AIBU to be upset about my anxious daughter’s riding lesson horse choice?

[AmusedLemonFatball]

Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable but I’m so upset.

Dd9 suffers with anxiety and autism. She’s not high on the scale but is a worrier.

She has her own pony who she had a bad fall on 18 months ago, sadly pony is now retired due to wobblers.

She absolutely loves riding and horses but since her fall has completely lost her confidence and hasn’t cantered since. The riding school is fully aware and a few times dd has had a cry during her lessons because she’s been anxious, she’s been riding there a year and it’s Happened only a few times

Her sister has her own horse who is kept at the Livery of the riding school so it made sense for dd9 to have lessons there.

She has her favourite ponies who never put a hoof wrong but whenever we request these (which you can do for every lesson) she’s never put on them.

Yesterday she was placed on a 15hh horse who has been retired for 2 years and just came back into work. He was feeling fresh the minute he came out the stable.

She’s in one of the lower group lessons who are not cantering yet and everyone else was on smaller ponies (ones she normally rides).

She was given an helper to walk next to her (which again she’s never needed..) but when asked to Trot the horse cantered. The helper was shouted at to hold the horse and stop him.

Obviously this has caused a huge set back. She was absolutely sobbing and shaking but sat it well and I’m so proud of her. She got off and the horse was put back. We was told by some helpers that he’s been doing it a lot and they think he should definitely not be in the young children’s classes.

I’m so so upset for her. She keeps saying she’s disappointed and sad because I had taken her shopping and she had chosen a whole new riding outfit and was so excited.

Iv never once forced her to ride and she was coming up to try canter on her private lesson on Tuesday but obviously this has knocked her again.

The thing I think that’s upsetting me is the owner and the person who chooses the horse is a friend and we’ve known for multiple years who used to teach dd9 on her own pony from a young age. So she knows what she’s like, I just don’t understand why she would put her on such an unsuitable horse

There were several threads recently about the importance of children riding the right ponies for their weight. Could your daughter have been too big for the horses she wanted?

No, definitely not.

I mean yes she was put on an unsuitable horse and your concerns and instincts were dismissed. I really do understand this. But (kindly, as the mum of an Autistic 14 year old girl) ... Does she really need to do horseriding though if it's causing her so much upset and distress?

If horseriding is essential, is there anything other demand in her life which causes background distress and means she has fluctuating / reduced capacity to cope with horseriding, which you could remove?

Did you ask them why she was given that horse? Really they are the only ones who truly know. I suspect your daughter is one of the more experienced and is being given the horses based on that.

Is there another school nearby, you might be better taking her somewhere she isn't known.

I would be furious and looking for a different riding school.

Confidence with horse riding is so hard to gain and so easily lost.

Horse riding/horses are her life. She begs daily to ride and obviously sees her big sister having fun. She’s absolutely fine on the ponies she normally rides and is a very good little rider (as everyone tells her) she just hates the change of being on horses she has no idea what are like and especially when unsuitable

Why haven't you just directly asked your friend? Why aren't you talking over what she needs with them?

If she's your friend and you're paying her why can't you ask her? Seems bizarre to me that you don't ask them.

i did, I said I wasn’t happy and upset and they refunded me. I will ask more when Im up later sorting our horses out

Surely you just need to have a conversation with the owner/person who chooses the horses?

Yeah in that case it's an honest and possibly awkward conversation with your friend, she made a big mistake and went on DD's theoretical capacity as a rider of several years rather than looking at the whole thing holistically and taking the accident/anxiety into account. Hopefully it can be quickly resolved. You could ask if there is scope for a couple of 1:1 lessons without an "audience" (of other riders/parents) to get that confidence back. Sorry that this happened.

They should not have put your DD on an unsuitable horse- but perhaps the other people in her lesson had also requested the ponies she likes, and so some children had to lose out on their choice of pony? Perhaps your dd being the most experienced was thought to be best able to cope with the bigger pony? they were wrong and it sounds like they could have anticipated that, which is not a great situation for your dd- and so have rightly given a refund.

you need to bring it up with the owner, and then decide whether you need to go to a different riding school or not.

Op it happens, it was a mistake and a huge setback but it was human error. Mentioning that she’s your friend means nothing, she’s simply an instructor that caused a mistake, thankfully that didn’t end in someone getting physically hurt but a huge pity for your dd.

I think your daughter needs to look at what lessons she’s going into, a little step down and cantering won’t even come up but she’ll be one of the best in a class. Add to that a nice bombproof pony and she’ll get back enjoying it all x

Have you asked why DD can’t ride the ponies you have requested?

Can you buy her a new pony that fits her criteria? Seems unfair her sister has one but hers is retired. Then you aren’t borrowing randoms.

Possibly in the future I would absolutely love to x

Yes, rather than asking for a refund, why haven't you been asking this since it started to happen?

It seems to me that if she wants to carry on riding then the best solution is to get her a new pony of her own that is suitable for her and then she can ride more often and only do what she feels comfortable doing .

Yes this. Her sister has her own she can ride, and you’ve chosen the riding school for dd based on this too. They should both have their own they can ride.

I absolutely hate school riding and used to find it so stressful, so I don't do it anymore. If DD can ride why don't you find somewhere that just do treks out tailored to ability?
Or as suggested, get her a pony of her so she feels comfortable.

If multiple children request the same pony someone is going to lose out. Depending on how they decide that it could be your DD theoretically should be the best person to cope with a bigger horse, though it obviously hasn't worked out in practice for her.

You need to have a conversation with the owner about how the decision is being made, and make sure you're advocating for DD in that conversation to get what she needs. You won't know until you've spoken to them what the situation is and best way for it to be resolved though.

It seems unfair that her sister has her own horse, but the younger one is stuck borrowing randoms.

That being said, if she's going to get this upset and tied up in knots about it, perhaps it's best that she takes a step back from riding for a bit.

I don't think either are really being unreasonable but realistically, this is horses. They're not always predictable.

I recently took a retired horse out on a hack, he hadn't been ridden in 4 years. True to form, he was an absolute diamond but would I have been surprised to find myself in a hedge because a squirrel farted 2 fields away? No, not really.

Occasionally well behaved horses do decide to be a total gremlin and you hope their halo strangles them.

I work at a riding school and we have dozens of requests for particular horses and ponies, we can't accommodate everyone.

3 particular ones, Carol, Benji and, prior to retirement, Tom, would always be requested and most of the time, we had to disregard it. They cannot do 5 or 6 lessons a day, they would be absolutely exhausted and behaviour would go downhill.

A child of higher ability who is simply struggling with anxiety would not be the priority over a beginner who did not have the ability to ride safely on the more intermediate horses. If one of them was free, brilliant but otherwise, they would be allocated on ability.

I really think this is just a push on through issue. Maybe ask for some lunge lessons, if she is scared? Or could she ride her sisters pony?

I'd go back to basics with her.
They are obviously going on her riding abilities and are either not aware of, or ignoring, the fact that her confidence is shot.

Private lessons would be best really. That way, the instructor can guage how far to push her in each lesson. Maybe even on the lunge in the beginning.

She doesn't need riding lessons as such. She needs confidence lessons.
As an adult, I've been there. I also ended up having hypnotherapy.

Her daughter saved up £7k and purchased the horse herself