To push my autistic demand avoidant child into doing something they don’t want to

[Worrieddancemum]

AIBU to push my 12 year old demand avoidant daughter into trying out a dance class/audition that I suspect she will really enjoy, but is out of her comfort zone.

Shes a mega talented dancer, and has been scouted to audition for an associate training position. She’s always danced at the same school, and this would be with no one she knows, so admittedly scary.

The audition is an hour long and in a group of similar aged kids.

If she would be successful it would really develop her technique and I suspect she would love it. She does compete etc so she’s pretty brave in that regard, but her demand avoidance really presents as a stumbling block in situations such as this.

I don’t know what to do!

YANBU but don’t push her too hard. In my experience with a 17 year old autistic DS (diagnosed as a young child) pushing them too far in one direction sometimes causes them to push back the other way. Try indroducing it as something she could try one session of without long-term commitment and go from there.

Might it be a performance anxiety related thing?

Yeah, do it. What’s the worst that could happen?

What would “pushing” look like exactly?

@GreatMintPeer that’s my worry, I’m overly sensitive about doing that and walk on eggs shells with her most of the time 😬

Yes, exactly what would you need to do to get her to audition?

@Oleoreoleo, I’m not sure, maybe booking the audition and telling her that I want her to try it?

And asking her to at least try, and see what she thinks

I think pushing a demand avoidant dc into anything is unlikely to go well.

Make it as easy as possible for them to say yes, but don't push.

I mean the worst is pretty pretty bad tbh...if my daughter feels too pressured she can loose all function not be able to feel she can safely eat or drink, not be able to self care or dress. So its hard. I think Id just be saying I wonder if you'd like to go. Have the stuff ready and I say at 15 mins before leaving Ill be in the car ready if you need me and I sit out there and see if she comes. Bjt she's particularly frazzled at the moment so you may be able to be more guided than that. But yeah the worst is bad.

With my dd I did have to strongly encourage her because otherwise she wouldn’t have left her bedroom. Many years later she is very grateful for the fact we didn’t give up and take the easy way out, i didn’t let her give up activities, I made her go to school despite tears, and we gave her lots of experiences that she would generally refuse but we didn’t take no for an answer. It’s about knowing your own child though, remember autism is so variable - my dd was diagnosed at 2 years old and we were told non verbal expect a lifetime of care, but not real help - I ignored them, read everything I could, got her into aba therapy, speech therapy, special ed preschool and she’s learned to talk, fought for mainstream education , she’s an independent adult now, married.

Don't force her to do this. A public meltdown or shutdown will be traumatic, humiliating, and make her much less likely to attempt anything of the like again. Hobbies should be fun, not forced.

What you could do is encourage her to go and tell her that she can leave at any time if it feels too much. If I frame an event as "I have to go and I have to stay until the end", I don't want to go and often won't, because I don't trust myself to be able to cope for the whole event. If I remind myself that "I have chosen to go and can choose to leave at any time", I'm more likely to go and usually (not always) stay to the end.

Ignore the poster who sent her DD to be abused by ABA "practitioners". Forcing an autistic woman to mask heavily daily, which is what ABA trains its victims to do, will fall apart when that woman hits perimenopause, if not sooner. There's a huge difference between sending your child to SaLT, reading support, and school, and sending your child to ABA.

Source: am diagnosed autistic.

Wow @hahabahbag , that’s amazing!

The balancing is so hard, as she would give up everything and sit in her room on her tablet all day and night if allowed. However, once at her classes she loves them and comes alive.

@selffellatingouroborosofhate thats exactly it, framing it so that she doesn’t feel forced and feels involved in the decision. I wouldn’t ever force her

As someone with a similar child I would definitely try - I would even bribe with something she wants (works for me sometimes). You are doing it for her not to punish her and it will help her in the long run. Obviously you can't force her but I don't think you were suggesting that.

Going to school is a necessity and lots of other things i would not give a choice on, this is not one of them

Are people not allowed to have choice on what they do without it being labelled 'avoidance' over everything

@Worrieddancemum if it’s not a demand it doesn’t trigger PDA. So it’s absolutely reframing/ making it sound enticing.

i have PDA and I’m so competitive so making it a competitive situation works for me. My son has PDA and that doesn’t work and o don’t (yet) know what does. Good luck.

My daughter is a dancer and I suspect has a PDA profile too. Encouraging her to think it through, talk to with you about her fears and anxieties might help you both come uo with some management strategies... often phrasing is key "have you thought about...." rather than "you'll have to..."

Try being honest with her about what you hope she would get out of it but I would not deceive or trick her into it.

Something I do is make myself drive to the rehearsal even though I don't feel like going, with the deal that I don't have to go in if I still don't feel like it when I get there. Only one time have I got there and not wanted to go in. Often, the getting ready and getting there is the psychological barrier.

I would. I hope she loves it!

MH problems

I’d be careful. You’re heading towards the years it can all fall apart for girls with autism.

I think if you're going to do this then the emphasis is less on 'force' (which I think you already know) and more on having a very clear plan, negotiated with her in advance, which includes baby steps and the opportunity to withdraw, or rest before 'pushing' again without pressure at any point. Removing that pressure is the key, but I do think that's a difficult ask in the situation you describe. Be prepared to walk away, because if you're not, the disappointment (for you) and the sense of failure (for her) will be counterproductive.

Rather than tell dd she's committed to taking part, could she go along "to watch" either wearing her dance gear or having it with you? Find what she will do. Then she may be more willing to join in.

I'd come onto this thread fulling expecting to tell you that ybu but she's 12, she loves dancing and is good at it. This could be a time when mum knows best..

book it and go along with whatever she decides to do on the day, so that you don’t miss the closing date to apply for an audition, but don’t force or push her if she doesn’t want to.

With my demand avoidant almost 18 year old carrot and sticking works better than anything else. Suggest it as a take it or leave it. Give them time to ruminate/process. Then tie in the high value reward as “after you do x we could go to Y or buy Z/get your hair done/ add to your collection.”. If that fails then a universal voucher ( cold hard cash) often works wonders.

If you have to push her to do the audition, how will she cope with the rigours and demands of training?