AIBU to want to do my child's first school uniform shopping myself?

[Mummytobe1994]

My MIL and FIL arent really involved in my childrens’ lives more than offering occasional babysitting duties and seeing them once every few weeks (when we make the effort to go over), never really bother to see them off their own back.

Eldest child is about to start school in September and we’re all very excited for her, today we went over and mentioned we found out which primary they’ll be attending earlier this week. MIL proceeded to tell me that when she is babysitting next Friday (pre agreed due to a hospital appt I can’t take children with me to) she will take DD to school uniform shop and buy their school book bag and a jumper along with any other bits. Am I being unreasonable that I don’t want her to do this?

DD is a bit unsure about going to school as she’s a younger one in the year and pre school friends haven’t gotten into the same primary as her, I have reassured her with incentives and I think she is academically and emotionally ready other than this minor wobble. I want to be the one to do the school uniform shop for my child, this is our first child to go to school and it’s a bit early to be doing it now anyway? Even if she buys the bag, I just envisioned us having that experience, but I don’t know if I’m being ungrateful?

should I just let her take the children to the shop and DD get things for school with grandma or should I politely tell her not to do that? I don’t want to offend MIL but she does step over the line frequently and I can’t tell if I’m being sensitive on this.

Which is fine, but it's obvious from the comments that most people don't consider buying school uniforms to be a 'first' or a special occasion. MIL isn't a mind-reader so the OP will have to have a conversation about it.

Yanbu my in laws said they were taking our son to buy his first school shoes. I said we were busy (we were) and had to repeat it 4 more times before she stopped messaging insisting she would. Far too involved

Buying anything that needs to fit is absolute madness now.

Can you say yes to the book bag but no to the jumper on those grounds? Otherwise, I think the suggestion of taking her to buy shoes closer to the time is a nice one.

I don’t remember buying any of my kids’ first uniforms; it wasn’t an experience or a big deal. I’d take the help while it’s offered, there’ll be loads more uniform to buy throughout the year and it’ll be useful having spread some of the cost.

I wouldn’t be doing that with the necklace. She probably won’t be allowed it in school, which sets up an upset when told no after being told that it’s so mummy is always with her. If she is allowed it, it could get broken or lost, causing more upset. Plus it will have to come off for PE.

It's a bit off to say they're not involved in their lives when they occasionally babysit, offer big financial help like this and see them regularly. And then in the next breath, accuse of overstepping.

Other than having nodding dogs, going along with the mum's every whim, I don't know what grandparents are meant to do these days to not be in the wrong. And I say that as someone with a two year old, not as some mother in law with beef.

You might be surprised and not in a good way at how much it all costs!

obviously if you want to do this then absolutely do and tell mil that you want to. Many people wouldn’t really consider this a “first” so I suspect mil didn’t think you’d be bothered.

See if you can redirect her to buying first school shoes if you want to do uniform. Let school shoes become their ‘thing’. You might think buying school shoes should be a nice thing to do, but it is hell. Give it to MIL and thank yourself every August for years to come.

Heart chain pendant? This is surely a pre-schooler who doesn't need any thing like this.
Why do mum's have to prove there love? Buying school uniform is repetitive and not a proof of love at all, you can still meet there emotional needs by being there on the first day of school etc .... and there are a lot of days you need to be there for school.

Does your daughter like dolls or have a special Teddy? You could ask her grandparents to buy uniform for the doll. https://www.frillylily.co.uk/15-dolls-school-uniform

DD loves dolls and was delighted with an outfit that they could match.

I'd say oh thanks very much for getting the book bag, we're not getting the uniform yet because she's due another growth spurt so will leave it closer to the time and just let her get the bag

Wouldn’t bother me but if it bothers you and you have a good relationship with her can’t you say ‘that’s a lovely idea but I had my heart set on doing it with her myself - would you like to come with us?’

if you don’t want her to come leave the last part off

This is surely just putting the idea of being away from mummy being something to worry about in her mind (if it's not, then why does she need the special necklace)?

Nice idea but more appropriate for a young teen who was going on a trip and nervous about it?

I had no idea this was a thing.. I just ordered everything online and no one else was part of the momentous occasion!

Haha I’d have loved a grandparent to have offered to pay for uniforms 😂 kitting 3 out in new gear cost about a grand at the start of the school year after a long summer holidays - would have saved us a fortune!
If you want to do it yourself just say thanks but no thanks, but you could always do the fun stuff with dc instead, things she will have control over (book bag and jumper is standard across the board mandatory stuff, even shoes have to be pretty similar conforming to regulation, it’s not unique and dc don’t have any real choice over any of it), lunch box, water bottle etc, is way more fun to choose if you want to make a thing of going and doing school shopping together.

Thank you! I hadn’t thought of that, might go this afternoon and say DD was asking to go and we were passing

Thanks, I’m sure it’s because it’s the first child (our first and their first grandchild) that this seems to be more of a big deal! I’ll take her up on some of the smaller items. I don’t think she was offering to buy the whole lot haha just a few bits

Wonderful idea, thank you so much!

Go and get it beforehand and tell her you have it already thank you. They had all the firsts with there children it’s your turn there trying to take away a first that’s why it feels uncomfortable.

I suppose it depends what "branded" stuff you need. For my DC, the only things from the uniform shop were the book bag and the jumper. Everything else was generic so buying uniform wasn't an event as such. But the special thing is helping them put it on on their first day, taking that photo and holding their hand as you walk them in 😊

Tell your MIL it’s far too early to buy uniform for September - dd might have a growth spurt! Maybe she could take her to buy the book bag and a PE bag. She’ll also need a small backpack for lunch, drink, jacket etc. MIL might just think it’ll be one less thing for you to do, and be saving you money (if she intends to pay), rather than seeing it as overstepping?

Just on a side note you say that you have to go to your ILs all the time, and they never see the children ‘off their own back’.
The in-law relationship can (not always!) be tricky, and there’s a lot of ‘second guessing’ goes on. They could wait for you to visit or to be directly asked, for fear of being seen as demanding of your time, or intruding on family time if they were often asking to come over. Maybe they’d like to be more involved, but at the moment this is manifesting itself in offers of practical help, or paying for things? They could feel doubtful about how much involvement you actually want them to have? Only you can know if they’re generally nice people and if you have a good relationship with them. Tell them you and the children would like to see more of them (if you would!)

I would jump at the chance if someone wanted to take my child shopping for uniform (espeicallly if they’re contributing to the cost!) That said, if you feel like you want that experience then just say so! Completely fine to be entirely honest ‘That’s so kind of you, I’ve actually been really looking forward to taking her myself to get the first uniform though, but maybe you could take her to..::’ and pick something- shoe shopping or whatever? She’s not a mind reader, presumably she thinks she’s offering a nice thing.

Quite. I find it quite depressing how many people have leaped to "she is trying to steal your first precious moment" - it's not a big deal for everyone, I didn't actually realise anyone cared about this, for some people it's just an errand! It's not like she is asking to take him to school on his first day

Speaking as someone who cherished little milestone moments like this, I can see why you're upset. Speaking as someone with two rapidly growing young primary aged kids who constantly leave their things everywhere they go if I'm not there to supervise, take her up on the offer and see if you can make it an annual thing they do together. You'll save a fortune.

My mil is exactly like this, I think she thinks she’s helping (let’s not mention when she took DS for his first ever haircut without telling me, or taking him for his first pair of shoes.)

In the end I had to tell her straight that as his parent these are things that are my responsibility and that I WANT to do them more importantly. For the last few years she has been known to either send some money towards buying the uniform or buying school coats.