during this period of time. She was unmarried and had no children and realised her time was up.

Can you try being open about this? Say that you have noticed that she is always unhappy about something and that, while you are OK with being a support to her in bad times, you can see that it is more than that and you are wondering if she is generally depressed and if something should be done about this.

I think this is the right thing to try.

This: for the last 2 years or I’ve found I just can’t stand her personality and spending time with her is very harsh and rejecting - surely your sister is struggling now in some way?

Yes have boundaries of course, but outright rejection doesn't seem right.

I kind of agreed with @Monty36. I have a similar relationship with my sister. She is very negative and going through her own trauma’s.

I do want a relationship with her and she has made it clear that a relationship with me is important to her. I have had to therefore adjust my way of engaging because I don’t think she is capable of adjusting.

Therefore I do listen more, and try to understand that this is her perception of her life and her life experience. As a result we can and do have a better relationship because she feels listened to and understood.

She is therefore also more open to some of my input, rather than her feeling like I just don’t understand or don’t care.

You need to tell her that your burnt out, that she clearly isn’t ok and needs to speak to a professional.

She wants a dumping gound and someone to offload on.
Thats Ok....if its a 2-way street.
Sounds like its causing OP stress- so its not OK to act like this, sister or not.

Thank you for realising I was well meaning.

As you say you cannot or don’t seek to have that sort of sharing relationship with her as you would not want to share problems and would not seek to ask advice yourself from her.

That she tries to trump you or has oneupmanship conversations suggests she is feeling a bit ‘less’ than you.

Perhaps she is at a stage in her life where she is ( as you often do when you reach 40 odd), reflecting on her life a bit.

But how to manage it ? With a light touch. A bit of humour but truth thrown in. Especially when she is being ‘low’.
Don’t take her calls every other day.

Agree this is very unfair!

She wants Op to be a counsellor!