AIBU to stop updating my brother when he only judges me

[Meeko505]

Growing up my older brother was the golden child and I was the scapegoat, and it feels like that dynamic has never changed. He’s late 30s with two children and I am mid 30s with four children, we don’t live near each other and we have generally only seen each other in person as adults when I have travelled either to him or parents visit.

He shows very little interest in my life or my kids’ lives, never asking after us and even sometimes just ignoring messages when I’ve tried to share news with him about my children. But he will update me on his kids when I ask after them, which is something I’ll be sad to lose by going zero contact. He’s also always been very dismissive and rude to me, and this just doesn’t seem like it will ever change. He makes judgemental comments about my choice to have four children, and makes “jokes” that imply I’m a bad parent. For context, I’m married, we have a nice house and a nice life, we’re financially comfortable, stable, I don’t really feel like he has any reason to look down on me like this. I’m happy with my life, but every time I speak to him I feel like I’m not good enough. A few years ago I actually pointed this out to him and he said something like, “well, you have to admit you had a lot of promise when you were younger and haven’t really lived up to that”. I guess because I was very academic but I’m now a SAHM. But I was never ambitious and we don’t need me to work so what business is it of his?

I am just tired of this dynamic. I get nothing out of this relationship and most times I try to message my brother I just feel upset. I feel like if I stopped messaging him we wouldn’t speak for months or even a year, and I’m starting to think maybe I should just stop trying to even update him on my life at all - like even if we move, had a baby, whatever? It makes me feel a bit unreasonable to not give him news like that but he never says anything nice and I am starting to feel like he doesn’t deserve any updates. I think he would be annoyed with me for not telling him, but only because he feels entitled to know and not because he cares iykwim.

AIBU? And why do you think my brother hates me 😭

OP I love the advice given to ‘drop the rope.’ I have done the same with my similar brother for reasons you have given. I wish him well but blocked/NC. Still send gifts etc to his children/communicate with them. No longer in my head rent free. Have asked my mother to stop passing on information but of course she loves to trigger him (let’s keep that toxic dynamic going to the last!) Block for a year and then you could try to re-engage with boundaries? X

My elder brother was horrible growing up. He never really changed. All came to a head over a will where he was executor and took almost everything for his greedy all-alone self. Have gone no contact with him for sixteen years now. One of the best decisions I have ever made. His behaviour wrecked my health he caused me so much stress. The childhood dynamics never change.Free yourself. You’ll lose nothing and gain autonomy!

I agree 💯

I stopped contacting my youngest sister (also golden child), last year. I haven't heard from her since and feel free of her continual moaning and entitlement.

I wouldn't bother to contact your brother and just be polite and to the point if he contacts you.

I think when you come to realise that if you don’t message someone first, you will never hear from them again - that kind of says it all. Why bother putting effort in when it’s not reciprocated. As sad as it is, if someone doesn’t care about you, they don’t care about you. Stop reaching out and enjoy your life.

perhaps still send things for the children, presents, cards, write letters etc. But withdraw from him.

Op just forget to text him he is an awful brother and he loves hurting you I decided a while ago if people aren’t nice or don’t make an effort I just fade them out. I’m not any worse off by doing this it might be for the best especially if you haven’t got to get involved with the parent still alive. Yes it will hurt as he is your blood but he’s not arsed about you so don’t give him any more of your time for him to be a nasty bastard. Your kids don’t need to see your toxic brother either your not doing them any favours by letting him humiliate you.

Relationships with siblings are so hard, all of mine are now very very LC with me (I call it NC). They denied it to my parents for years then it got even worse. I’m the eldest child and the least liked by either parent so I guess this was inevitably due to my childhood and upbringing.

I’m three years into the last time I saw any of them (not surprisingly when I was visiting where they are as none of them have ever been to my home lived here 8 years). It is very hard every day but I’m getting used to it now and without protecting myself like this I’d never have got through it all.

I really miss not knowing anything about my nieces and nephews. I don’t get any phone calls, letters or photos from any of them anymore which I really loved before. I send cards and gifts for Christmas and birthdays to the ones I have addresses for. I’m the unknown aunt who sends them something but they have no idea who I am and at this rate they never will. I’m considering stopping this next year as it makes me feel sad.

So just lower your contact to the level your brother manages. That’s what I had to do to protect myself and that’s why I call it NC as none of them can be bothered to do a thing, I was the one previously making all the effort.

If any of them do contact me I would for example send a text, sm message, letter or so on back to them in my own time. but they choose not to.

I agree that’s what I’ve been doing.

If someone does not bring light into your life, don't give them space.
No extra points just because he is family.. that was just an accident of birth.

Ye one of my brothers is like that and I gave up running after....happy with my daily contact with all my other siblings tho

My brother is quite like this- go very low contact, but not no contact.
Life changes a great deal as the years go on , he may come around in the end.

You would not tolerate this treatment from friends or colleagues. Why accept it from a sibling? Cut him off.

If you write to him, it will be used as 'evidence' that you are the problem. He won't understand or see it from your perspective. He has been groomed by family dynamics to be in this role and it's hard, not impossible, to give it up.

Oh lakes, don’t do that. He won’t care and he’ll think you’re unhinged. Just let him be and stop trying to engage him. He’s not interested.

I would say your brother is modelling what your parent is doing. Not being very involved.

Personally I have a brother that is similar. All talk. No action. Very dismissive of presents I buy. So contact is minimal. I don't expect anything of him and I'm not disappointed. I put my energy into the people who are positive in my life. That doesn't include him.

I agree. A letter/text smacks of desperation and shows the brother his behaviour is affecting OP which is of course what he wants, albeit on a subliminal level. Much better to just stop bothering with him.

Most people, unless they’re complete sociopaths, do love and care about their siblings deep down, whether they like them or make any effort with them is beside the point. Point is people need to be called out on shitty behaviour if they have any hope of one day changing that behaviour. He needs to know the end of their relationship was HIS fault and a result of his behaviour. It may make him reflect on it and not be such a dick in future, it may not. Worth a shot though

And why would he think she’s unhinged? He’s her brother