To ask you your opinion on this decision about schooling

[AnnaQuayRules]

Not really an AIBU but posting here so that people can vote.

Imagine you have two children. DC1 is very academically able, very confident. Autumn born, one of the tallest in their class. DC2 is not as academic, very quiet and shy. August born and very small for their age anyway, so by far the smallest in their class.

You live in an area where there is a super-selective school nearby. You are very confident that DC1 will secure a place there, but think it very unlikely that DC2 will do so. The alternative catchment school isn't great and you think DC2 will really struggle/get lost in the crowd. You decide that you need to find an alternative school for DC2.

DC1 secures a place at the super selective but you also put them in for an exam at a private school an hour's commute away, which is less selective than the grammar and where you think DC2 will also secure a place, especially with a sibling already there. DC1 sits the exam and scores so highly that they are offered an academic scholarship comprising 50% off the fees.

You aren't that well off so the 50% fee reduction will really help. However, the super selective grammar is, of course, free.

Would you
A/ send DC1 to the grammar and pay for DC2 to go to the private school (AIBU)
B/ send DC1 to the private school as it might increase DC2's chance of getting a place there (YANBU)?

Where does DC1 want to go?

Can you realistically afford B even with one scholarship?

A. If your dc1 can get into the superselective grammar, then great, go for it. Your second child may come into their own once they are out of dc1's shadow, or they may simply surprise you. If not, send them to the school that suits them best. By then, your dc1 will have friends and won't want to move.

To the super selective. Mainly because it's a much shorter journey

I wouldn’t use DC1 as a means to get DC2 into a school, no. DC1 wants to go to grammar, which sounds like academically, a better school, it’s free and they don’t have to commute 2hrs a day. At DC’s private school, all children need to pass the entrance exam to be offered a place, having a sibling there makes no difference at all.

Make the best decision for each child as an individual.
So A.

Definitely A

Well both. So you put child A in for the 11+ if they get in you send them to grammar. You put child 2 in the 11+ and if they get in you send them to grammar, if they don’t you send them private.

Each child is an individual. Do what’s best for them. DC1- super selective. DC2- whatever is best for them when the time comes (they might surprise you!)

What about option C - send them both to a state school? An hour commute to school is a lot. I know you say the local comp isn’t great but are you actually sure? If you happen to be talking about Orpington, there are some really good comprehensives.

Both children need to follow the path that is best for them as individuals. If DC1’s first choice is to go to the super selective grammar then that is where I would send them. Then you can figure out what is best for DC2 and what they want.

i wouldn’t do private and state mix for my kids I think that’s a recipe for resentment on both sides. An hour away means friends are also an hour (at least) away and for a shy less confident child that sounds awful. I’d go local state options for both (we did this) and just use extra funds for top up tuition, out of school clubs etc.

A. If DC2 only gets in on the strength of the sibling connection then it probably isn’t the right place for them anyway. Being at the bottom of a selective school is no fun.

There’s the answer then!

I think by the time children get to secondary school, the choice of school becomes a lot more individual than just picking the school closest that suits the family. Let DC1 go wherever they want and then cross the same bridge when DC2 is at that point!

What would you do if you sent A to the private school and B didn’t get in?

Send A to the super selective, prepare to send B private.

I normally hate the idea of one kid having a private education and the other state, but I think this is one of those fairly rare cases where I’d make an exception.

Does the super selective base their super selection on height?!

It sounds like DC2 needs more investment in their education so I'd send DC1 to grammar and DC2 to private.

You don’t use one child’s education as a stepping stone for the other’s.

Could your august born be held back a year?
I’d send the oldest one the grammar, and wait and start youngest at state school, with a view to move youngest to private in year 8/9 if the state school wasn’t working out / best choice.
Your oldest is at an advantage because they have been born with a genetic mix enabling them to forge ahead. You youngest had the disadvantage of not being as academically able so gets the possible advantage of private school if state secondary doesn’t work out.
life isn’t fair, if it was we’d all be born with the same abilities, loving parents, nurturing environments and excellent schools. But since it isn’t, as parents we do our best to keep things fair. If your eldest finds grammar isn’t a good fit then move him to private.

If DC1 wants to go to the grammar, I don’t see that you have an issue. “The grammar is the default but if you don’t get in we’ll do the private school” is a reasonable stance to have and you can make it clear it applies to both of them. Even at 11 they’ll be old enough to understand it.

The issue with private/not private is usually that one child is missing out somehow. And often it’s the less academically able one (because the more able one is going private and both can’t be afforded) which compounds the unfairness. If both children are getting a desirable education that they’ll be happy with, there’s no issue.

Then do that. It's a good school, so it's not like he's choosing somewhere crap simply because it's closer. Dc1 is not 'a softner' for DC2.

See what suits DC2 best when they are due to go to senior school.

100 per cent option A)

🤣🤣🤣

Of course not. I just mean that DC1 has lots of advantages. They are never going to be perceived as physically "weak" in the way DC2 might be.