To ask you your opinion on this decision about schooling

[AnnaQuayRules]

Not really an AIBU but posting here so that people can vote.

Imagine you have two children. DC1 is very academically able, very confident. Autumn born, one of the tallest in their class. DC2 is not as academic, very quiet and shy. August born and very small for their age anyway, so by far the smallest in their class.

You live in an area where there is a super-selective school nearby. You are very confident that DC1 will secure a place there, but think it very unlikely that DC2 will do so. The alternative catchment school isn't great and you think DC2 will really struggle/get lost in the crowd. You decide that you need to find an alternative school for DC2.

DC1 secures a place at the super selective but you also put them in for an exam at a private school an hour's commute away, which is less selective than the grammar and where you think DC2 will also secure a place, especially with a sibling already there. DC1 sits the exam and scores so highly that they are offered an academic scholarship comprising 50% off the fees.

You aren't that well off so the 50% fee reduction will really help. However, the super selective grammar is, of course, free.

Would you
A/ send DC1 to the grammar and pay for DC2 to go to the private school (AIBU)
B/ send DC1 to the private school as it might increase DC2's chance of getting a place there (YANBU)?

Neither, I’d try and get them both into the grammar. If DC2 doesn’t get in I’d send them to another state school. I don’t think it’s fair to send one to state and one to private, especially if you aren’t really well off, as the whole family will have to make sacrifices to afford the fees.

Jesus

Voted for A. But if there had been a third choice of waiting to see how DC2 shapes up and if appropriate aiming for the grammar, but with private option as back up, I'd have voted for that.
Private school is increasingly a buyer's market with VAT factored in, and if you have a super selective grammar in the area, chances are that's the one that will be difficult to get into. You don't need DC1 to forge the path to the private school for DC2.
Summer-born disadvantage is stark when children are little but it fades as they go the school- by the time you are engaging with senior school options for DC it will be less noticeable than it is today.

Height is irrelevant and being August born is no big deal (I’m August born and was top of my class, academic ability is not driven by birth month so by year 2 any small disadvantage has evened out as they develop at different paces

And thus they should sacrifice themselves for their younger sibling?

The more you post the more I think going to seperate schools may be best in this case. It will allow both children to thrive as individuals not always be compared to each other at school as well as at home

My brother went to the grammar school and my parents were unsure if I would get in so planned for me to go to the local independent if I didn’t. I did get into grammar - I still remember being pissed off at how surprised my mum was when she opened that letter!

I guess it was slightly different as the grammars were single sex so my brother and I were always going to be at different schools. I’d be led by dd1 but probably send her to the state selective school then, if dd2 doesn’t get in (she might catch up and surprise you like I did my mum) then she can go to the independent. I don’t understand shoehorning dc into the same school against what’s best for them individually.

I do not think having a sibling will help dc2 get into the super selective private school

The only thing likely to hold DC2 back is your very obvious perception that they are "less than"

I think you have to work on what is guaranteed now and that is that DC1 has the place at grammar. DC2 has no place guaranteed yet so you’re working on uncertainties with option B.
I also think DC1 might feel resentful if he really wants to go to the grammar but you overrule that for the chance to get your youngest in a school.

The grammar school is the right school for DC1 and it's the school they want to go to. I would also be concerned they wouldn't be stretched academically at the private, and while I appreciate that lots of state schools don't stretch every kid, I wouldn't pay for a school that isn't a good fit.

Do you need them to be at the same school? Presumably the grammar has an LA transport offer? Lots of siblings go to different secondaries for kids of reasons.

I don't know how old DC2 is but even if they are Yr4, a lot can change between now and the autumn of Yr6. Make the decision on their school when you have all the evidence and when you need to.

Does the height and birth month of a child impact on their ability to pass an exam?

For most grammar schools the entrance exam marks are age adjusted, so being summer born should not be a disadvantage.

@HoskinsChoice no, but DC1 is very confident, would easily cope with any school they went to, wouldn't be afraid to ask for help with something etc. Whereas DC 2 is very young for their age, extremely shy and would probably not do well in a huge comprehensive.

Even after age adjustment DC2 is very unlikely to get a place at the super selective grammar.

I disagree with this. If we were talking about sending one child to a private school and the other to a not so great state school, then yes that would be massively unfair, but their DS1 will be going to a selective school that they want to go to, and as their DS2 is unlikely to get in, then private school would be a good option by the sounds of it.

Let them select their own schools.

They don't have to go to he same one.

Will dc1 get the same opportunity re extra curricular activities and trips as dc2 at a private school?
will dc2 be going skiing in Val d'Isère? DofE expeditions in to Malawi?

DC1 wants to go to the selective grammar so send them there. Think separately about the best school for DC2. Perhaps the private, or an alternative high performing state school if there is one - they can be vastly different in terms of environment.

You haven’t mentioned your DC’s current ages but if you’re not yet decided on DC1, presumably there are several years before DC2 moves to secondary school; A lot could happen in that time in terms of growth in ability, confidence, maturity
so I think go for the grammar for DC1 and think about what to do for DC2 when the time comes. I also agree with those who say that DC2 may benefit from not being compared with DC1 and being in a different school.

Edited for clarity.

Remember even with 50% scholarship the fees increase annually. I've just had to remove my son from private school. The fees had doubled in 8 years even with a scholarship

So, full disclosure here.

I am - or was - DC1. I was offered a place in the super selective grammar school in our home town but ended up in a private school over an hour away. My younger sister didn't get offered a place in the grammar school and then didn't get offered a place at the private school either. My mum spoke to the school and negotiated that my sister would repeat Y6 (in the private school) and then would retake the test for entry into Y7 ,(or Upper Third as it was called - it was a very old fashioned school!). So my sister did that and luckily passed the second time.

The reasons I've given for the decisions made are ones my mum has given me and I just find them really bizarre. Yes, my sister was (and still is) tiny and yes, she was (but isn't any more!) very shy but my parents were totally convinced that she would be completely lost in the local catchment secondary. Even if that was the case, they could have sent her to the small private school we both eventually ended up in and sent me to the grammar. As others have said, she might have benefitted from not being in my shadow.

We are less than 2 years apart, and we're only 1 school year different until she repeated a year, so I think there was quite a lot of comparison, which must have been shit for her.

Interestingly, it makes you realise how school fees have risen compared to wages. My mum was a teacher and my dad worked in insurance but earned the same as my mum. People in those jobs couldn't even begin to think about private school in this day and age.

Why would you deny the very academic child a great opportunity that they deserve? That is a recipe for resentment imo

Local state options obviously include a grammar school?

My mum made absolutely mad schooling decisions for religious reasons. It baffles me as I got a place at an outstanding girls grammar and ended up in a less academic private convent school. I guess we just have to accept that our parents believed they were doing the right thing.