To feel this way after an event

[90sbaby123]

Didn't know the best place for this post.

Im mid 30s and i was diagnosed with adhd a few years ago. I always felt like an outsider, a bit awkward, very shy.

Anyway I dont often go out to socialise as tbh I dont have many friends and im also a single mum. Last night I went out to an event with work people. I didn't drink and drove, I often dont drink now because alcohol messes with my head.

It was a fun night but I felt sooooo awkward and i found it so hard to make conversation. When I did make conversation I felt like I was asking awkward questions and kept saying in my head "why did you say that".
Tonight was the first night i could really see/feel my neurodiversity.

I came home and cried because I just felt so shit trying my hardest to mask like I always have.

When I was younger I used alcohol in these situations to make myself loosen up and not care about interactions.

Am I alone in feeling this way? Maybe its just because I dont often go out and have gotten used to being on my own.

Edited to remove irrelevant comment.

I edited the post! I didnt drink and drove.
Thats why i say I used to use alcohol in these situations

Try not to worry about what others think, distract yourself with something else.

I didnt drink!!!! It was a typo! Alcohol messes with my head so I dont drink now. I used to drink (Not drive) when i was younger.
I dont condone nor would ever drink amd drive

I feel just like you, Op. Also in my thirties and find socialising much more challenging now than in my teens/early twenties, like the expectations of me have changed. I also find a lot of the conversation really dull (unless with certain close friends) and find it exhausting thinking of a relevant response to something I’m not remotely interested in.

She didn’t drink and drive. Even before op edited, in context you could see it was a typo.

Anyway, you are describing the post socialization hangover. I used to get it every time I went to Bookclub. It’s horrible. It’s your brain lying to you. Your friends at work would have seen an interested and fun person and yet your have judged yourself so harshly.

What helped me was carrying on going to Bookclub (as in don’t avoid these situations). And post Bookclub telling myself out loud - ‘no one is thinking about what you said’, ‘you are allowed your own opinions’, ‘they have all moved on’.

I also do deep breathing, make sure I have some stories from the news to tell before going out eg have you heard about and a few learnt questions such as ‘what are you most looking forward to’ and so it’s about being prepared and being straight to the point but also kind to yourself after.

Oh and debriefing some things with ChatGTP has also helped me put things down if I do go over them.

Questing why/what you said and worrying if you talked too long is a usual part of ADHD. It could be that you are out of practice and it's a new era, if you aren't drinking. I wouldn't let it put you off and accept any invitations.

Conversations seem to have changed these days. People have lost the art of it, screen use I expect. People just want to look down at glowing screens and talk to someone on the other side of the world rather than speak to who is next to them. I wouldn’t beat yourself up, a lot of situations make me feel awkward these days, what used to flow is now an effort. And people can be dull and mundane and self absorbed. You have just not found your tribe where interactions move freely. I haven’t either, and I doubt I ever will. Failure at social settings doesn’t mean you are a failure at life, so go easy on yourself.

I totally hear you op!

What worked for me was getting older. (I've got about 20 years on you) Now I really only socialise with small groups (often just one person) of trusted friends that I feel relaxed with. It totally gets rid of that feeling of needing to be (entertaining/funny/interesting* delete as appropriate).

Just try to keep in mind that nobody is focused on what you do or say in the way that you are. Think about it: how much time do you spend replaying what other people have said in your mind? If you are anything like me, it will only be if they have said something that makes you wonder if it was meant as a dig. It's not just daft things said on a night out.

I promise you, the only person feeling any kind of way about what you said, is you. Everyone else is dealing with their own crap - and we all have some!

She didn’t drink and drive.

It's completely normal to overthink social interactions when you have ADHD.

If you were only diagnosed in adulthood and don't socialise much it's likely to be more intense, and if it's fairly recent you've probably become somewhat hyper aware as well - I know I have since my diagnosis 18 months ago. I'd much rather see friends at home or during the day in quieter spaces than go out of evening for instance, and even my closest friends have struggled to get their heads around it.

Have you received any support/therapy around coming to terms with your diagnosis and what it means for you personally? It could be something to look into - won't necessarily stop the overthinking but will give you tools to understand how your brain works and put these things into context.

So youve discovered a weak area that causes you upset. Are you going to fix it? There’s so much information and training in the art of conversation. These are things you can learn and practice.

Firstly, well done for stopping using alcohol to get through social events. That is incredibly brave but will definitely pay off long term.
Secondly, you really are not alone in this. Even those of us who are NT often feel awkward in these situations and have to put a bit of a “face on”
And thirdly, nobody went home and spent time thinking about you. They’re much more concerned about themselves.

I have lost a lot of the social skills I had. I really notice it at work. I have been immersed in small children for what feels like forever and struggle to talk about anything else. So I sympathise.

I’m ND and understand how you feel. However, I am reminded of that saying that says something like “you wouldn’t worry half so much about what people think of you if you realised how seldom they do.”

Your friends will have their own concerns and issues. They won’t be thinking about a slightly offbeat question you asked. They will be thinking about whether everyone noticed they have gained ten pounds/were hungover/talked too much about their DH.

PP are right, keep going and improve confidence in the knowledge that you are doing OK. That is enough.

Edited to add, I used to drink alcohol to get through these situations but that’s a sure fire way to get everyone talking about you! I am so much happier sober.

I found it almost impossible to socialise at large work events without alcohol after giving it up. I developed social anxiety. It was awful. I just avoided them for a long time.

You clearly didn't read...she specifically said she didn't because it messes with her head.

You're not alone, as a matter of fact, it is extremely common. It also might not be related to having ADHD. It is the way just about every introverted person feel.

I'm in my late 50, Great with people, yet feel exactly as you do every time I'm invited to a social event. My young adult child also experience the same.

One thing to say is that people usually don't see it half as bad as we do. They probably notice we are not the most gregarious but not thinking we are weirdos either.

Relax, don't worry, it's how you are and that's absolutely fine. We don't all have to be extroverted, fun and sociable individuals to be liked and respected.

I feel the same. I used to get drunk quite easily but was fun with it. Now in my 40s I can’t handle alcohol at all and I feel awkward all of the time. Also shy and introverted.

Op I LOVE the quirky gal at an event. You’d be surprised how many people feel the same as you. I can’t stand the over confident, gobby ones that dominate the room, usually have no depth. Everyone brings their own fun to the party and you’ll be just right for your clan. Mingle and be quirky and your people will find you ☺️

I can imagine how awkward it felt. I’m not ND but if I’m sober surrounded by people drinking I definitely feel out of place, so it’ll have felt even worse for you. Don’t overthink it

Thank you so much thats really helpful

Yes i have a therapist. We havent touched on my adhd yet. Just still unpick past traumas

I usually love the quirky person too! The lady sitting next to me was nice but she left early. I think last night was the first time I found it hard to mask and pretend to be the happy go lucky person- because that's usually my mask. It was a massive effort.