Am I profiting off DPs death?

[PILEALLTHEPILLSONTHEFLOOR]

I received the £3500 lump sum + £350 x 18 month instalments of widow's bereavement payment from the DWP and someone on MN told me I was profiting off my partner's death even though this is a lot less than he would earn for the next 40 years of his working life. I got the higher amount due to being pregnant at the time.

What else am I supposed to do? Not have paid my mortgage and refuse the money... on principle? He would want me to claim it.

Can never tell if someone is genuinely scandalised or just a deliberate ne'er do well on MN these days

‘Profiting’ !!!!! What an absolutely illogical and disgusting comment. Ignore that idiot, OP.

Can you link to the thread?

I mean yeah - just lost my dad - selling his house for £500,000 will probably pay off our mortgage and do quite a lot of work in the house, but not like I've chosen to murder him to get my inheritance! Some people are just idiots. I'm sorry for you loss.

Some people are just fucking vile OP. When BiL died in a horrific work accident his widow and the HSE took the company to court. She received a hefty compensation award which drew a comment of "well she did well out of that didn't she?" Like I said, fucking vile.

What can I say, OP? Some people are just horrible.

These payments are exactly, as pp have said, what benefits are FOR - to try and help someone in your position get through.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss. What a horrible thing to say. Its hardly a windfall- I imagine you'll need every penny you can get with a little one on the way too.

You know you are not being unreasonable. That is what these benefits are for in times like this. So sorry for your loss.

I can't even find the words that are printable to say what i feel about that poster. OP I am so sorry you lost your husband, please don't give those comments any more head space💐

What a cruel and wicked thing to say. The anonymity of the internet brings out the absolute worst in so many people. They come out with vile stuff that they would hopefully never dream of saying to someone's face You deserve every penny of that money. So sorry for all that you have been through

I wondered if his parents were still alive. Do they have much to do with your DC? Have you talked to them about a headstone or would it feel like overstepping? Maybe you could replace the wooden cross with another temporarily.

I think that, when someone says something that is very clearly outrageously awful, it’s nothing at all to do with you or what’s happening in your life, and everything to do with who they are, as a person. You just happened to be the person they inflicted their awfulness on, on that day.

I also think that you should stop asking yourself if you really have benefited and whether you’ve done something wrong, and start asking yourself what made them such a bitter person that a thought like that would even occur to them.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

Of course you’re not profiting from their death, what a horrible thing to say.

You’ll always get some idiots on any thread 😢

It’s either a lack of cash, or they’re almost in denial and a headstone would be the final acknowledgment that he’s gone, or they consider him to be with them in their hearts, so having a permanent grave marker isn’t a priority for them because they don’t think of him being there.

How much is a new wooden cross? Would it be something you could replace quite easily without them noticing?

He was only in his early 20s when he died so his parents are in their 40s/50s. They actually don't know anything about the pregnancy or the DC and there is very good reason I will not be telling them. They behaved absolutely appallingly after DP died and the harassment and smear campaign, including trying to get me sacked, was incredibly painful for me, publicly accusing me of domestic violence and abuse to the point where some freak 'friends' of his messaged his instagram account accusing me of fucks know what, especially as I tried to be very open, accommodating and compassionate as I felt really awful that their kid had died so horribly. I also feel uneasy about their active use of drugs which is how DP died.

@PILEALLTHEPILLSONTHEFLOOR Firstly I am so sorry for your loss and whoever said this is a total fuckface with no empathy whatsoever. The reason you receive this money is because your husband would never be able to claim the State Pension that he has paid for through his NI. A friend who was recently widowed, was told to claim this by her funeral directors, whilst she did not need it, she used the money each month to buy a treat that her husband would have bought for her in previous times, for her it was a lovely reminder of happier days.

As to the headstone issue, there are a couple of things to be aware of, not pleasant to consider but the ground on the burial plot has to settle and that usually takes at least 12 - 18 months, if you do it sooner, you risk the headstone toppling over. Next depending on how the stone is sourced and carved, it can take several months to complete the job, eg marble may have to be sourced and come from Italy, most stone masons now use computerised kit to carve the name, so that is now the thing that takes the least amount of time.

Replacing the wooden cross myself without asking would be the start of world war 3. They would never accept my money for a headstone. I imagine it may well be the finality of the headstone that is too difficult to bear.

I am happy that the tax I pay goes towards supporting bereaved widows, widowers and children.
I always try to appreciate other people’s perspectives but I can’t understand why anyone would think the opposite.

I cannot make any kind of offer to fund the headstone. If it were up to me, I would pay for a 6'5 life sized marble statue of him!

There was so much unpleasantness and uncivility at the legal proceedings that followed (including being specifically uninvited to the funeral - of course I went anyway) in which DPs family made their feelings very clear. There was a suggestion from his family at the inquest that domestic abuse alleged by them had led to his (accidental overdose) death, which thankfully the coroner dismissed immediately. It was a Jeremy Kyle style inquest. His nan (who I had never previously met) called me nasty and smelly at the inquest. Between the family circus and the feckless 'professionals' stutter as they tried to justify and rationalise their apathy and inaction towards him in his final days, it was all so fucking funny tbh

Although the wooden cross disintegrating is obviously difficult for you to see remember that it's just a reminder of your DP. Sometimes visiting a grave is a comfort but there may be other places where you feel close to him. Sorry for all you have been through, you sound quite compassionate about their grief despite their mistreatment of you.

Ignore that poster. Their opinion doesn’t matter.

What's wrong with people?!

My Mum got that when my dad died. It didn't even cover the cost of his funeral.

People are awful.

Sorry about your partner, OP.

Some people just hate themselves and project it onto others.

My DH and I have had many conversations about ‘what happens when we die’ etc; following MIL death where despite being together over 60 years, FIL seemed to have no clue what she would have wanted to happen regarding funeral arrangements etc and tied himself in knots trying to make sure he planned a funeral that would've made her happy. I’m 11 years younger, than DH; I have the works pension etc. He will have his state pension but nothing else. We had joint life / critical illness cover and this paid out when he was …. well critically ill. The money went into our joint pot as everything does. We have mirror wills and our DD knows where they are. Thankfully he didn’t die and his health has returned to the point where he can function and we can be happy but he can’t work in the physical industry he used to work in.
He has made me promise I will claim anything I can. He also wants to have a ‘pure cremation’ and then use any spare money for me and DD to go on holiday and remember him. He doesn’t care what we do with his ashes but he doesn’t want us to spend a lot putting them somewhere.
Don’t listen to twats on the internet. Wishing you peace and healing.

I am so sorry to hear of this OP. Is there a tree near the site of his grave that you could nominate very unofficially as Daddy's tree. Not to put teddies or flowers near. But more in the spirit of "trees are very strong, they make sure we have clean air to keep us healthy , shelter us when it is too hot or raining and look after us like a daddy does so when we see daddy's tree we can give it a hug to say hello and thankyou"

Mumsnet has definitely become less supportive than it used to be. It is much more angry bunfight than encouraging community. It’s very sad.

I’m so sorry for your loss and that the mumsnetter was so nasty.