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AIBU?

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SEN Child school options help!

120 replies

angelofmydreams1981 · 19/04/2026 14:18

Hi all,

I’d really appreciate some advice from those who’ve been through similar, as we’re feeling quite stuck.

Our daughter (Year 6) is autistic (currently going through the EHCP process, not finalised yet). She’s bright and has always been in mainstream, but masks heavily and has recently burnt out quite badly. She’s been off school for a few weeks but is planning to return to her prep school next week for the summer term - her decision.

The difficulty is Year 7 in September.

Her current school (independent prep feeding into senior) has already been too much for her in terms of pressure, expectations and lack of flexibility. They are not offering any adjustments from the start (e.g. later starts/reduced timetable), and we know that senior school will just be more of the same, if not harder. They’ve indicated there is no flex on timetable.

We do have an offer from another independent mainstream school. She did some taster days there and genuinely liked it. There are quite a few SEN children and the staff seem experienced and more understanding it’s also very small like 8 per class. It feels like a potentially “softer” environment.

However:

  • She is very attached to her current school and friendship group
  • She is currently saying that if she doesn’t go to the senior school with her friends, she won’t go to school at all
  • She masks a lot and won’t ask for help, so we worry she’ll push herself wherever she is

The other school need a firm decision now for September, and if we accept we’re committing financially. If we decline, we lose the place as they have a waiting list.

EHCP won’t be resolved before September and I’m aware appeals etc could take a long time, so we can’t rely on that in the short term.

I suppose my questions are:

  • Would you prioritise a potentially better-fit environment over friendships, given the burnout?
  • Has anyone moved a child at this stage who was initially resistant and it worked out?
  • Or stuck with the known school for friendships and regretted it I know that’s not an option.
  • Any experience of SEN children coping better in a slightly less academic / more flexible independent setting?

I’m very conscious that a year out of school or refusal would be really difficult to come back from, so we do feel we need a workable option for September rather than waiting for the EHCP process to play out I know we’d have to appeal for the potential right setting.

Would really value any experiences or perspectives.

Thank you

OP posts:
ChasingMoreSleep · 22/04/2026 13:03

As well as the EP assessment, have you also had other assessments such as OT (including looking at the sensory side of things) and SALT (and maybe CP &/or psychiatrist)? If not, request those ASAP.

angelofmydreams1981 · 22/04/2026 16:24

@ChasingMoreSleepyes I’ve sent OT to the LA and SaLT relatively recent - not even sure her current school have read them. High sensory sensitivity. Masking etc. Selective mutism.

I have a psychiatric appointment privately coming up on 28th April been very hard to find a Psychiatrist, on waiting list for CAHMS.

OP posts:
angelofmydreams1981 · 23/04/2026 16:28

We’ve now had the Educational Psychologist report as part of DD’s EHCP assessment and I’d really value any further views.

i think the EP report is actually very good and strongly recognises masking. It says her main area of need is SEMH through the lens of autism. It describes her as appearing fine in school but heavily masking, with high internalised anxiety, emotional exhaustion and dysregulation showing more at home. It links her anxiety closely to perceived demands, reduced control and environments that don’t feel psychologically safe.

A big point is that it feels like it’s not actually “school” she can’t do, but the cumulative demands around it. For example, she managed lessons fine this week, but became really distressed over things like being expected to go on stage in assembly and even choosing “summer goals.” Small routine demands seem to build up and become overwhelming.

The report says she needs:

  • low demand environment
  • smaller classes
  • flexibility and some self-directed learning
  • trusted/key adults
  • discreet support that doesn’t make her feel different
  • nurturing relational approach
  • soft start to the day
  • daily check-ins and weekly 1:1 emotional support
  • enhanced transition support to secondary

It does NOT suggest full-time 1:1 TA or necessarily a highly specialist placement. It says with the right support and carefully planned reintegration she should be able to manage in a school environment.

our view in the report is basically that she needs a small, low-pressure, SEN-aware school where she won’t be “othered,” rather than a big rigid mainstream

as mentioned DD is emotionally attached to the traditional school because of friends/familiarity and says if she doesn’t go there she won’t go to school at all. But my gut says the smaller flexible school is the better long-term fit.

The EP report doesn’t really scream “specialist school only,” and I think we’d struggle to get specialist anyway.

OP posts:
ChasingMoreSleep · 23/04/2026 19:39

I don’t think the secondary of the current school will be willing to make the adjustments needed.

I appreciate you have summarised points for a post on a forum, but you really need to look closely at the report. It needs to be detailed, specified and quantified. Think about who, what, when, where, how long for, frequency… Look for woolly and vague wording such as “access to”, “or equivalent”, “opportunities for”, “as appropriate”, “would benefit from”, “regular”, “up to”, “would be useful/helpful”, “such as”, “e.g.”, “etc.”, “as required”, “as advised”, “key adult(s)”, “small group”.

To give some examples of what I mean, what is ‘smaller’? Your definition will not be the same as the LA’s definition and this will be important if you want to pursue an independent MS in section I. What is ‘some’? What ‘adults’? Job title and training/qualifications and experience. How long will the weekly 1:1 emotional support be for, and what exactly will it entail and who will deliver it? What will enhanced transition entail?

Arran2024 · 23/04/2026 19:58

If you have the ehc plan, the LA will send it to your chosen school to see if they can meet the requirements in it. I am assuming that the current school will say no, but what about the other school you like? Do you think it will say yes?

Sometimes the schools that parents want under an ehc are unsuitable and the LA will refuse to name them.

Then the LA will suggest schools it does think are more suitable.

But maybe the school says yes and you get it named

Thing is, you currently don't have the ehc. It sounds like the current school is a definite no in that case but would the other school work if you don't get an ehc? Do you actually need an ehc if this school agrees to the things you want? I know you wouldn't get SALT or OT but it can be hard to get these added anyway.

angelofmydreams1981 · 24/04/2026 10:26

The EP report itself feels strong in terms of understanding her presentation (masking, anxiety linked to demand, reduced control, psychological safety etc.) and it definitely supports the need for a smaller, low-demand, relational environment.

Where I can see your point is that some of the actual provision wording could be tighter. For example it talks about enhanced transition, soft starts, weekly 1:1 emotional support, trusted adults, smaller classes and flexibility, but some of that could probably be more specific in terms of who/what/how often.

At the moment we are still pre-draft and it has to go to panel, so I haven’t had the actual draft EHCP yet. My plan was to wait for that and then really go through Section F carefully rather than trying to push the EP too hard now, especially as I’m conscious I don’t want to over-medicalise things or make an independent mainstream placement feel unrealistic if actually the right fit is a smaller flexible school rather than specialist. I’ve thought long and hard about specialist and it’s just too far in the other direction to me.

So I think the priority is probably tightening provision rather than trying to force a specialist placement argument at this stage. I hope I have this right for her

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 24/04/2026 10:43

angelofmydreams1981 · 24/04/2026 10:26

The EP report itself feels strong in terms of understanding her presentation (masking, anxiety linked to demand, reduced control, psychological safety etc.) and it definitely supports the need for a smaller, low-demand, relational environment.

Where I can see your point is that some of the actual provision wording could be tighter. For example it talks about enhanced transition, soft starts, weekly 1:1 emotional support, trusted adults, smaller classes and flexibility, but some of that could probably be more specific in terms of who/what/how often.

At the moment we are still pre-draft and it has to go to panel, so I haven’t had the actual draft EHCP yet. My plan was to wait for that and then really go through Section F carefully rather than trying to push the EP too hard now, especially as I’m conscious I don’t want to over-medicalise things or make an independent mainstream placement feel unrealistic if actually the right fit is a smaller flexible school rather than specialist. I’ve thought long and hard about specialist and it’s just too far in the other direction to me.

So I think the priority is probably tightening provision rather than trying to force a specialist placement argument at this stage. I hope I have this right for her

Reports from professionals do say things like "would benefit from". The important point is not to just cut and paste this into the EHC - the plan itself has to be more specific to have the legal right to the provision.

So the plan needs to say "will have x...."

ChasingMoreSleep · 24/04/2026 12:03

It isn’t about trying to force agreement for a specialist placement. It is about ensuring the evidence is good so that the EHCP will be good. That applies whatever your preferred placement will be. Provision in EHCPs is based on the evidence. If the evidence is vague and woolly, the EHCP will to be too. A poor EHCP increases the chances of the independent school not being named. If the report is vague and woolly, you should go back to the EP and LA and request it is made detailed, specified and quantified.

Shithotlawyer · 24/04/2026 12:36

I thought that the EP report would be resd by the LA and translated into more specific- so "would benefit from small group sessions" would be turned into "will get 1 x 45 min SALT per week delivered by blah blah specific blah". But they then said they couldn't put anything in that the EP had not specifically recommended and during the parental review stage went back to the EP who tightened the wording. So it's worth querying sooner rather than later as they might only allow you one round of revisions on the final plan and that might not capture everything properly.

Also I'm sorry to keep banging on about it but your latest updates do suggest she needs more help now even before September. Reasonable adjustments in ordinarily available provision (ok they aee a private school but it's a good benchmark) WOULD include being able to skip assemblies or have a soft start or a catch up with form teacher end of day on how things went.... you need to keep pushing them. Doesn't sound like they will get the fundamental need for relational approach but she is still vulnerable.

drspouse · 24/04/2026 15:07

@Shithotlawyer the LEA can further quantify and specify, but they usually throw their hands up and say "computer says no".
Things like how many hours the child needs a 1:1 for might be better specified by an EP but things like how often a reading intervention should take place and who does it are not rocket science.

angelofmydreams1981 · 24/04/2026 16:05

I’m getting so confused here :(

OP posts:
ChasingMoreSleep · 24/04/2026 17:14

OP, it will help you to read the SENCOP as well as IPSEA and SOSSEN’s websites so you can start to understand SEN law. For example, this IPSEA page which confirms the evidence should cover needs, provision and outcomes and be clear, specified and quantified.

Even for things like reading interventions, there needs to be evidence about frequency, length of session, ratio, staffing, etc. whether that is in the initial report or from the LA going back to the EP or other professional for them to clarify further information. To give an example, there is a big difference between 30 mins 1:1 daily from a qualified teacher with training and experience in X and 10 mins in a group of 6 once a week delivered by an ‘adult’ which could be e.g. the receptionist, cleaner or parent volunteer and a different person every time.

AmateurDad · 25/04/2026 00:00

Chocaholick · 19/04/2026 15:46

Let her join her friends and stop mithering her re the diagnosis.

In English, please?

angelofmydreams1981 · 28/04/2026 09:36

Than you @ChasingMoreSleepits so complex. We had a good meeting with the EHCP officer who said to email the EP for them to make change some of the wording but she said nothing would be in the draft that isn’t specific or quantified. She also suggested leaving it open to the panel to decide on specialist or mainstream (we had put small mainstream) she also said that with the small mainstream we had suggested as it’s private but not s41 it prob won’t have to go to tribunal as they could have an internal discussion about it at the senior end, she suggested giving the timings to the schools we want to consult so they can see the draft, finally she said as its transition year they can move quickly and expect all to be in place by September.

my DD is experiencing a lot of anxiety, although we’ve not mentioned the potential school move to her she’s still adamant she’s not moving and it’s now turned from saying she’s not moving to physical pain in her tummy at the thought of leaving her friends as they move to the Senior school and she doesn’t.

OP posts:
ChasingMoreSleep · 28/04/2026 09:48

she said nothing would be in the draft that isn’t specific or quantified.

Do not believe everything the LA say. ^This is highly, highly unlikely to be true. I have seen thousands of EHCPs. Not one has been so good that it doesn’t need any amendments.

Unfortunately, many have to appeal for wholly independent schools.

Don’t just rely on the schools reading the draft. Drafts often don’t include the full accurate picture, I would ensure the schools to ensure they have all the information

angelofmydreams1981 · 28/04/2026 16:06

Thank you @ChasingMoreSleepthe school have said they’ll wait for the local authority to send the paperwork.

the LA officer said there would be nothing that would not be quantified or specific and in turn said if I see anything in the EP report that is not then to comment on it and email the EP back so I have done that.

OP posts:
angelofmydreams1981 · 28/04/2026 16:07

I think I’ll be able to spot if it isn’t specific or quantified … I can of course amend I’m assuming? It can go back and forth?

OP posts:
ChasingMoreSleep · 28/04/2026 16:27

You can propose amendments. You can’t actually just amend. The amendments you propose will need to be based on evidence whether that is the reports directly, addenda, follow up answers or whatever.

After issuing the original draft and giving you at least 15 days to make representations, there is no further requirement for the LA to issue another draft if they aren't going to make any amendments or the amendments made are a result of your representations. (And to add the placement/type of placement.) They can finalise without consulting you again. They do not need your agreement to finalise. Based on Reg 14 and SENCOP 9.125. They only need to issue a revised draft if they propose other amendments.

What LAs say and what they actually do are often two different things.

When the LA formally consults, you should also contact the schools directly. Not just your preferred schools, but any others who have been consulted and any you think may be consulted. It isn’t uncommon for consults to only give part of the picture.

angelofmydreams1981 · 28/04/2026 17:06

ChasingMoreSleep · 28/04/2026 16:27

You can propose amendments. You can’t actually just amend. The amendments you propose will need to be based on evidence whether that is the reports directly, addenda, follow up answers or whatever.

After issuing the original draft and giving you at least 15 days to make representations, there is no further requirement for the LA to issue another draft if they aren't going to make any amendments or the amendments made are a result of your representations. (And to add the placement/type of placement.) They can finalise without consulting you again. They do not need your agreement to finalise. Based on Reg 14 and SENCOP 9.125. They only need to issue a revised draft if they propose other amendments.

What LAs say and what they actually do are often two different things.

When the LA formally consults, you should also contact the schools directly. Not just your preferred schools, but any others who have been consulted and any you think may be consulted. It isn’t uncommon for consults to only give part of the picture.

Thanks for letting me know - I shall get a list of schools from the LA. Your support has been amazing @ChasingMoreSleep

OP posts:
Shithotlawyer · 28/04/2026 19:42

@ChasingMoreSleep is exactly right, we were only allowed one round of representations and they didn't explain to us why they took on some and not others.

drspouse · 28/04/2026 20:07

Shithotlawyer · 28/04/2026 19:42

@ChasingMoreSleep is exactly right, we were only allowed one round of representations and they didn't explain to us why they took on some and not others.

I tend to think it's because they don't bother reading properly. DS EHCP currently has repetitions and contradictions in because they just randomly paste in stuff from anywhere.

ChasingMoreSleep · 28/04/2026 20:24

Even if the LA will discuss amendments with you, I wouldn’t get into a prolonged back and forth situation while delaying finalising. I have seen cases where parents have gone back and forth for months on end. That isn’t to say don’t make representations or don’t try to settle outstanding disputes. What it does mean is months and months aren’t wasted without any provision and without submitting an appeal. If the LA drags out finalising an initial EHCP, the provision in the draft does not legally have to be provided. It isn’t finalised. And often where LAs get involved in a prolonged back and forth, an appeal is still needed. Getting involved in a protracted back and forth delays submitting an appeal.

angelofmydreams1981 · 28/04/2026 22:14

fhe LA said as it’s a transition year they know and know how important it is to get it right - they said even with tribunal it can be very quick as it’s a transition year ..

OP posts:
StartingFreshFor2026 · 28/04/2026 22:24

I'd move her. Think long term, she wil make more friends and keeping her current peer group is pointless if she's so anxious she already can't attend.

ChasingMoreSleep · 28/04/2026 22:26

What LAs say and what they do are often two very different things.

Although an appeal can be prioritised because it is a phase transfer, if the LA agree to issue but you have to appeal the content/placement, by the time you have the right of appeal, the hearing is highly unlikely to be heard this academic year.

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