Coparent keeps signing kids up to activities on my parenting time, then demanding money

[hotrocks84]

Fuming! Help me to find a way to manage this so the kids get what they'd like and I dont lose my mind.

Ex quite controlling (hence ex). He makes a lot more money than me. We do 50:50. Every term he signs the kids up to do activities on the days the kids are with me, without consulting me. He then demands that I take the kids and that I pay him.

This term he's really extended on this theme by booking the kids into activities that take 4 hours each at the weekend, often at the same time and in different places. This is on top of two weeknight classes both on my contact days. He's also demanding that on weekends that he has the kids, I help with lifts.

I love my kids. I want them to do nice things that they enjoy (and that I couldn't afford for them). I just want to be ASKED FIRST.

Feel this puts me in a horrible bind because I want the kids to enjoy their hobby but also I dont want him to feel he can continue to dictate what kids and i do with our money and time now that we've separated.

We have been separated for years. Have asked time and again for him to consult me. Usually end up meeting him in the middle re costs and logistics to make it not awkward for the kids.

How do I stop this nonsense? Is there anything I can try to make him respect my time and role more?

This is not a good idea. They will feed this back to the other parent, who will give them their version of events and you can be sure it won't correlate. This will end up with your DC being stuck in the middle of horrible triangulation which is really damaging.

That's not what your DC need to hear.

Irrelevant. It’s OP time, he doesn’t get to decide to sign the kids up without consulting her.

If ex blames her, OP is allowed to say no, that is wrong, this is what happened.

It’s the children’s time with the parent, not the other way round. They’re not dogs. If the activity is something very important to them, then it’d be churlish of OP to refuse it just because her ex signed them up. She could find they prefer to live with her ex as teens if that’s the scenario.

Yes OP is allowed to say that, but that just perpetuates the triangulation....

Some of this depends on what pattern of custody you have. If everything completely alternates, then some children might never get to do activities. But if he has them e.g. every Wednesday and Thursday, it would be reasonable to expect him to only sign up for activities on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

Is your expectation that they don't do any activities at the weekends due to you alternating, or just that he has signed them up for more than you can commit to and without your agreement?

not to sound flippant, but if you demonstrate self respect and self confidence then that is the best way to ensure that your kids grow up to respect you. unlike your ex who is behaving despicably and acting like you are his subordinate.

i put yabu because i can’t believe youve been going along with this and feeling like you even need to defend your stance. just ignore him! presumably since he was the one who signed up for those activities then he will be the one who will be chased down for payments, not you.

I don’t think that would be the case of it’s done appropriately. The OP says it’s been going on for many years which makes me think the kids are at least 10+ and that she was in a controlling relationship. I think it would demonstrate that abusive behaviour should not be hushed up and people shouldn’t suffer in silence. This man is still controlling the OP’s time and money. He is being abusive.

Just tell them he doesn't get to tell you what do and vice versa.

Don't overthink it. He's in the wrong.

Never badmouth him, it's not fair on the kids, but you can say 'Dad's not allowed to arrange things on the weekends you're with me'.

This!

If you alternate weeks, it’s not fair to refuse all clubs they might want to do, if you could get them there.

Have you got any idea how brutal family court proceedings can get? How destructive to a coparenting relationship, even a very imperfect one like this? I find your comment staggeringly stupid. This does not meet the threshold for court proceedings, not even close.

Op don’t get caught uo in a power battle. He won’t be able to control you forever, your decisions need to be made strictly on what you think is in your kids best interests. If that means he gets away with being controlling towards you sometimes then my advice is just swallow it, stay focused on the kids. I say this after being caught in a horrendous situation with an ex who was impossible to coparent with and very controlling, in hindsight I could have picked my battles more but I wanted him to know that he couldn’t control me. Things just escalated, I regret pushing back as much as I did in hindsight. And definitely don’t start pulling your kids into it, that is stupid advice and will backfire horribly.

A friend had this and when it went to court, the judge said that whilst it was in the children's interests to support them in their hobbies and sports, it was not within the power of one parent to dictate that the other had to take them and pay for the activities. In the end it was agreed that dad paid (rubgy), that the activity was done 3 weekends a month and that HE had to come and collect and take children if it was mother’s custodial weekend - and that weekend activity was booked by prior agreement. The novelty eventually wore off and it ended up being on his weekends only, holiday rugby camps on his weeks and after school training that he took them to and returned them home afterwards.

I’d state that you may need to go to court and ask a judge to rule on what s/he feels is fair and reasonable wrt the children’s interests and mother’s finances. At the very least, the court may decide he has to pay.

Put all that ⬆️ in writing (keep copies) as well as ‘telling’.

Again, OP has to be consulted. She may have other commitments, she needs to know in advance.

This is also a form of control over OP.

Lol he's demanding money? Send the laughing emoji and block him

Just say no.

He's blackmailing you "because it's for the kids"

But it isn't really, he just wants the control/ power.

I would bet there's suitable activities he could sign them up for that are only in his custody time. But that won't fit his agenda.

He doesn't get to say what you do in your time with the kids. Just as you don't dictate to him what he does.

If he wants to sign them up for something fine, but he pays.

Probably not a good idea, but I can't help but think that if you fake happily gushed with thanks at him booking them in for x hobby, told him how kind it was because you never could have afforded it and how much you're looking forward to seeing them do the hobby. Would he step back or take over to spite you!

Because he keeps doing this and clearly it is a form of control, you need to be firm IMO. Just say no. ‘That is my time so you must wait until they are with you’. On repeat.

If he weaponises the children and gets them to complain, say Daddy can do what he wishes on his time and he and they can do it then. If possible, see if you (you+children) can find an alternative activity to do instead at the same time that they would enjoy so they don’t feel like they are missing out. If they really want to do whatever it is and you can afford it, arrange it yourself - only during times they are with you. If you can’t afford it say no because you can’t afford it.

Even if he is willing to pay for it, due to past poor behaviour I would not be willing to ferry them anywhere on your time to something organised by him on principle, even if that feels harsh for the children. If his main motivation is to control you and try to score points with the children, it’s not actually in the children’s benefit anyway in the long run to do it.

This continues to be a problem because you keep pandering to it. Just stop.

This is purely to control you

Start saying no. Don't pay. Don't take them. Say absolutely not. Let him have his tantrum. Stay firm that your time with the children is not his to control. Say it to him. Do not try to control me.

You need to stop negotiating, stop meeting him the middle. Just stop.

Stick to the court order, or a reasonable split, and then JADE.

Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.

'I've signed the kids up for a 10k, they'll be doing 1 hour training 3 hours away every week for 6 weeks, and we owe 300 each for the trainer'

We already have plans that weekend. I will not be contributing to this or driving them to this training [as specified in our court ordered contact agreement]

And say nothing more. It's not your problem.

If the children ask and if they genuinely want to do it, and you can do it, then perhaps you can drive them on your weekend, but you are not obligated to pay for it if you can't afford it (and you can explain that to the children).

JADE. Grey Rock. These two things are the only way to deal with controlling narcissists, and people who haven't encountered these people don't understand that there's no point trying to reason with them, it doesn't work.

Let him know that ...Anything he's books and pays for without prior consent does not need to be refunded. And from hereon in you will not be.
He cannot dictate repayments for something yoy haven't consented to or budgeted for. If he wants to book something then thats on him to organise lifts, only help on his weeks IF he is prepared to do the same for you .

Fuel cost is a valid reason for a start. and its dads time therefore it up ti dad to organise. So you have already put plans in place for those days.

How old are your kids?
I doubt they’ll be totally unaware of the situation. An age appropriate explanation may help them manage concerns they already have.