AIBU to be upset about my anxious daughter’s riding lesson horse choice?

[AmusedLemonFatball]

Please tell me if I’m being unreasonable but I’m so upset.

Dd9 suffers with anxiety and autism. She’s not high on the scale but is a worrier.

She has her own pony who she had a bad fall on 18 months ago, sadly pony is now retired due to wobblers.

She absolutely loves riding and horses but since her fall has completely lost her confidence and hasn’t cantered since. The riding school is fully aware and a few times dd has had a cry during her lessons because she’s been anxious, she’s been riding there a year and it’s Happened only a few times

Her sister has her own horse who is kept at the Livery of the riding school so it made sense for dd9 to have lessons there.

She has her favourite ponies who never put a hoof wrong but whenever we request these (which you can do for every lesson) she’s never put on them.

Yesterday she was placed on a 15hh horse who has been retired for 2 years and just came back into work. He was feeling fresh the minute he came out the stable.

She’s in one of the lower group lessons who are not cantering yet and everyone else was on smaller ponies (ones she normally rides).

She was given an helper to walk next to her (which again she’s never needed..) but when asked to Trot the horse cantered. The helper was shouted at to hold the horse and stop him.

Obviously this has caused a huge set back. She was absolutely sobbing and shaking but sat it well and I’m so proud of her. She got off and the horse was put back. We was told by some helpers that he’s been doing it a lot and they think he should definitely not be in the young children’s classes.

I’m so so upset for her. She keeps saying she’s disappointed and sad because I had taken her shopping and she had chosen a whole new riding outfit and was so excited.

Iv never once forced her to ride and she was coming up to try canter on her private lesson on Tuesday but obviously this has knocked her again.

The thing I think that’s upsetting me is the owner and the person who chooses the horse is a friend and we’ve known for multiple years who used to teach dd9 on her own pony from a young age. So she knows what she’s like, I just don’t understand why she would put her on such an unsuitable horse

How serious was her fall and how long ago?

I had the same with my autistic daughter who loved horses but was a beginner and one time had the horse riding school's owner who pushed her too hard and she never rode a horse again. I hope you resolve this you have my sympathies.

You could look for a pony to loan off somebody else - children outgrow ponies quickly so there could be one around.

There will have been a reason for the choice of horse, your daughter is reasonably experienced so she won't necessarily be put on a bomb proof pony if there are less experienced riders in the group.
You say your daughter suffers with anxiety, I'm afraid a hobby which involves being in charge of nearly a ton of bone and muscle which has it's own will isnot really suitable, riding ALWAYS carries a level of risk no matter how bomb proof the pony.

Can you just remain there for the lesson, and if theres a problem, deal with it there and then?

How long has she been riding? Respectfully you’d think she’d be able to canter by now especially if she’d previously had her own horse

I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter. I have a very nervous and anxious DS who loves riding. I'm afraid I've found that there is a bit of a theme in the horse riding world that nervous children need to be pushed to "get over it" and that giving them a challenging ride will help make them confident.

Our last school was like that and the nervous children went from happy, confident riders to wrecks that could barely get on but still desperately wanted to do it. Our current school is amazing and has really been careful to protect the bit of confidence he has.

Ignore all the negative comments on here. Expecting a child to be able to canter just because of the length of time they have been riding is exactly the unsympathetic approach that knocks nervous children. My son cantered off the lead for the first time last week. He's nearly 9 and has been riding since he was 4. We've seen younger children surpass him while he's still a real beginner and his older brother was jumping 60cm courses at the same age but every child is different and I'm still really proud of what he has achieved.

I think possibly being a bit more "difficult" is the way forwards. Maybe your friend is giving you the horses that other people would refuse because you are her friend so won't cause a fuss. Tell her that your child would like to know who is is riding in advance to help with anxiety and question it if its not suitable.

Hard disagree with suggestions to buy her a pony as solution. It sounds like she might not continue if she can’t regain her nerve.