How are you supposed to handle this with a three year old? Just so sick of it!!!

[Haddenoughh]

DS is 3.5. A lot of the time he’s very chilled. Only child and was a pretty easy baby (prob not relevant but maybe is relevant to the fact I’m totally taken aback by his behaviour!).

Although I’m a single mum he sees his dad lots (doesn’t stay over as we agreed one base is best for him). Sees grandparents regularly. Has friends at nursery or at least chats about others and seems happy.

An example… a few nights ago he got back from nursery and just refused to come into the house saying he wanted to live in a tent and I wasn’t his best friend anymore because I don’t let him live in a tent. Every time I tried to take him out of the car seat he’d pull my hair or hit me and he did it so hard at one point and at one angle that my face bled a bit. At that point I went into the house and left him in the car so I had a moment to breath and calm down (he was in view from house at all time). I decided to go back and just struggle to get him in the house which involved him kicking me and screaming. We got in the house and he matched upstairs and slammed the door on me and I kept going upstairs saying let’s have a chat, do you want to come down now for dinner etc and I was just hit and screamed at again and again. Eventually I said he could shout me when he had calmed down, this took around 40 minutes, during which time he was crying on and off but having been up and downstairs for so long already I felt that leaving him a bit with him knowing I was ready when he was was the best option. But was it? Was that the right thing to do?

I am quite shocked by how he’s started behaving and I don’t know if it’s just normal. It’s the hitting I really can’t stand and don’t know how to cope with. He’s quite big for his age too so I do struggle with lifting him etc when he’s like this. I would say I am reasonably strict in general with bedtime or tv and so on but then again outside of work almost every hour is dedicated to ensuing he is having a good day. I don’t know if I am doing or not doing something that is causing this behaviour and I don’t know if im dealing with it in the right way.

Feel totally and utterly fed up.

Nursery can be exhausting for little kids. Being overtired and/or overstimulated leads to the biggest meltdowns in my own kids.
It’s often something absurd that sets them off - like the tent thing.

My ds in particular would hit me at this age. He didn’t hit anyone else! Just me. I guess I was his “safe space” so I got the abuse when he felt overwhelmed.

At this age they hurt you without thinking about it. I’d have no hesitation to firmly tell him “gentle hands, do not hit me, it hurts me.”

I’d also try humour - when he has a rage I’d say, “you’ve had your turn being angry, it’s my turn now! So be quiet so I can have my turn being angry ” And do an angry face and wave your arms about and growl dramatically . Usually this would male my ds laugh and once they laugh the anger often dissipates.

Definitely talk to nursery and mention he has been kicking off. Ask them to talk to him about gentle hands, being kind etc.

It will pass as he gets older, probably in about a year.

My ds is 7 now and under no circumstances would he hit me in anger now. But he’ll hit his friends if they annoy him now! So we are working on that .

I think that sounds very extreme. Try a small snack in the car and see if he’s just exhausted from nursery. Tell his Dad what is happening so he can support better behaviour.

Sometimes I don't talk to my toddler on the way home, I ask her and she just wants some quiet time after nursery. Then once home, we often eat in the bedroom as she's so tired, she wants to be near bed!

Nursery is a lot for them, I think you're best working out how to help him decompress and transition to him.

I'd have played along with the tent thing to get him in the house. Like 'oh, great idea. We don't have a tent but we could make a den under the table and if you're good we can sleep in there on Friday night'. Or 'we don't have a tent, let's go in and look on the Argos website. I think I'd like to live in a purple one with three windows blah blah blah'. Maybe my DC were just easily distracted though?!

I definitely second the snack in the car I have an incredibly hangry 5 year old. Also acts up when tired too, but if tired and hungry it’s 100x worse. Used to get so worked up she wouldn’t eat too until we learned regular snacks meant she ate better at main meals. Maybe worth trying a reward chart too they start this in preschools at this age often so could help too.

I agree with @BigBrownBoogyingBear about distraction sometimes being better than direct confrontation at that age - can you try to jolly him out of it/not take the bait? And I also agree with @Ohthatsabitshit about a snack - did he have one? It sounds like a hangry exhausted meltdown. Especially if he's been very stimulated all day.

I’d try giving him a snack on the way home. He could be having a growth spurt and need some extra energy.

One of mine, I used to pretty much dangle the snack out in front of me when I collected him from reception.

I remember walks home from nursery being just the worst thing- I had odd bouts of hitting. When you're solo parenting it's much harder to get a break and nobody to tag team with.
I must admit I resorted to a sticker chart for getting home nicely and calmly (nothing fancy just a piece of paper with days of the week and some cheap special stickers I found online.) The cajoling and humour needed with threenagers is next level and draining but nothing wrong with a bit of bribery in my experience!

@Ohthatsabitshit do you think it’s extreme and not normal? After that episode we did have dinner ok and he went to bed ok but it’s happened again since

Also to add he’s in nursery only four days and does 9 ish to 4:30 ish on the days he is in so it’s not like a 8 to 6.

@BigBrownBoogyingBear I did try that and sadly he just screamed that we didn’t have a tent and I was a horrible fairy. It was funny until
he hit me so hard!

Thank you everyone for the suggestions. I will definitely stock up on snacks!

I agree, he sounds like my DC when they were completely knackered/over-stimulated. There’s not a great deal you can do but power through it. My 9 and 12 yo sometimes have it even now. As well as a snack, a drink can really help.

I agree that distraction can be a powerful tool - sometimes if I am out of ideas, I'll just say 'oh my goodness. LOOK!!' in a really dramatic way and then use the second's silence to think up what it was and say 'oh, I thought it was a dragon, but it was just a pigeon'. Once I just threw one of her crocs at the front door and bet her she couldn't do the same. Literally anything that snaps them out of their strop for a second can be leveraged into a longer-term distraction and then a move towards what you're actually trying to achieve.

I also find it really helps to remind myself that we're actually on the same team and we both want the strop to be over so I'm trying to help them get over it, not persuade them to behave in a way that's easier to deal with.

I've also had success with 'if I had a magic wand, I'd magic up a tent for us to live in and a big field to put it in - what else could we have?'. Sometimes they need you to go along with their mad ideas rather than shutting them down - they don't care about practicality, they just don't want their 'dreams' crushed, even if they are massively impractical and/or unappealing.

If I were you, I would get support for yourself too if you can. I'm a single mom also. My son had lots of tantrums when he was that age. Looking back at it now, he was having visits with his dad, nursery and I was exhausted/struggling myself also. I would start with yourself and make sure you are ok yourself too, not overloaded etc. get all support for you can. It could help make things easier

and I kept going upstairs saying let’s have a chat, do you want to come down now for dinner etc and I was just hit and screamed at again and again.

This stuck out for me.
Just leave him alone. He is literally screaming and you and hitting you when you kept going up to him and that was his way of saying to leave him alone.

This is completely normal behaviour and I remember my DD going through a similar phase.

I like everyone’s suggestions of trying a snack and just letting him sit in peace and quiet if that’s what he wants.

I know someone older that him and are comes home from school has a snack, watches TV and has a nap on the sofa.
Once she wakes up she’s full of beans again but she just needs a nap.

I always let my DC have downtime when they get home. This was when they were allowed to use screens.
As a single parent, it’s a great chance to do the cleaning and cooking.
Then once dinner is ready, then you can ask about his day and play with him and stuff.

Take his lead.
Some kids need taking somewhere to burn off their energy, some want music and stimulation and others just want downtime.
At his age, he’ll probably just want downtime.

Remember that you are his safe space.
He wouldn’t act like this around someone he wasn’t truly comfortable with.

The hitting is extreme (to me), my DD had the odd threenager tantrum but never dared smack me.
I used to do a little box of raisins on the way home from nursery, dinner straight away, story and bed because she could barely keep her eyes open longer than that.
When he goes to smack you do you raise your voice/completely change your demeanour? I don’t mean shouting/screaming.
If DD did something “unwanted”, I’d raise my voice, stern face, change my body language so there was absolutely no questioning I was cross.
So the second he raises his hand to you it’s “OH DEAR, WE DO NOT SMACK” then take him out of the car and straight inside in utter silence no matter what he’s saying or doing.
I did time out 1 minute for every year of her age and then ask if she’s ready to apologise, I’d also ask her what she was apologising for (so she knew) and what she should do next time.
There needs to be a clear difference between happy-fun-loving Mummy and “not on my fucking watch” Mummy.

He's knackered and hungry

Small snack in car, cuddle but not much conversation.

Chilled activity for an hour once home- TV., Jigsaw, mooching in garden or whatever

Engage after dinner.

At that age he should be in bed by 6pm.

and I kept going upstairs saying let’s have a chat, do you want to come down now for dinner etc and I was just hit and screamed at again and again

Fight or flight! He is tired and hungry so isn’t able to talk or reason until he has taken time, himself, to calm.

Another suggestion is to calmly plan with him when you collect or drive. This preempts change and gives time to think before sudden changes happen.

Simple statements.

“We are nearly home, then we will get out of the car”.
”Next we will go inside, then have some (food)”

ETA and plenty of praise, specific to what he has achieved. “Well done for getting out of the car” etc.

Yes I do. Though I’m not a big fan of “normal” as they genuinely are all so different. Try the snack and build in a rest as he gets home. Personally I would let him watch telly while you make his meal, but I know some people don’t do screens. Why not have a snack yourself too? It’s a tired part of the day so always a bit of a struggle

I agree about the snack to eat as soon as they come out of nursery. Mine used to come out exhausted, over stimulated and hungry. A bag of crisps solved everything. His lunch was prepped so he could eat it as soon as we came in, then he would sleep for at least an hour and be absolutely fine.

The evenings after nursery are brutal for small people. They’re just so so exhausted and have nothing left in the tank. All the big feelings come out.

I have a newly 4 year old and 7 year old. My youngest is incredibly stubborn, I get it!! When he gets in a mood, like yours with the tent, it's impossible so I just have to go with it. Get inside the car with a blanket, pretend to be in a tent, say you'll carry on with the tent inside but with SNACK you can eat around a campfire (stack of Duplo?). Basically get involved in his fantasy for 2 minutes and I promise it will be easier than the 2 stressful minutes dragging him out the car 🫂 I know it's frustrating

Seconding this, it made a huge difference in our relationship when I realised that just as I often need time alone or just no one talking to me, so does my kiddo. So I look out for the signs and then I either ask if they want quiet/ alone time or tell them what I'm doing "I'm not ignoring you, I'm here if you need me but I think you're feeling overwhelmed and need some quiet time".