AIBU to keep quiet about a friend’s mother’s death?

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

hi everyone, needing some advice on etiquette when someone dies.

my friend’s mum suddenly died on Thursday - it’s incredibly sad and a real shock. My mum was friends with her and it’s someone she has known for years ( through school and her children etc). My mum is not aware that she has died - my friend is very private and told my DH yesterday after he asked if she wanted to grab a coffee.

DH has told me not to say anything to my mum as it’s my friends news to tell but I feel a little strange knowing this about someone in my mum’s life. Just need some guidance on what etiquette is here.

aibu - keep quiet until mum finds out organically
yanbu - your mum should know, odd that you knew and didn’t tell her

Check in with your friend and ask her if it is ok for you to tell your Mum

Where did you see that the friend required the OP not to pass the news on? 🤔on the contrary, it doesn’t sound like the friend said anything about keeping the news to himself.

Agreed. This is the DH being odd or misunderstanding, not anything the woman who lost her mother has stipulated.

Possibly the DH is being influenced by the fact that the friend told him and then burdened him with the requirement that he should require the OP not to pass the news on. That was unfair but the bereaved daughter is clearly grieving and not thinking straight. All that is understandable.

If this was the case I'm sure the OP would've mentioned it?

Of course you should tell your mum. Your DH is being weird about this.

We have had a lot of bereavements lately in our circle of friends and quite a number of friends asked me to let others know so as to relieve them of the awful burden of having to tell people over and over again.

He is.
I’m recently bereaved.. it helps when others share the news for you as, especially when the death is sudden, it’s overwhelming.

When my mother died I asked close family members to disseminate the news to less close family members. Then I bought some simple cards and went through her address book, writing to everyone in there to let them know, or emailing them if that was the only contact for them. She was a prolific letter-writer and It would have been unkind, I think, not to have let people know. It was quite a burden. I'm glad I did it though as it meant I got in touch with cousins in New Zealand who came over to visit last year (not specially to see us but they did arrange things so they could) and I still send, and receive, a Christmas card from one of her friends every year. We also put a notification in the paper.

So - basically I would say it is up to family to notify family, for friends I would have been extremely happy for somebody else to take on that burden. It was hard enough to write - I couldn't have phoned and it would have been extremely difficult emotionally (and not possible physically as they were spread all over the world) to do in person. It was hard enough to tell her neighbour.

People (eg your DH) are very strange about death sometimes. I would tell her.

Absolutely this. He’s using the etiquette you would for a pregnancy etc.

Update -I told my mum. DH and I also went round and just dropped some flowers and a card on her doorstep as we didn’t think she would want all four of us (two little ones inc) to visit. She was out as mother in law heard DH at the door and just had a brief chat with him.

DH lost his dad so does get a bit funny about these things - I don’t think he even took time off work.

I’m glad you told her OP. I’ve had a couple of fairly tragic bereavements, telling people was exhausting. I was grateful when my closest friends told people who would have wanted to know.

NO. If the friend had told the DH specifically not to tell anyone then the OP would have mentioned that surely as its pertinent to the post.

Besides, it sounds like it's the OP who is friends with this person, not her DH so why on earth would she disclose the news to him but not want anyone else close to her to know? makes zero sense

It's not your news to tell.

That’s not usually how it works when someone dies.

Hard Disagree. Ive lost both my parents - I cant think of anything worse than having to ring loads of people repetitively to tell them my mum and dad were dead.

I was so relieved that I didnt have to do that. Besides, dont you think people might just find out when the funeral notice goes up? 🙄