AIBU to want some time for myself

[Pissedoffwithitall1]

NC for a moan

Have flu, feeling rubbish a week in. It's coincided with the last week of the Easter holiday for DS, so I've had to keep going, albeit doing the minimum to keep him alive (whilst having bursts of extreme guilt for the endless hours of cartoons he's watched).

DH's job is a bone of contention generally as hours are long, irregular with frequent stays away. We have no other help and I have become default parent 99.9% of the time. He was away for a night during this week, couldn't be helped, but I am shattered.

The flu has lowered my mood and the inability to rest has probably prolonged the illness so I snapped at him yesterday, via text (we never get to chat meaningfully irl anymore). I just keep burning out like this, have no life outside of parenting, which never ends, have nothing to look forward to as can't commit to any kind of regular activity. I don't work currently as I ended up in hospital a couple of years ago with sepsis having burnt out in similar circumstances. I was self employed, working around DH's work and childcare and something had to give. He wasn't giving anything so I let work go and concentrated on DS. I've been trying to get back to some work since September with a view to being ready to hit the ground when DS starts reception this year. I've made little progress as my time is constantly taken by chores, childcare, elderly parents and working around DH's work and generally feeling exhausted. I can't see it being much different when he starts school as all that entails will default to me too.

I have ringfenced a night away with an old uni friend once a year and it's the highlight of my year because I do nothing else for myself. He is happy to oblige but there always seems to be come back. When I told him I wanted to look again at the childcare spilt he told me he'd already given up most of the week and 'bent over backwards to help me' by looking after our son for 2 days to facilitate the trip, and was incredibly stressed by his work load because of it. Which made it clear he regards childcare as my job, the maintenance of my friendship and sanity as frivolous and that I should be more grateful for the extreme stress he endures on our behalf. He supports me working in word but not deed. I mean if I can fit work in around everything else in the 20 hours DS is at nursery, why can't he?

I feel my life slipping away. I feel my intellect and friendships disappearing and, God forgive me, on occasion I feel resentment towards our son, who is so demanding that I can't do anything when he's around. All chores and life admin happen in nursery hours and I'm exhausted by bedtime. No matter what we do DS isn't asleep before 9/9.30pm and I have to stay in bed with him until he drops off. By the time I sort the kitchen and pets I have no energy left. I don't read or watch TV anymore, haven't a clue about current affairs, I barely socialise, I can go days without any adult conversation.

I've tried to claim some rest today, my body knows I need it, and my husband just made a crack about everyone apart from him in the house being lazy. I feel like packing a bag and going, I know not where, but I've just had enough of the guilt on top on the thankless slog and erasing of any meaningful activity in my life.

AIBU to think there should be more to my life than this? I usually suck it up but I'm so frazzled I just can't help but feel short changed today.

Tell him your going out for the night, book a hotel and just get in the car and go. What a selfish fuck.

If you’re not working then you should be the main carer - but you should also do stuff for yourself . What do you do when child is at nursery !?
sort out their bedtime too- no need at all to be in bed with them until they sleep . that’s a bad habit you need to stop asap .

You sit him down, you tell him you are ill and have been for a while, that he now needs to step up and look after his child.

either book a hotel until Monday morning, or tell him you are going to bed, you are not to be disturbed, he can sleep on the sofa or in the spare room, you will let him know when you want food and disappear

leave him to it,, he knocks on the door you simply say I dont know you figure it out please leave me alone

I do laundry, I keep on top of housework, I shop, I cook, I sort admin, help out elderly parents, walk the dog, sort or schedule jobs for house. We moved house 6 months ago so there's been a lot of work around that. It's 5 hours in a day and it goes nowhere. I tried to work last week and by the time I got off calls from Age Concern, S&LT, various hospitals for both DS and parent appointments, the vet and the bank I only had time to walk the dog and hang some washing out, then onto nursery pick up. Work came last, again, so I can see myself being stuck in primary carer role because I don't work, because I'm stuck in primary carer role. Catch-22.

I need to try again with bedtime. When you're regularly alone, day and night for days on end, it's sometimes easier to help him get some sleep and so, yes, that'sbecome a habit. He will come downstairs, scream, shout, demand things if I leave him and it's exhausting. He breastfed for 3.5 years for the same reason, he wouldn't give up on tantruming if I refused and to retain sanity and for both of us to get some rest I'd give in. So yeah, I'm the problem.

There alot here and I'm not sure whether this is about the flu, your husband, a long term health condition or something else. May some things to be annoyed about but somethings don't entirely make sense i.e.you feel resentful you can't do regular activities but you don't work and child goes to nursery 20 hours a week. Sound like you are in need a few low key movies days to get over the flu and need to try and find some childcare so you can get out with your husband, to get some fun time but also to reconnect on your life issues and future family life plans.

i don’t mean this unkindly but lots of people don’t get 20 hours a week child free to get ‘house’ jobs done.
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do you think it seems worse as you are feeling so unwell? I do think your partner should be giving you time to rest and recover.
I think I would start by sorting out bedtime so that you get an evening.
could you look at going back to an in person job 15 hours a week so you feel like an adult again, not just a mum and cleaner?
I hope you feel better soon.

I’ve slightly given up on giving advice about useful/ unsupportive men!

I’m a single parent having divorced a very useless one and don’t regret it.

I do remember when DS was about 6/7 getting to a point where I could sit down and relax during the day - just sit down for a few minutes with a cup of tea - with him around, not watching a screen, etc and it was just wonderful.

He’s 12 now and time spent at home is genuinely relaxing again (some of the time!).

You do need to do something about this man though.

@Pissedoffwithitall1 how old is your child now? I assumed quite young from your post but the you said breastfed for 3.5 years so is he around 4?
I am baffled why you can’t do jobs with him around at that age and allow yourself some downtime / time to yourself when he’s at nursery. Most kids of that age love to be ‘helpful’.
I think you should leave the jobs for a day and have a think through of the positives/negatives of your situation and decide if you need to make a change or if you could have a different perspective on your current set up.

To be fair to him, he does stuff. Too much stuff. He's a workaholic so on the go even when at home. He's doing the garden now. The guilt thing always comes from feeling like I should be matching that. Sometimes I just need a rest.

To be honest - most mums do all this stuff and still work full time . And single parents don’t even have the option of a husband on hand! So you can manage - maybe you just don’t realise that yet !
it sounds like you could benefit from organising your time a bit better and then you would feel like there is a better balance in your life !

You have 20hrs pw child free and you can’t keep on top of a home with 3 ppl in it? and make some phone calls?
I think you’re being a bit dramatic, how are you going to manage to work??
Not a fan of comparing but how do you think single parents cope or those with more than one child?

I think you need to take a deep breath, and make a solid plan going forward to carve some time out for yourself.

If you are not working then yes childcare is your job, but if your child is at nursery 20 hours a week then you can absolutely do something for yourself during that time. It’s so easy I think to let time just pass and get filled with other things so you do need to be intentional about it, plan your weeks in their entirety and schedule everything in as if it’s a working week so that your childfree time doesn’t disappear so:

I do laundry- do one wash a day (if needed), get it in the machine before you go to bed ready to click start in the morning, hang out to dry once done

I keep on top of housework- carve out an hour a day for this, or do a deep clean on a weekend/when partner is free and just surface level clean through the week

I shop- look into getting food shop delivered, or do this when you have your child to save child free time

I cook- batch cook on a Sunday for the week ahead, save time cooking

I sort admin- not sure what admin you mean but daily & weekly there can’t be 5 hours worth every day of every week, you could make one of his nursery days your admin & help out elderly parents day

walk the dog- do this with child, again save the child free time and the weather is picking up, child will probably sleep better after the fresh air anyway

With 20 free hours a week even if you just carve out 1.5 hours 2 days a week you could do something for you and feel so much better, as I say schedule your week like a working week, time disappears if you just let it pass (and I say this as a mum of two young children and with a dog, if I don’t have a plan the day just disappears!)

I'm not a single parent because I wanted to parent equally with a partner. If I became a single parent because my husband died that would be an entirely different situation. I'd have some autonomy for one thing. He's not dead but he's not doing very much parenting. That's not what I signed up to.

The house may only have 3 people in it but it's 4 floors and 8 bedrooms. That takes a fair bit of keeping on top of even with a cleaner. Not my choice to do that alone either.

I'm not managing work, that's the whole point. I gave it up after a serious illness because I couldn't manage to do all the childcare, housework and life admin whilst recovering and work with no support. Getting back into it is difficult because I have a young child and elderly parents to care for and it's not a 9-5.

I'm guessing you're not at the stage of having elderly parents as you'd be aware it consists of quite a lot more than a few phone calls a week if you did. As another poster handily suggested, it's not possible to compartmentlatise their needs to a handy, pre-scheduled hour a week either. "Mum, you're not scheduled for a 3am fall I'm afraid, that will have to wait until 10am next Tuesday". It's a 2 hour round trip every time something happens. They'd have to fend for themselves if I worked because despite many years of tentative discussions they refuse to move, make any adaptations to their home or have any 'stranger' help in. We're on emergency hospital admission number 3 so far this year. And when one's in hospital the other needs more help at home. Less time to do stuff in my own home, all handily backing up awaiting my return. Which leads to a longer run of solo parenting because DH takes back the time he 'lost.' Fairly impossible to effectively plan around that.

I get upset when I'm ill because it triggers what happened 2 years ago. I was in organ failure and it took them over a bloody week to treat me for sepsis. How I'm not dead I still don't understand and the fear of wasting what time I have left on this Earth fucking haunts me. Dramatic? You bet ya it is.

@Pissedoffwithitall1
never make assumptions, I no longer have my parents and also have cared for a grandparent.
Poor you having a 4 floor/8 bedroom home & a cleaner yet here you are bleating about your hard life 🙄

Never make assumptions and immediately makes assumptions.

er, mums with partners should not be doing all of that! Why on earth would you accept that? It's 50:50 unless agreed otherwise if you are both working imo. This dad is doing nothing at all to help. Her 9-5 is at home. His is at work, after 5pm they BOTH need to be showing up.

Op when he comes in the house after work, you should leave for a few hours. Make him show up. There's no such thing as TOIL when you are a parent. He's not babysitting he needs to care for his child. You do it 9-5. After this point it should be 50.50z being the breadwinner doesn't give him a free card. And if he doesn't want to do his share he can pay for a nanny to help you out .

I don't care how big your house is or how much money you have . You are burnt out. The frustration of his lack of help is probably making the whole thing worse. For the good of your marriage he need to step up. As for the parents , they too will needs to adapt. Put your phone off. They fall at 3am because they won't make adaptions, they can wait until 9am for you to get there.

have you considered getting some ad hoc child care? Maybe someone who is looking for extra money now and again or maybe more formal to pick up from nursery , do dinner and bed and give you a night off? if you can afford this it might help.

so YANBU.

I resonate with a lot of what you’re saying. I work part time and the rest of the week am home with youngest and also trying to facilitate activities and commitments for older dc too. My dh works more hours but I feel like I am totally responsible for all life admin, kids, household and it’s exhausting. It’s a different kind of work and one that is constantly under valued and over looked by society.

You do have 20 hours a week free though. And no work. I could only dream of that. I have to try and cram in shopping, cleaning, appointments etc around my toddler. Trying to get a hair appointment is nigh on impossible. You have a lot more freedom than many people.

All I can suggest is lower your standards a bit. Don’t waste your precious child free time cleaning. Go to the gym, read a book, meet a friend, have a nice walk. You have loads of time for this. I understand the elderly parents thing is time consuming but there is support available for that too.

Im sorry you are struggling and I do get parts of what you’re saying but equally, I think you have a lot more than many people myself included.

Your husband sounds absolutely awful how dare he make the dig about being lazy. You on the other hand deserve a medal. Is there anyone else that can help you. You need to lose that weight round your neck ie. The husband

Thank you. Yes, I think I need to look at further childcare options. As we've moved i don't really know anyone to ask or get recommendations from so I might just have to take a leap of faith and look at agencies.

Thanks, I find it endless and also hard to fully describe what you've done/achieved in a day although you never stop!

It's the randomness of things that makes life difficult. I gave up trying to arrange to do anything outside of nursery hours long ago because DH let me down a few times. I know others on the thread think it's a privileged life but I feel so isolated. Everything I ever need to do has to be in those nursery hours, if I want to see friends to keep some semblance of sanity it has to be mid week in the day. There aren't many who can do that as it is, but I try every few months because otherwise I have virtually no adult conversation for days on end week after week. My son has a speech delay and trying to decipher him all day long is exhausting. He's chatty and confident which I'm so pleased about but the level of concentration required to find out about fantasy dinosaur adventures is intense. I could do with adult chat more regularly to balance it.

My job is a creative and requires a lot of sitting and thinking. I could use a whole nursery day and not actually produce something concrete but it would be working towards something eventually. If I did that the whole 20 hours I might get close to getting a project up and running in September but I just can't do the full 20 hours because the child wouldn't get fed or have clean clothes, the parents would be neglected and the animals wouldn't be cleaned and exercised.

If doing the job in 20 hours and alongside the household stuff were possible, DH could do it. But he can't, he's away through the week, works all nighters, weekends, bank holidays, school holidays. When he is home he runs around doing jobs, complaining that he can't do anything with DS there so I have to look after him then too. DH has had that thinking time in his office, loads of it, and his creating time too. And because he works that much I can't get near to getting my foot back in the door. The holidays are so long too, 3 weeks at Christmas, still off now for Easter, and they all fall to me. I just can't get going properly and I've been trying since September.

DH got to where he is because when he lost a job early on in our relationship I went out to work and supported him to stay at home and get this going. Now everyone around us is amazed by his career and success, but don't realise that you have to have time to make that happen. I'm not actually stay at home but am treated as though I were by everyone around me to the point where I've become it. It's the opposite of freedom, my fate has been decided by everyone but me.

Stop staying with your child while they fall asleep. That'll be a start.

Any tips on how? We try to take it in turns when his dad is home but he comes downstairs to get me and cries until I take him up. That on repeat doesn't get me much more time or energy in the evenings.

I don't get why you are complaining he works so much and then move to an 8 bedroom home, that won't be cheap!

I was happy not to move. He wanted something to show for all his work. It's a beautiful house, but as I said repeatedly before we sold up, you can be unhappy in a big house too. It's our pension basically. Probably just his pension actually, because I don't think I'll last that long.