to be sad visiting friends haven’t bothered to make plans?

[ScullyD]

I used to live in another country in Europe. I met Jenny at work and we hit it off. For the next 1 1/2 years I’d say she was one of my closest friends during that time. I also got to know her husband James who was from the US.

She ended up moving to be with him 10 years ago to the US. They’ve visited once since then. Now weirdly James is the one that has kept in touch. I with some sadness realised that Jenny mostly saw me as a situational work colleague however close. A few months ago a friend died and James sent condolences and we caught up as we do every few months.

so last week he messages saying they’re going to be in my city in the UK for 3 days! I was amazed and so excited. He said he would let me know where they were staying and I said I would love to see them so send their plans etc. well he never came back to me and I know they arrived today. They’ve been posting stories so definitely ‘online’

i actually feel sad. Like they are right here and I always hoped I’d see them again but no effort is being made.AIBU to think after this I don’t really want to stay in touch? It just seems so stupid.

It’s got nothing to do with ‘decency’. These are just people you were briefly close to over a decade ago. They’re not wrong for not phoning you all the time.

But James is equally situational. They knew each other because they all lived in the same place before James and Jenny moved to the US ten years ago.

I agree James is situational too but I don’t think OP would have asked when he is planning to visit. He over promised:

so last week he messages saying they’re going to be in my city in the UK for 3 days! I was amazed and so excited. He said he would let me know where they were staying

Honestly it sounds like you value this friendship more than them.

It sounds like you weren’t friends for ages before they moved to the US, and that was a decade ago and you’ve have minimal contact since.

It may be that they see you as someone they were friends with, quite a long time ago, and you aren’t a priority. I know that sounds harsh but it’s just the reality of friendships and people do move on. It’s likely nothing personal at all.

I moved away from where I grew up and it can feel like a lot of pressure to try and see everyone when I go back. I will often just see family or one or two best friends - I don’t always have time to see people who I’m not as close to.

I realise they aren’t from where you live but I’m guessing they may been to other places in the UK to see friends/family and have a hectic schedule overall for their trip to the UK. Maybe they just haven’t had much time to contact old friends and organise anything, or now they are here they just want some downtime and to relax by themselves. This might be their only abroad trip/extended period of leave so they might want time to relax as a couple too.

I know it might seem weird to you that they've not made plans to meet up given they spend so little time in your area, however they will have a lot of other friends and family to see, probably, and if you were just a situational work colleague (even though you've kept in touch with her partner), you're probably just not that high up the list unfortunately.

It almost certainly isn't anything personal! They have very limited time, a lot to do, they'll be knackered by the travelling. A 3 day visit, when battling jet lag, is horrendous.

EDIT: Are you sure that Jenny even knows James has kept in touch with you? Perhaps she's not too keen on that, and it would look odd to her if he suggested meeting up with you?

So you were only friends with Jenny for 18 months and she was basically a work colleague? I mean, that doesn't really scream very, very close friendship. She enjoyed it at the time, as did you. You had things in common at the time but her life has moved on and you haven't seen each other in ages. Even long standing childhood friendships fizzle out. She might also not be particularly over the moon about James messaging you independently.

Maybe Jenny isn't keen on James having an ongoing friendship with you? If you haven't seen them for years and never been around them much together, there could well be dynamics in their relationship you are unaware of? Perhaps he has form for being super friendly with her female friends?

Jenny wasn’t just a work colleague. We met at work, clicked immediately and became very close. I invited her into my friend group at the time, so then her and James became a firm part of it. We were confidantes and did a lot together.

you may be right - she may not be happy about James messaging me. For me it’s been nice to occasionally see how Jenny’s doing even via him because I still care about her.

I don't suppose she's happy about it for one single minute and I think you're being naive here. Also, you invited her to your friend group etc a decade ago and you didn't know her for that long or that well in the first place. She's (literally) in a different place now.

What’s the harm in sending them a message asking if we are still meeting up?

I’ve no difficulty believing you were very close, but it was a long time ago in friendship terms and that closeness hasn’t been maintained.

I mean, I get that it’s sad to discover a friendship you thought would last was purely situational for the other person — I had a very close postgrad friend for a couple of years, but when he got a fellowship at another college about a mile down the road, he literally never got in touch again, and I realised, embarrassed, that I’d been leaving him periodic answerphone messages for months that he never responded to. For him it was just that I was at hand. I was hurt at the time, especially when I ran into him eight or ten months later and he behaved as though he’d seen me the day before.

So I do sympathise. But it doesn’t make the situational friend a bad person.

I'm starting to think most friendships are situational OP. My mum is getting on and recently moved to the same village as my siblings and my brother is surprised that her oldest friend hasn't been in touch for months. It's a friendship of 40+ years standing. They were very close and lived literally round the corner from each other, often spent new year's together, went to each others children's weddings etc but now, radio silence.

Maybe she used you for an insta-ready friendship group.

I had a year abroad via uni, we had a Canadian 'friend' who did the same. It happens.

I've had this situation a couple of times: a friend not seen for years visiting my city, the message wanting to meet up, I clear the decks and then... radio silence. So after that, I put precisely as much effort into maintaining that friendship. I know it can be hard to see everyone and plans don't always work out but no communication at all is just inconsiderate.

Well they both got in touch in the end so there’s a lesson for me. Meeting in the next day or two. Very happy.

SO PLEASED! That's a brilliant update and thank you for coming back to let us know. Hurrah! Restores faith in friendship a bit doesn't it? Hope you have a fabulous time!

That's great news, OP. I hope all goes well.

just seen your update, glad that it's worked out!

Thanks everyone. Need to learn a bit of patience and the wait and see method with these things before assuming bad intentions.

Oh, good.

Aww, nice one.

Hope you have a lovely catch up and you can show off your city. They've obviously taken a day to settle in before making plans and haven't thought about you waiting to hear from them. Lucky you have made space in your diary.

Love a happy ending! I’m a person who returns to the UK and over-promises. I always forget to factor in jet lag and needing a bit of time to relax/sleep! Glad they are better than me.
Hope you have a lovely time together.

It seems very odd that he made a point of telling you all about the trip including dates they are here and now nothing
Its almost like they are wanting you to keep chasing a meet up but why should you do all the running? Its very one sided. Id message one last time and say ive seen your posts and glad you arrived safely, as your only down the road we should make the most of it and meet up before you head home , leave it at that and if theres no reply id simply not bother with them again .

Jennie thinks you are trying to steal her DH as he has been keeping in touch with you while she didn’t bother. She now won’t let him arrange for you all to meet up because of this. You are better off without her as she sounds silly and immature. Pity about her DH but he won’t go against his DW in this.

Edit: just seen your update! Glad I was wrong, hope the meeting goes well.