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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Coparent keeps signing kids up to activities on my parenting time, then demanding money

58 replies

hotrocks84 · 19/04/2026 21:51

Fuming! Help me to find a way to manage this so the kids get what they'd like and I dont lose my mind.

Ex quite controlling (hence ex). He makes a lot more money than me. We do 50:50. Every term he signs the kids up to do activities on the days the kids are with me, without consulting me. He then demands that I take the kids and that I pay him.

This term he's really extended on this theme by booking the kids into activities that take 4 hours each at the weekend, often at the same time and in different places. This is on top of two weeknight classes both on my contact days. He's also demanding that on weekends that he has the kids, I help with lifts.

I love my kids. I want them to do nice things that they enjoy (and that I couldn't afford for them). I just want to be ASKED FIRST.

Feel this puts me in a horrible bind because I want the kids to enjoy their hobby but also I dont want him to feel he can continue to dictate what kids and i do with our money and time now that we've separated.

We have been separated for years. Have asked time and again for him to consult me. Usually end up meeting him in the middle re costs and logistics to make it not awkward for the kids.

How do I stop this nonsense? Is there anything I can try to make him respect my time and role more?

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 19/04/2026 21:55

You just tell him that if he wants to book activities, he pays for them unless you’ve expressly agreed in advance to split the cost and that you’ll accommodate them if you can on your days unless you’ve been part of the conversation and agreed in advance to accommodate the activities.

He can’t dictate that you take them anywhere on your time and certainly not that you help him with lifts on your child free weekends! If he couldn’t make it work to get the kids to both activities then why the hell did he sign them up in the first place?!

RandomMess · 19/04/2026 21:55

You put in a boundary and say no.

Tell the DC up front that you can’t afford X anymore so daddy will have to pay.

Insist on using a Co-parenting app admissible in court for ALL contact and tell him going forward you cannot afford and you will not be giving lifts in your time for things he books without your consent.

Jaxinabox · 19/04/2026 21:57

You just say no. I don’t want to sound blunt but that’s the answer. He’s not in charge of you, your time or your money. Say no.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 19/04/2026 21:57

You have to say no 🤷‍♀️

He’s doing this to get to you and it’s working.

It’s hard when the kids are in the middle but what he’s doing is wrong. Just tell him you’ll do what you want with the kids on your time.

INeedAnotherName · 19/04/2026 21:58

Court.

It's your only option if he isn't listening. And stop running around after him, I bet he doesn't even offer petrol money. He is still controlling your time and your money with an added layer of emotional blackmail "bc it's for the kids".

Bunnybackinherwarren · 19/04/2026 21:59

A judge would tell him to stop making plans for the dc while they are with you.
The dc don't need to be so busy.

KarmenPQZ · 19/04/2026 22:16

Do the kids want to do them?

what do you mean when you say booking them in ‘your time’. Do you alternate days so a Tuesday would be his one week and yours the next? Or do the activities need several sessions a week? If either of these are true then he’d never be able to book them only on ‘his time’

but really I think it comes down to whether the kids want to do them or not

Original poster
hotrocks84 · 19/04/2026 22:24

Am definitely planning to tell him to sling his hook! And that he needs to respect the custody arrangement.

Could do with advice on how to explain this to the kids. Have told them in the past I cant afford stuff and they're fine with that. But what I need is an explanation for the kids about why I won't be ferrying them on their weekends with dad. I'm really worried that he'll say oh your mum had the chance to see you play today, but she said no, so now you can't go. Not sure what to do about that.

OP posts:
goodnightssleepbenice · 19/04/2026 22:50

God he’s an arse ! Controlling what you do on your child free days ! How old are the dc ?

SarahAndQuack · 19/04/2026 22:59

This would really piss me off too. I understand why people are mentioning kicking up a fuss or even court - but I wonder if it's worth just trying to show him what it feels like 1) to be told no and 2) to have it done to him?

What happens if you keep replying 'oh, we have plans then'? It could just be a walk with a friend; it doesn't have to be an expensive alternative, but if the children get another activity and you get to guard your time?

If you wanted to really make your point, I'd be awfully tempted to text him next time there's a volunteer litter pick or a sponsored walk or whatever on his day, and tell him you've booked the kids in. There must be things that are free or cheap, that you automatically rule out for the children because they fall on his days.

INeedAnotherName · 19/04/2026 22:59

If they are old enough to understand you can't afford their hobby groups then they will understand the rising costs of petrol due to the war. Even the government is talking about the possibility of something for carers who have to travel miles in their job despite being low paid.

What was the custody arrangement regarding your time and clubs?

Pashazade · 19/04/2026 23:00

You just say on Daddy’s weekends he has to look after you and do everything for you, it’s not fair for me to use up Daddy's time with you in the same way that I do everything with you when it’s our time togwther and I want to spend that time as just us. That’s how it is.
Don’t explain further, you’re not obliged to.

HelenaWaiting · 19/04/2026 23:01

KarmenPQZ · 19/04/2026 22:16

Do the kids want to do them?

what do you mean when you say booking them in ‘your time’. Do you alternate days so a Tuesday would be his one week and yours the next? Or do the activities need several sessions a week? If either of these are true then he’d never be able to book them only on ‘his time’

but really I think it comes down to whether the kids want to do them or not

Did it really need this much analysis? The OP was perfectly clear.

YayRain · 19/04/2026 23:34

Just explain to the kids that their father signed them up, he didn't ask you first, and you can't afford it or don't want to do it. Tell them that x is what you will be doing instead.

Vaxtable · 19/04/2026 23:35

You tell your kids the truth, Dad keeps signing you up but I can’t afford to pay, so sorry it cannot happen unless Dad is prepared to pay for it all. Then tell your ex that’s what you have said and it’s up to him to decide if he wants to pay it all or not as you simply can’t afford it

as to when they do stuff on his time, that’s what you tell him. Sorry ex it’s your time and I have made other plans so it’s up to you to sort, on repeat

Checkinginagain · 19/04/2026 23:49

Sorry OP, he’s an absolute dick. But this is a problem that’s not a problem- just say no. I’d shrug and say “how odd of you to book things on days they’re not with you… anyway…”

This is such a non issue. He wants it to be an issue for you. Ignore him.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 20/04/2026 00:04

NO is a complete sentence.

Tell him that if he wants to sign them up he should do it during his time with the kids and pay for it. If he books them for another activity during your time tell you will now be taking them or paying and mean it.

I get what you mean about the kids but standing your ground dance to his controlling tune.

KoalaKoKo · 20/04/2026 00:24

That is ridiculous. Do they do any activities on his days?

Lmnop22 · 20/04/2026 11:19

hotrocks84 · 19/04/2026 22:24

Am definitely planning to tell him to sling his hook! And that he needs to respect the custody arrangement.

Could do with advice on how to explain this to the kids. Have told them in the past I cant afford stuff and they're fine with that. But what I need is an explanation for the kids about why I won't be ferrying them on their weekends with dad. I'm really worried that he'll say oh your mum had the chance to see you play today, but she said no, so now you can't go. Not sure what to do about that.

I really hope he wouldn’t say to the kids that you deliberately chose not to see them because that’s manipulative and vile.

BUT, if he does just say to the kids “that’s not true. Mummy’s weekends are for mummy to spend time with you and Daddy’s weekends are for Daddy to spend time with you and that’s the way it has to be”

RandomMess · 20/04/2026 13:24

On your time with Dad I’m busy doing other things so I’m not available to anything else.

Inthenameoflove · 20/04/2026 13:53

I’m sure people with reasonable ex’s who coparen amicably come to all sorts of arrangements. But with your ex I suggest you make a hard divide- hobbies done in his parenting time are chosen, paid for and facilitated by him, hobbies done in your parenting time are chosen, paid for and facilitated by you. No exceptions.

BelBridge · 20/04/2026 13:57

How old are your children? Can you just be honest with them and say that their father is doing this to put pressure on and control you?

nomas · 20/04/2026 14:02

What a toaster. Tell him to get lost.

GoldDuster · 20/04/2026 14:04

Is there anything I can try to make him respect my time and role more?

In short, no.

You can't control what he does, but you can control what you do. I have had years of attempted nonsense from exH which has been brought to a minimum with firm business like boundaries, but he still a couple of times a year will try to behave like a regional manager dealing with their PA.

There is only one way, that doesn't work for me, that's not going to be possible.

Practice makes perfect. He will kick off but remain calm and firm and polite and over time with repetition he will learn that it's not going to work. Currently he's got you on the end of a string and it's been working for years, you get to choose if you stay there.

Explain to the children that you can't afford it, and that's ok, that's life. Don't let him manipulate you using them and your guilt.

Sunshinecraving · 20/04/2026 14:04

More context needed.

If he’s signing them up for flower arranging, Mongolian throat singing and Japanese embroidery on a whim then YANBU.

If they’re county level at a sport they want to play professionally, and he’s already taking them three nights a week, then YABU.