AIBU to stop updating my brother when he only judges me

[Meeko505]

Growing up my older brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat, and it feels like that dynamic has never changed. He’s late 30s with two children and I am mid 30s with four children, we don’t live near each other and we have generally only seen each other in person as adults when I have travelled either to him or parents visit.

He shows very little interest in my life or my kids’ lives, never asking after us and even sometimes just ignoring messages when I’ve tried to share news with him about my children. But he will update me on his kids when I ask after them, which is something I’ll be sad to lose by going zero contact. He’s also always been very dismissive and rude to me, and this just doesn’t seem like it will ever change. He makes judgemental comments about my choice to have four children, and makes “jokes” that imply I’m a bad parent. For context, I’m married, we have a nice house and a nice life, we’re financially comfortable, stable, I don’t really feel like he has any reason to look down on me like this. I’m happy with my life, but every time I speak to him I feel like I’m not good enough. A few years ago I actually pointed this out to him and he said something like, “well, you have to admit you had a lot of promise when you were younger and haven’t really lived up to that”. I guess because I was very academic but I’m now a SAHM. But I was never ambitious and we don’t need me to work so what business is it of his?

I am just tired of this dynamic. I get nothing out of this relationship and most times I try to message my brother I just feel upset. I feel like if I stopped messaging him we wouldn’t speak for months or even a year, and I’m starting to think maybe I should just stop trying to even update him on my life at all - like even if we move, had a baby, whatever? It makes me feel a bit unreasonable to not give him news like that but he never says anything nice and I am starting to feel like he doesn’t deserve any updates. I think he would be annoyed with me for not telling him, but only because he feels entitled to know and not because he cares iykwim.

AIBU? And why do you think my brother hates me 😭

You are right that the dynamic hasn’t changed. He is continuing to boost his ego by making you feel inadequate. He feels better by making sure the long-standing status quo exists, even in the micro communication opportunities you have.
I don’t know what to suggest other than step back from messaging him a bit and protect your peace.

Thanks. I probably already only message him every 3-6 months at most usually (but family stuff recently has meant the need for more regular contact temporarily and I’m finding that hard) so it just feels like if I stop that I will just never hear from him anyway. But that is maybe for the best.

Stop messaging him, simple as that.

I don't understand people who try and pursue a relationship with someone who is clearly not interested and not as invested as the other person

I am sorry if that is harsh but its the truth

Meet him where he meets you.

If you give 90% and he gives 10%, you will always feel frustrated. Match his 10%.

But he will update me on his kids when I ask after them, which is something I’ll be sad to lose by going zero contact.

You can get those updates from your parents. Tbh, he is the gatekeeper of his children, so realistically you aren’t going to be able to have relationships with them even if you maintain your low contact.

I think you are maintaining those golden child and scapegoat dynamics that were set in your childhood because that is your normal.

Would you keep seeing a friend who behaved like him? No. So drop the rope and stop contacting him.

He sounds jealous of you. Had you fulfilled the potential he goes on about, he would treat you even worse.

Oh and make changes now. Rebalance the relationship before you become the default Go To Sibling for your aging, shared parents.

He has a criteria for success which is different to yours, you might argue your education has allowed you to recognise happiness for yourself and succeed in achieving that. To see a path outside of the corporate ladder and have the confidence and smarts to follow it.

Either way he is very toxic and not really interested in building you up or supporting you. I’d stop chasing him, find stuff out from your parents.

One thing I will just add is that we don’t really have parents. There is only one left and they are not very involved with either of us.

What do you get out of the relationship?
Nothing.
So why are you pursuing one?

Remember your nieces and/or nephews birthdays and at Christmas, and your brother's wife if you have a good relationship with her, nothing else.

Spoilt brats need not only be children.

I totally get this. My dsis works hard to maintain the golden child/ scapegoat dynamic. She is awful to me. Only uses me when she wants something and has never included me in any events or helped me with anything even through my cancer treatment. Yet somehow plays the victim.

Just drop the rope. Let go of the battle. It's the best thing i ever did for my inner peace. I feel so calm and good about myself.

She is furious of course.

He sounds like a complete bellend. I’d write him a long text/email explaining how he’s hurt you and how awful his behaviour’s been towards you and the negative impact he’s had on your life - he deserves to feel bad about it. Then I’d say you no longer wish to be in contact. You don’t want him to end up feeling like you’re the lazy one if you go nc without saying anything, or for him to feel like he’s done nothing wrong and feel superior, cos it sounds like he thinks of himself as superior enough already

"well, you have to admit you had a lot of promise when you were younger and haven't really lived up to that"

Wowee. That is a spectacularly rude and insulting put-down. How dare he speak to you like that? If it were me, I'd have nothing more to do with the bastard. I'd certainly not be fretting over why he might not like me. Stuff that. He's seriously unpleasant. Nobody needs that sort of person in their life, even if they are family.

I’d write him a long text/email explaining how he’s hurt you and how awful his behaviour’s been towards you and the negative impact he’s had on your life - he deserves to feel bad about it

If someone sent me a text, letter like this I would think they were unstable and as for him feeling bad, he won't - he has no interest in maintaining a relationship so why would this bother him??

OP just needs to stop pursuing a relationship that isn't there

In a golden child/scapegoat dynamic, the golden child usually gets not one but two things out of it. One is the better treatment. The other is the glee at seeing the scapegoat get less of the good stuff, more of the blame and punishment. Now he's an adult and you only have one (relatvely uninvolved) parent, he can't get that same sense from differences in parental treatment but he still needs to see you suffer so he's doing it himself. You have to ask yourself if information about his children is important enough to carry on being belittled and judged.

Agree with this. Don't make some huge gesture, it will only confirm what he apparently thinks about you.

Stop contacting him. If he never bothers to get in touch you know where you stand. If he does eventually contact you respond briefly in a similar vein that he does currently. A couple of sentence or whatever.

If he questions why you haven't been in touch I would be brief but honest.

'i'm tired of being in a relationship where I'm constantly put down and badly treated'

If he comes back with blame/insults you just say 'see that's an excellent example thank you'

If he comes back with genuine apologies then you may have something to recover.

My sense is that as the golden child he may simply be so used to the dynamic of being above everyone that it honestly hasn't occured to him how badly he is acting. If he has any introspection then he can recover from this. Ultimately it WAS your parents fault he has learned this way but as a grown man he now needs to take responsibility.

Keep your answers very short and blunt. Resist the temptation to rant or you'll undermine your argument. If he bites back try not to respond with a tit for tat just DROP THE ROPE. Don't feel like you need to response to him at all, you can leave him on read.

Don't. It'll be used against you and to make out you're bitter, jealous etc. Just go quiet on him, and use your time and energy on people you like and enjoy spending time with. It's easy to feel you 'should' have a certain kind of relationship with siblings when, let's face it, there's plenty of evidence out there that lots of us don't!

This is actually a really interesting point… I’ve perhaps felt that he has been even ruder to me since our Nparent died, and I found that hard to deal with since I had hoped that maybe we could reset the dynamic a little after that. But you’re right, he now feels the need to enforce it himself instead.

And why do you think my brother hates me

You explained why in your opening sentence: Growing up my older brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat, and it feels like that dynamic has never changed.

Either you and he can discuss this ongoing family dynamic, or you will probably need to accept it isn't going to change.

I very recently told him that I thought something he said to me was really rude and offensive and he insisted it was a lighthearted joke and acted like I was totally out of line. I won’t repeat the conversation because it would be outing but everyone I shared it with said he was totally out of order and some people even said they would cut contact over it. So I don’t think I’m crazy!

Narcs make narcs - your brother has been conditioned to be like this by your parents.
Brushing off rudeness as a joke and being upset that YOU were upset and deflection is a classic example of how he hasn’t emotionally matured. That will not change. You can only change how you react to it. In person this is harder because your reaction will only enrage him but geographical distance and limiting messages will be easier to manage. He can’t poke the bear as much. Quite telling that your friends suggested no contact.

He's a prick and a parasite feeding his ego off putting you down - he's probably deeply insecure and that's not your problem. Your life will be better without him. Blood relatives can be a ball and chain. Don't let him in your life just because of DNA.
Someday you might make new male friends who will be the brothers you chose, not the ones you were lumbered with by birth. You might still have a positive brother figure in your life someday - I found one.
You'll feel lighter and better when you have this twat out of your life.

I'm failing to understand why you are bothering to update him as he obviously has no interest in your family or you. Stop trying to force a relationship that isn't there. You don't have to go no contact, you just have to drop the rope and stop making any effort. Concentrate on your own family and don't worry about what your brother thinks of your life choices - if you're happy, why do you care what he thinks?

I don’t know. He does invite me to visit him and he has spontaneously updated me on his own news before - he just has no interest in visiting me or my news. I think this has made me think in the past that he does care about me but actually I’m starting to think it is just that I give him what he wants - the congratulations, attention etc. that he wants when he tells me this stuff. (I don’t heap praise upon him but ofc do just say the usual stuff that anyone might when told news about kids, job etc.) and as to why his judgement bothers me - he’s my big brother, for some reason I’ve always cared a bit even though rationally I know we are very different people and have very different personalities and priorities.

One I think he'd a bloke and generally socialised to be a bit crap with this sort of thing.
Two it sounds like he is projecting his failings into you.

You do what you makes you happy. Send letters/photos or gifts because you want to. Don't keep in touch out of guilt or obligation.