to be sad visiting friends haven’t bothered to make plans?

[ScullyD]

I used to live in another country in Europe. I met Jenny at work and we hit it off. For the next 1 1/2 years I’d say she was one of my closest friends during that time. I also got to know her husband James who was from the US.

She ended up moving to be with him 10 years ago to the US. They’ve visited once since then. Now weirdly James is the one that has kept in touch. I with some sadness realised that Jenny mostly saw me as a situational work colleague however close. A few months ago a friend died and James sent condolences and we caught up as we do every few months.

so last week he messages saying they’re going to be in my city in the UK for 3 days! I was amazed and so excited. He said he would let me know where they were staying and I said I would love to see them so send their plans etc. well he never came back to me and I know they arrived today. They’ve been posting stories so definitely ‘online’

i actually feel sad. Like they are right here and I always hoped I’d see them again but no effort is being made.AIBU to think after this I don’t really want to stay in touch? It just seems so stupid.

You have two options ignore them and don’t stay in contact or message and say if your free let me know it would be lovely to see you.

If they don’t reply no skin off your back and goes down the route you were planning. If they make time and meet up access how you feel. What if they have just been a bit rubbish but do want to stay in contact. Sometimes plans and life gets in the way.

If you are done then just let it fizzle out but if you do actually like them is it worth one more chance?

I mean they live in the US and we keep in touch, so the idea of them coming to my city in the UK and not trying to meet up is ludicrous. I live in a smallish city btw so they are probably like 15 mins away tops!

the thing is I already said twice I would love to see them. At this point I feel like another message looks like begging? I find myself wondering what the silence is about.

I think I would struggle to accept ‘oh sorry X came up’ when we quite literally only see each other a couple of times a decade.

Some people wait until they get to a place before making plans - happened to me last year. Old friends from a place I lived in before were coming to my city. they were here for four days and said they would let me know. It got to the morning of the third day and I thought to myself: "Well that's a shame, but hey ho." Then about an hour later I had a message from the husband saying: "Sorry for not getting back to you sooner, it's all been family high jinks at our end and people changing their plans on us! Are you free either this afternoon/evening or tomorrow? Sorry for short notice, but hoping that as it's the weekend you might have time for a quick drink? It's just been a whirlwind!"

I sent a message straight back telling them I would meet them at the local pub (they didn't know it but my home was five minutes' walk from their hotel) in an hour if they could make it. And they did - we spent four lovely hours, enjoying some wine in the sunshine and catching up on news. Anything less than a week is a really short time to spend anywhere and if it used to be their base then they will definitely be deluged by people wanting to meet, as was the case with my friends and family comes first! I hope they get in touch tonight to sort out something before they leave in two days time.

I’ve been your friends, travelling back to my hometown. There are always people I don’t end up seeing to the point I ensure that no one knows when I’m coming home in case I upset anyone. It could just be a case of time constraints. It’s never one hour it ends up being 4/5. it’s probably not a reflection of their feelings about you but a general logistics issue.

Absolutely no need to name them, even if fake names.

They’re probably very busy and are not bothered about seeing you. I know from personal experience how impossible it is to see everyone that wants to see you on a short visit.

@MaggieBsBoat my city isn’t their hometown though. They’re on holiday checking out this city.

really would have been better if he hadn’t messaged keen and said he’ll get back to me as it just leads to disappointment regardless of the reason.

I don’t think I can do not seeing them then back to keeping in touch when they’re across continents. It doesn’t chime with me.

@Arlanymor i suppose I’ll see what happens. I kept my schedule as clear as I could during these few days and feel silly for doing that now.

if they don’t get in touch by tonight I’ll assume it’s not happening.

Well I hope it's just that they are in a flurry and everything is a bit of a moving feast. My friends got in touch with me on the penultimate day - which for you would be tomorrow and if they only just arrived today they could also be knackered etc. I hope they do get in touch - don't feel daft for keeping your schedule clear, fill it with moveable bits and pieces if you can so that you are not waiting around. I really hope you get the chance to say hello to them soon.

Thanks. Well I’ll try to keep an open mind.

i think if they don’t message again at all that would be the red line for me. I’m also really busy at work so only have so much time to dedicate to seeing them. I’ll see what happens in the next day.

Edited as others said the same!

If I was to hear nothing, that would be it, especially as he initiated a probable meet up. I would 💯 cut contact from them.

I agree with you totally OP. If they don’t reach out whilst they’re in your city what’s the bloody point in messaging for decades on end?

If you don’t meet now, you never will.

If James then gets in touch in the future I would be inclined to say ‘Hi James, surprised to hear from you. I kept those three days clear in my diary when you and Jenny came to Bath back in spring. I assumed we were meeting up? I said a few times it would be wonderful to see you, but…nothing. Hope you had a good trip.’

And I’d leave it at that.

I hear you, OP. It is completely normal and understandable to feel hurt in that situation.
I’m not sure I’d bother to keep in touch anymore. Sorry 🙁

Maybe James was keen and hadn’t discussed it with Jenny? Then Jenny was not so keen? It doesn’t sound like you were really that close to Jenny over the years.

Say they've gone to York. A zillion people will have said "Check out the Minster, check out Yorvik, check out Betty's, you must do the walls, you must have a steak here, don't forget to go to Bishopthorpe to see the bishop's Palace and walk along the river." Plus "Our auntie Mabel lives in Illkley and I'm there that weekend, you must pop up and see us both". Even without friends/family in that city, you are fully booked time wise without even breathing....

that’s the weird bit. I was closest to Jenny. Very close. Then she stopped keeping in touch while James has consistently been a decent friend.

she sometimes likes my posts but that’s about it. It did surprise me. I last met up with her 8 years ago when she was last in the UK (I travelled to another city to meet them).

I think after 10 years it’s time to realise you’re not a priority for them sadly. I‘m not sure why you would let yourself get excited to see them.

If James doesn’t reach out, he’s a knob for saying he would.

I'd bow out even if James contacts you as Jenny is clearly not interested. You are flogging a dead horse just stop

Yep agree with most of the sentiments here!

going to hang fire now and see if they get in touch by tonight or tomorrow. Agree James should come back to me either way like he said he would.

@Tontostitis to be fair, I’m not flogging a dead horse. James has mostly kept in touch with me and I’ve been receptive but I do feel he’s been the one keen to keep it going.

we’re a continent apart but I do care for both of them. Jenny did congratulate me on something about a year ago but that’s been it.

OP, gently, this is a bit mad. You were close briefly over a decade ago, you both moved away from where you met, you haven’t seen Jenny in eight years because she lives on another continent, and even though she was more your friend at the time when you lived in the same place, her husband has been the one to keep in touch more and she hasn’t really and it’s just liking SM posts, not phone calls— of course they’re not going to prioritise seeing you when they’re in your city for three days! Can’t you accept that some friendships are situational?

@SadBoys I disagree with you. James and I keep in touch quite often. And he reached out to me and further said he’d come back to make the plan.

you make it sound like I’m mad for expecting a bit of decency here? It would be different if neither had kept in touch, they do live a continent away so it’s normal for large gaps to happen.

re Jenny losing interest, there are some people who treat an overseas friendship as a temporary convenience, I wouldn’t take it to heart. You are clearly a lovely person for James to stay in touch for so long.

Can’t you accept that some friendships are situational?

Eh? Her opening post clearly says ‘I with some sadness realised that Jenny mostly saw me as a situational work colleague however close.’

It’s James who got her hopes high here.