AIBU to keep quiet about a friend’s mother’s death?

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

hi everyone, needing some advice on etiquette when someone dies.

my friend’s mum suddenly died on Thursday - it’s incredibly sad and a real shock. My mum was friends with her and it’s someone she has known for years ( through school and her children etc). My mum is not aware that she has died - my friend is very private and told my DH yesterday after he asked if she wanted to grab a coffee.

DH has told me not to say anything to my mum as it’s my friends news to tell but I feel a little strange knowing this about someone in my mum’s life. Just need some guidance on what etiquette is here.

aibu - keep quiet until mum finds out organically
yanbu - your mum should know, odd that you knew and didn’t tell her

Just tell her?

No tell your mum, her finding out threw you is organically

its not like a birth. When someone dies suddenly you have enough stuff to do. And having to tell people was the worst

Tell your mum, unless she is sort to post about it on facebook. Your DH is being weird.

DH has told me not to say anything to my mum as it’s my friends news to tell

The bereaved don’t go around telling every single person separately. What a burden that would be. Tell your mum.

I would tell your Mum. I find it hard to tell people about a my own bereavement because I am so close to tears. I would hope that other people would spread the news on my behalf.

Ask your friend if you’re concerned about sharing the news precipitously. I also think it’s a bit odd to know something like this and not tell others who might want to know. It will be public knowledge that a person has died. It’s not a secret. With things like this I think family actually rely on word of mouth to let extended friends know. They don’t want to go round contacting everyone individually.

Ask her to let you know about funeral arrangements, Ask how she is, and check how she wants the news to be handled.

Thank you - agree DH is being a bit weird about it which I did say. I will tell my mum - that is organically you’re right.

Perfectly normal to tell her.

Your DH is very lacking in social nuance there. Of course you tell your mother.

Unless your friend explicitly asked that he kept it to himself, I think it’s fine to mention it.

I would tell your mum. Your friend I imagine would assume your dh will tell you and you will tell your mum.

Agree. You should definitely tell your mum.

Ask your friend what she would prefer.

Unless your friend had specifically asked for people not to be told then I think it’s fine for you to tell your mum.
It’s obviously very sad/difficult telling people when a close relative has passed, not something I wanted to do more than I needed. (I know from experience of my own mum passing, but then again we’re all different).

Agreed - tell your mum. How strange of your DH to say not to?!

when my husband died, I told a few close people myself and asked them to tell others in his social and professional groups. I just could not keep on saying it. I do think your husband is being weird and not sure why.

The friend has just lost her mum. Don’t start ringing her asking silly questions

Can you imagine the horror of having to ring every single person you know to inform them over and over again that your mum has died? Awful.

Your husband is being really bloody weird about this - tell your mum, otherwise the burden is all on your friend to do it at a time when she's grieving and having to repeat the horrible news over and over again.

Tell your mum or course, when you lose someone close like that you need word of mouth to spread the news. Your mum will probably want to go to the funeral, it’s perfectly ok to call undertakers for the information or better still check on line, most undertakers have a list of information about upcoming funeral details

I fear your DH is mixing up his etiquette - the “not your news to tell” generally applies to good news, where the teller would be pleased to see the happy reaction of the person being told. With a death, I think people are grateful to have the burden (as a pp aptly put it) removed. That’s why there’s a convention to send a sympathy card when you hear of a death - it’s also a way of saying “I’ve been told and am so sorry” and then spares that person the horrible job of telling you. Please tell your mum!

Telling others is a service to the bereaved. Your DH is wrong.

Yes, I agree with this.

When my dad died recently I'm not sure I actually could have personally told all the people who needed to know/would want to know.

Agree that your husband is being extremely weird. It’s your mum’s friend who has died, not a distant acquaintance. It’s not his place to say this

Possibly the DH is being influenced by the fact that the friend told him and then burdened him with the requirement that he should require the OP not to pass the news on. That was unfair but the bereaved daughter is clearly grieving and not thinking straight. All that is understandable.

I think OP‘s mother should be told, but I also think that she should let her be friend know that she has done this. I don’t know how you do that in these circumstances without making things worse. It isn’t right, in my view, to tell someone something and then burden them with secrets that you require them to keep, unless it’s truly exceptional circumstances.